Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
I once was lost but now I’m found
It didn’t exactly work that way
I just walked off from you thinking I’d be okay
I took a cab at first and caught a train from the airport
A few flights later it was smoke first and then snort
I guess I thought about you from time to time
But you must’ve never let me slip your mind
Because I should’ve been dead twice that I can remember
There was that overdose and that suicide attempt in December
People flocked to be near me thinking my life was charmed
They didn’t know about my past life cradled safe in your arms
back when naïve didn’t seem to me to be such an insult
when I was still that kid who lived much more like an adult
when family came first and I looked forward to praying
but life wasn’t easy. That’s not what Im saying
It’s just that I wasn’t solo when I held to your hand
You had my back, my front, and both sides, helping me stand
But it’s hard to overlook the years I went it alone
I guess that’s why the night I hit my knees I felt like I had come home
And I know things are sorta tense now cause I haven’t forgiven me
Thought I know you did and I thank you for mercy
But if you don’t mind I need to be mad at myself a bit longer
And I hope that in the end it makes our bond that much stronger
Cause in my heart I know I missed out on a lot of good years
And I regret my mistakes but you deserve more than tears
So until I figure out a way to make up for lost time
I gotta be mad at me and sad with me til I run out of rhymes
I gotta yell from high mountains. I gotta scream til it burns
I want to track down all those young girls and take back all of the hurt
I want to stitch up busted faces and mend bones that I broke
I want to wipe out all the death I fed and replace it with hope
I don’t just want to be forgiven and then try to forget
I want to make amends and earn back friends, make the dead live
I feel the need to replace what I devoured in youth
I want to set the lies straight and speak only the truth
I want my memories to end with me and not touch others
I want to give my condolences to those grieving mothers
They can slap me and kick me til exhaustion slips in
I’ll wait quietly while they rest and go at it again
and if all that could happen I know the past wouldn’t change
but it’s less than I deserve for ever walking away
-TedPikul, deviant

this was the first poem i read while browsing through the entries from deviantART.. i don't know why i feel like im on the same frequency as the artist.. i felt what he felt.. just one difference.. he know so well where he's heading.. and im still so lost.. still unfound.. feeling so light-headed now after waking up from hours of sleep.. i thought i'd be more sure of myself after abit of rest.. but the more i sleep, the more i crave for more.. i don't know how it happens but it just do.. today i lead my life as a total trash .. feeling so drunk when i din even drink.. never touching drugs and yet feeling the listlessness and lethargy of a drug addict.. there are times in my life.. i chose the wrong path.. not treating my life like one that should be cherished.. and then i fall .. and i rant.. not really caring if there's anyone out there who cares.. sometimes i stare into the sky... my eyes questions the One up there that overlooks whatever little things that are happening on this world ... my heart feel so ever abandoned... these are the times that bring me down.. these are the times i can't forgive myself.. "..I need to be mad at myself a bit longer .."

for those who are reading this

i know that you care

today is jus another day

that i wasn't there

even as im writing

the rain starts to fall

i thank God of understanding

thank you for accepting my flaws

i'll be fine =)

Decided to spend abit of quality time with my parents today.. hmm not exactly quality time, as i was just tagging along on their business trip to jb. There are times when i wonder, how was pa able talk through the phone, drive and talk to my ma simultaneously. My parents are workaholics. Alot of people say that we lead a good life. But to me, i guess it comes with a price. They are always working, busy with their businessstuff and im always busy with other commitments of my own. Seldom do we hve the chance to really sit down and , wel, chill .. together. Even now as im writing (im on the car right now anyway.. heading towards the causeway), They never stopped discussing about business. well.. they did actually, every now and then, they would talk to us when thay realise bro and i are still around. but i guess it wasn't a bad thing that they are always so busy. I don't really think they realise that age is catching up with them when their mind are preoccupied with work.. sometimes i just hope it wasn't too hard on them.

Today, i entered timeless zone again. made a trip once more to Sentosa but now not just with fro, but with kelv and chew as well. beach, waters.. just short of the sun. The sky was way more overcasted than it was the last time i came. Had a swim despite that. I can barely remember the last time i actually swam in the sea. If im not mistaken, probably when i was still a pri sch kid, under the accompaniment of my parents. After that chew left and the three of us made our way to the musical fountain. By then we could already see the towering heavily laden dark clouds marching in from the distant but we decided to stay anyway. then we watched the musical fountain display...in the heavy rain. Minus the characters, i think it was an impressive display of dancing waters, lazer and lighting effects. At the end of the day, we were totally drenched.. oh well.. that wasn't something we would get everday so it was, well, a fun experience i guess.. our next stop was ps.. walked around abit.. chilled at the macs abit before we go around snapping photos like nobody's business..

There should be room for imagination to give chance for possibilities.. That was what i learnt from the movie The Chronicles of Narnia. Together with fro, az, chan and cheah, i watched it at cine this morning. Apparently, the story fasinated me more than it did to the rest.

I remembered when i was young, i'd find it really hard to leave the seat after every movie ends. Maybe it's because i was too engrossed in the movies, so when the stories finally ended, i felt like i was still trapped within the story. My mind would be saturated with various scenes from the film. Today, i had this deja vu feeling. For some reason, i think that this show has taken fairy tales to a higher level. It's like fantasy having a close brush with reality. ha, im not even sure if im talking sense here.

After that, i went for another of my jc gatherings in the evening. Majority of the people managed to come, but ironically, guess it wasn't a good thing We had a steamboat dinner at marina south. Four steamboat sets equally separated on a long table. The place was like a buring inferno. gee.. it was really hot and stuffy.. and there were so many people one has to shout across the table to be heard. There wasn't much of a chance to catch up one another. Some of us even decided to hang around the air-conditioned bowling alley to avoid all the smoke and crowd.

After that we adjourned to the coffee club at marina south to chat over drinks. it was on kelvin's tab (the other kelvin that is) as he failed to guess the colour of weng's shirt correctly when he arrived late. I cant help but realise that the class as a whole was segregated into small groups, engaged in their own private conversations. one of my friend even forgot the name of my other classmates because some of us haven't seem each other for quite some time. It's a strange feeling, really.

so much that we wanted a gathering to get everyone to get together only to realise how far we have drifted apart..

i had a wonderful wonderful night.. met up with my sec sch friends.. had pizza for dinner... chatted the night away...bumped into sok ching.. she changed so much... looked so demure now... apparently... at least i don't see her cursing and "suaning" people now.. after which we played the air hockey at e-zone.. i can't remember the last time seeing the girls looking so thrilled... guess we behaved more kids than 20-year old adults.. screaming, jumping, crazily trying to reach for the discs... that couple of minutes made me feel so alive.. then we had a drink at the coffee bean.. met some more commonwealthians... zhi gao (looking more matured than he already was), changqing (lost his trade mark 'mac donalds' fringe) and zhi cao (adopted a hip look)... oh ya had our gift exchange.. finally we have it this year.. though i din get my gift 'cause my friend forgot to bring it.. it was ok.. i gave mine away... gave out the jars of candies.. could really see that they were happy.. tonight i recieved more than what i could ever ask for..

*merry xmas*

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!

i made it sound so beautiful to the rest of the world
because it seemed so beautiful to me.
let it settle as a flawless memory
not a burden anyone has to carry.

every piece of falling leaf is an untold story
mine is just a falling leaf
if it wasn't meant to be
why not just let it go and set it free

ive no idea why the repeated announcements in the mrt station really annoyed me.. im dying to scream my lungs out.. but i cant... it remained stuck in my throat..constantly ramming my fist on the metal railings... i've no idea why i was feeling so vexed.. so sick and so tired.. waited for what seems like eternity for an over-crowded bus which didn't stop.. so uncomfortable.. i had to unwind .. release... vent it all out... whatever you call it... i muttered vulgarities under my breath.. wasn't satisfying.. wasn't enough... bumped into sok just now.. it took me a couple of minutes to register who he is... i felt like a walking corpse... there was a moment of awkward silence.. hm.. but i didn't care... hours ago i showed attitude to my sec sch friends.. in my heart i blamed them for not bothering to inform me when they changed the venue.. made me run all round the place only to find that we were about an hour early.. my friend asked me why i was so pissed off. i forced a smile.. denied that i was angry.. over and over again.. those who know me well will know that constant denial is a sign that im freakin pissed off but im just trying to be nice.. .. the birthday card i made for them now still lies in someone's locker in camp.. i wasn't at all excited for them.. doesn't matter anymore.. at the taxi stand i waited and waited with no signs of any cab coming.. i squatted down, in my heart i was crying, please just let me go home..no idea why. so sick and tired..


im a petal
from a dying flower

im a lost soul
among the rising towers

countless people
strangers here and there

what difference does it make
if one disappear into thin air

~ that's haohan, caiting n me ~

~my sec sch clique.. swt ay? we seldom have one where evryone's present~

"never doubt myfeelings for you .. it's an insult to me.. i may not make it obvious for the whole world to see.. cos i don't worship you.. i treat you more than a friend .. yet less than how one would treat his other half... what's that grey region called?.. idon't know.. but im kind of feeling at ease dwelling in that grey region now... are you a friend? or are you more than that?.. somehow i find it increasingly meaningless to ask such questions over time.. maybi to you , what i did wasn't enough.. but to me.. i have already exceeded what i could offer.... sometimes i even considered my actions to be reckless... in the past, the jealousy i felt confirmed my feelings.. but that jealousy started to tone down over time.. .. and now, im not too sure about my feelings anymore... i always come up with a different reason for every gift that i give to you.. but do you know?...there is in fact only one single reason..actually i have no idea why i penned these unspoken words down.. guess i'd never have the courage to tell you .. better to type them down before they are totally forgotten..."

i... feel... like... santa tonight. like... santa tonight.

rekindled hatred.. slowly burning

yeah yeah it's all my fault.. my fault!
why don't i have the right to wash my hands off anything....

Deliver us ~ from Prince of Egypt

With the sting of the whip on my shoulder
With the salt of my sweat on my brow
Elohim, God on high
Can you hear your people cry
Help us now
This dark hour...

Deliver us
Hear our call
Deliver us
Lord of all
Remember us, here in this burning sand
Deliver us
There's a land you promised us
Deliver us to the promised land...

temptation..

it's like a blind man
wanting to see beyond darkness
it's like the craving for a drop of water
when you're dying of thirst

it's like the urge to rip off you clothes
when you're drenched in sweat
no.. it's not
it's more than that

it's like screaming for rain
when you world is in flames
it's like craving to end your life
when your heart writhes in pain

it's like pleading for abit of love
when hate is all you can get
no.. it isn't
it's way more than that

it's like the urge to pounce on the woman you want
like a savage beast
yet held back by a thin thread of sanity
just a thin thread to prevent this

it's the urge to commit sins
afterwhich forgiveness you beg
a devil dwelling within us
no.. it's much more than that

caught the JC Band Festival 2005 at the Esplanade two days ago.. i wouldn't say that i was impressed by the entire concert.. hm.. maybi it's because the first band didn't perform as well as i expected.. hence the first impression created wasn't a good one..

they named the concert "Bandfusion!".. quite ironically, the band did not display enough cohesion to bring out the "fusion" part... i guess the members of the individaual section failed to play in unison in attempt to produce only one sound.. some of them even played out of tune.. it was made even obvious in the concert hall, built to enhance and amplify the sound of the band.. a well tuned chord can actually let the audience feel lifted off their seats ... sometimes crate the "goosebumps" effect.. somehow i didn't feel it.. furthermore, the conducters were all the while trying to get the band's attention whose eyes were glued to their scores...

i could vividly recall my conductor saying the the sound of the entire band sound be enclosed within an "umbrella" of sound to keep it balanced... normally, when better players from various bands come together to play, they tend to "blast" their instruments to make themselves heard.. thus breaking that "umbrella" of sound.. this is what actually happen to the first band..

ha sorry, verbal diarrhoea.. guess i said so much only because i miss the sec sch days as a band member.. there was one period, band was the sole reason why i came to school ...

the subsequent bands performed significantly better.. some of my favourite pieces were "Hunch Back of Notre Dame" and "Howl's moving Castle"... guess i might consider joining the band again in uni to relive that good old times once again..

seeking light in starless sky .

my hopes fly like dandelions fly .

fairy tales i wish to find .

but my love cant wait till the end of time .

saw a bubble drifting in mid air in the middle of the road this afternoon.. weaving in and out of the heavy traffic..

right now i am that bubble.. vulnerable..
any moment now i might break

don't expect too much from me .
i know i cant please everyone around me .
i don't feel obliged to make my intentions clear .
but after knowing me for so long .
i thought you knew .

i guess i wore that fake smile for the entire day to mask how terrible i felt inside.. i've sent countless sms-es to every single person in attempt to coordinate the whole thing.. as usual they would take forever to reply.. some of them didn;t even have the courtersy to do that...flipped the papers so many times to find a suitable time slot.. taking into consideration that some of them had other commitments... taking our budget into account .. even deciding which movie to watch was a headache.. one-man show all the way and yet i felt obliged to do what i thought i should do..

was it worth it?

all the while fighting the little voice in my head who questions the rationale of things i was doing.. what makes you think the burden should fall on your shoulders? why aren't they doing anything? they wouldn't recognise the effort put in.. you know it.. then why? i dunno.. maybi.. all this while i'm just doing more then what was expected of me so that i can convince myself that i still play a role in their lives.. but the more i do that, the more i realise.. it doesn't work this way...

was it worth it?

the rude cashier working at the secrets recipe made me mutter vulgarities in front of my friends.. one of my friends left the cards i made for the bday gals in the bunk.. last minute one of my friends messaged me to tell me that she din't feel like watching the movie... hey, if you don't feel like joining us.. make it a point to inform me beforehand ..that would be really nice.in the end it didn't turn out as well as i expected.

was it worth it?

damn cute .. check it out:
http://www.jeffiscool.com/numanuma.html

...why did you try to remind me of the past that you wanted me to forget.. what are you trying to tell me?...

another of my master piece.. xy's bday card...added a finishing touch this morning.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

finally completed kl's b day card yesterday night.. every time i did that i would ask myself if it's worth it.. every card takes me hours, days and even weeks.. when will it be the last?


there's only some much that i can do as a friend.

枫

乌云在我们心里搁下一块阴影
我聆听沉寂已久的心情
清晰透明 就像美丽的风景
总在回忆里才看得清

被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我
我用力牵起没温度的双手
过往温柔 已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过

缓缓飘落的枫叶像思念
我点燃烛火温暖岁末的秋天
极光掠夺天边 北风掠过想你的容颜
我把爱烧成了落叶 却换不回熟悉的那张脸

缓缓飘落的枫叶像思念
为何挽回要赶在冬天来之前
爱你穿越时间 两行来自秋末的眼泪
让爱渗透了地面 我要的只是你在我身边

在山腰间飘逸的红雨
随着北风凋零
我轻轻摇曳风铃
想 唤醒被遗忘的爱情
雪花已铺满了地
深怕窗外枫叶已结成冰
sung by: Jay chou

roughly translated:

maple

the dark clouds casted a shadow over our hearts
i tried to listen to my feelings which has been silent for a long time
clear, like a picturesque scenery
it is only clear in memories

can a broken heart continue to love me as always
i try to hold the cold hands of yours
the warmth in the past.. was locked by time
only sorrow is left behind

my longing to see you again is like the falling maple leaves
i lit a candle to warm up the last days of autumn
the last light filled the sky, the wind stole away the urge to see you again
love is burnt into fallen leaves but still i wasn't able to retrieve that memory

my longing to see you again is like the falling maple leaves
why do i have to retrieve that memory back before winter arrives
our love had travelled through time..
let the love seep into the ground
all i ever wished for is for you to be by my side

the rain among the mountain ranges
blown by the last of the wind from the north
i sounded the wind chime lightly
hoping to rouse the forgotten love from sleep
the ground is already covered by snow
im afraid the maple leaves have already frozen

sorry if i cant be the friend you want .
i did whatever shit there was to be done .
you don't even know where the hell i stand
in your group of countless so-called friends .
when you 're feeling low you needed jus anybody .
i guess i was just that "anybody" .

his dampened spirit was contagious..these few days he had been really unhappy due to his grandma's deteriorating condition.. she had been battling illness for quite some time and yesterday... all her suffering was put to an end.. after booking out today, i went to the wake with some of my friends to see how he was doing... im afraid.. knowing that everyone has to face the overwhelming sense of grief of losing their loved ones to death some day... i was wondering if i were him .. would i be able to brave through it all?

i embraced heaven.. and i embraced earth.. today.. time ceased to exist.. ha, maybi it's because i didn't bother to wear a watch.. fro and i spent the entire day basking under the sun on the beach at sentosa.. it was the perfect way to destress i suppose.. soft fine sand.. soothing sound of the clashing waves.. warm sunshine.. it's like nothing else mattered anymore.. what more can i ask for? lying on the beach feels like lying on the interface between heaven and earth...there you are, back against solid ground, miraculously feeling like you are drifting..the waves beckons you to enter a carefree state of slumber...

we did abit of exploring as well.. i was impress by the rapid development of the area, though it seems to be forever under construction.. Siloso beach had under gone an extreme makeover.. evolved from a quiet little beach to one bustling with activities at every corner.. saw the sentosa luge.. made a visit to the all-familiar merlion walk..

i suppose this is one or those days whereby you really get to push all your troubles aside and enjoy yourself without any worries.. ... i guess i just enjoy the freedom of exploring the island.. isn't this a mirror that reflects what life is about?.. always searching the paths that leads to your destination resembles the way we're always seeking for answers to questions in life..but everything is planned and decided by you.. ( pardon me if it all sounds abit crappy..)

(gee, kind of over-roasted ourselves)

friendly people.. unfriendly me.. ha, that has always been the case..i went to fro's hse today together with chan and koh.. we were welcomed by their parents who prepared alot of food for us and were realli hospitable.. and as usual i'd shun for making direct eye contact with them..... hm.. it feels abit weird to drop by someone's house just for their food cause , ha, apparently that seems to be the reason why i was there (abit ashamed to say that).. the food was great anyway.. beats the charred one my ma produced when she decided to cook dinner for once.. he had a cute bro who's always running about in the house...had some great photos taken to add on to my album...

. give me a moment .

. to clear my mind .

. shrouded in mist .

. a path i must find .

blog entry 17.08.06

lkufn/lh/swgn/lh/slii/rzbq/ywgu/zjf/anni

my tears tell an untold story of a lost soul.. music, blasting into my ears.. not enough to affect the sphere of serenity that encloses the dying heart of mine.. but over time, my peaceful little world is shrinking.. darkness surrounds me.. it's depriving me the energy to fight back.. im withering.. sustaining on just one last breath..

freedom.. something that we have always craved for.. now that we finally have assess to it .. i find it so hard to grasp.. am i the only one who feel that way? suddenly we were asked to clear our leaves and offs in one shot.. suddenly i feel so insecure.. suddenly i feel so.. so lost..regime, routine, discipline..all these help to enforce my life in camp... they help to keep it secured.. but now it seems that everything is falling apart.. i guess im just not used to the absence of so many people... and they don't seem to be bothered by it.. why? sure they have a life outside... but is that all that they care about? this bunk is supposed to be the second home for twelve initially closely-bonded medics.. tonight.. it's a quiet home for one.. how many more lonely nights will i have to spend before i ord and finally give up on what i thought i was able to retrieve..

you blamed me for not being there .
now you're the one who just didn't care .
..im so confused..

to her,

memories * aren't they like snowflakes in korea? * descended all the way from heaven * then gracefully they disappear * together with my memory * you are slowly fading away * gradually disappearing * in a graceful way * your yesterday will fade away * together i'll fade away as well * in a way * you can never tell

to friend.

some words in this world

are so hard to say

nevertheless expected of me

at the end of the day

at the end of the day

i made two mistakes

putting friendship on a test

putting it at stake

first was that

i did something wrong

second being

i didn't know what was going on

forgiveness i ask for

tho i don't deserve

but sincerity is something

i still preserve

understanding i ask for

when i couldn't b there

but that was never because

i just didn't care

if i ever said something

that might hurt you

you should know me well enough

that i didn't mean to

at the end of the day

thanks for understanding me

no others words that i must say

other than..

im sorry

what am i to do?

who can i turn to?

i thought my heart was dead.. till tonight.. i realised that i could still feel the pain. i still hate you guys for making decisions for me and claiming what's best for me.. i still hate you all for not understanding.. i still hate you for abandoning me when you left for the spec course and dumping everything to me.. i still hate you for saying things which i wished you've never said behind my back.. and to think i could still give our working relationship a second chance.. i was so naive..

tonight, you said you wished to hand over store to me... i could have shouted at you.. but i had to summon jus that little strength left in me to restrain that urge...i don't wish to do this.. really, i don't wish to look forward to ord because i wish to leave this screwed-up place.. i wish to ord knowing that i achieved something not everyone was able to achieve.. knowing that i did a good enough job to keep a dept in order... but i can no longer harbour that thought because i just don't know how much longer i can hang on...

if there's a limit to one's tolerance, please let me see that limit.. cause it seems to go on forever... there's no end to it.. i really want to let go .. start clearing my offs and leaves, but my conscience stops me from doing so.. you know how depressing it is to know that you can't choose the easier way out...

now going through my head is tatu's song "friend or foe". are you my friend? or are you my foe?.. or are you both?..sorry if im being selfishcause i know it's really hard for you as well.. but you dragged me into this.. walk out on me and i'll hate you forever..

off the lights~ close your eyes ~
and the world wouldn't be able to see you cry~

001 . 364
002 . 363
003 . 362

counting days from the day im born .
counting days to the day im gone .

060 . 305

061 . 304

062 . 303

the future's so hard to foresee .

is that why i live in the past of me .

144 . 221

145 . 220

146 . 219

if given a chance to live a second time .

would everything be alright, would all be fine .

255 . 110

256 . 109

257 . 108

from my memory i learnt about fate .

building strength to face the days ahead .

319 . 046

320 . 045

321 . 044

everything i wanted, you gave me before .

what right do i have to ask for more?

from the cradle, the path i pave .

heading nowhere, but my grave .

cried my lungs out the day i was born .

earning the smile back for the day im gone .

had some sort of discussion with two of my friends just now.. i thought i'd feel better after sharing some of my problems .. but i find myself sprewing uncontrollably.. this isn't me.. it wasn't going anywhere. i thought i might have complicated things further.. not the same mistake please..

listen. . .do not say a word.. .
cos' everyone's hurt.. .
let the past sink slowly..
to the bottom of the sea.. .

listen.. or you'l never hear the breeze.. .
everyone knows tt we can't go on like this.. .
go ahead and shout out your problems..
only to block out silent confessions.. .

listen.. . do not say a word.. .
cos' everyone's hurt.. .

surrender.. surrender now.. you know you cant take it any more.. .. . .

. .. .. you said i was strong.. you said they were wrong.. what do you actually take me for?

how far can you go.. ask yourself.. jus how far.. can you go?.. .. . .

. . ..i don't know.. im so tired.. ever going against the flow.

then let it go.. . just let it go.. don't tire yourself anymore.. .. . .

. ..but it's wrong .. you know it's wrong..im so tired. i cant distinguish anymore.

i was born to be different.. i knew i was different.. but why.. me?

sometimes it's.. .

. .. . .don't remind me..

. .. not meant to be.. .

. . . .. .dreams that i couldn't see..

you ain't strong and that ain't wrong..

no longer can you tell them to bring it on..

they're everywhere.. it's suffocating.. . .

should i finally surrender.. to my deepest.. deepest sin..

God please forgive me.. if i ain't strong..

i know if i finally give up.. i am gone..

please give me a moment.. to think things through..

God please give me a moment.. to be with you.. . .

two days ago i was born .

two days later i was gone .

please save me from my past .

please let me let you go .

i caught the movie,"Just Like Heaven" with my usual clique.. it was a really touching movie.. it brought abit of tears to eyes between al the the bursts of laughters.. after that we had dinner at the sakae sushi at marina.. wel they chose tt place out of pity when i mentioned that i had oni eaten there once in my entire life.. man, i should have said marche.. ha , jus kiddin'.. there was loads of sushi, then there sashimi, tempura bento, some toufu-like thing... all amounted to a hundred and nine bucks!.. oh they gave me a bday card which they made themselves.. with a pix which they felt cute and i dun-realli-tink-it's .. um cute.... (wel, u might be able to catch a glimpse of it in my album).. ha.. after that we went to the esplanade.. the rooftop garden to be exact..the view's breath taking.. but too many couples and it was a realli hot night.. after which we crossed the bridge and took several photoswith the merlion.. ha some of us felt like tourists then.... then we sat on the floor and had abit of chat beside the clashing waves.. it felt comfortable...wel i always wanted to go to the beach.. but this wasn't too bad.. there're waves and nice ambience.. we felt like we were at the beach, more or less, in jeans and everything..but one of my clique mate wasn't with us that night.. i wonder how he's been.. anyway, they gave me a pair of jeans and a black-coloured punkish t-shirt.. joked that i should i change on the spot.. which i din of course.. aftre everything it felt like we had a long day.. i was beat... on my way back i was listening to "i need some sleep" from shrek 2.. ha, ya the song says it .. i need some sleep...

a link to the photos:
http://www.dotphoto.com/Go.asp?l=vincent1111&P=10F6&AID=3017651&T=1

~the big day~

met up with kl and khoonz at nus after their lecture.. it was the start of their study break i think.. had a nice chat at the engineers' canteen which was awfully quiet.. tried out her uncle's jap food.. took photos using her cam phone...had some realli nice photos taken.. it's really nice, i felt happy and comfortable then.. it's good to know we were closer as friends again.. not so much of awkward feelings anymore.. guess that's the way it is and i should leave it the way it is.. oh she gave me a cookie with a smiley face and from khoonz, a minature truck? ha, he's a weird guy anyway.. so full of interesting ideas.. haven't been in touch with him for quite some time already..

i spent the rest of my day with fro and kelv.. yup i was greeted with e bad news that fro's hp was stolen... i understand that feeling, knowing who's the culprit but wasn't able to find sufficient evidence to prove it.. ha sorry bro, i think im the jinx xp.. had walk ard ps before heading for expo.. then there was food,food and more food.. i think i ate alot for today.. next we went to Changi.. memories of the day we depart s'pore for brunei came flashing back.. ha im sorry if i sound abit disoriented now, cos ive been blogging for more than an hr now, and i feel really groggy)
ha think i should stop for now.. add in the details some other time..

got a realli cute ecard from an ex-classmate.. thot i'd share it w u guys.. check it out:
http://www.hallmark.com/ECardWeb/ECV.jsp?a=3943871553745M67628815Y

to me, gift-giving is actually a test... whether u fare well depends on how wel you know the person.. i must say some of my friends scored petty well today..

i recieved alot of bday gifts today.. first of all, four of 'em from fro, f'rus, azri n chandra... here was a beige-coloured bag, a hp pouch with mickey mouse prints, and a poster (e inspiratioanal kind).. what touched me was that each gift was given to me for a reason.. my previous bag was torn and i had to mend the "wound" myself, apparently now that ive got a new one.. heck care bout the torn one.. it was a simple bag which i like.. cos i go for simplicity nowadays...score. the pouch was to replace my old one, which the bore the smell (i mean essence) of all the things im gg tru in camp.. it was grey black and white.. it din occur me as sth cute, i thot it was quite stylist actually.. score..somehow,with that thing sticking out of my pocket, i always felt that it looked like part of my boxer showing (-_-"') m i even making sense, i dun understand why i felt that way actually.. ANYWAY, the poster.. the background resembles the creepy stairway in the korean horror film , " Magic Stairs".. but the words are meaningful.. the gist: things go wrong and they're inevitable.. rest if necessary but never quit..success originates from failure although it's not always obvious.. so it's important ever to give up.. aw.. that's sweet.. ha, i'll think twice whenever i feel suicidal.. score.. last but not least, it's my favourite: the book.. it's so cool.. it's got bday wishes from almost everyone in the med ctr.. including the mindef side.. dxo and everything.. it's interesting in the sense that the thing they write realli shows the character and personality of each n everyone of them.. and i realli appreciate the efort put in.. wow ..i din even see the preparation going on.. so swt tks guys..

tonight i had dinner with cheah, chew,kenneth and george at cafe cartel at cine..on our way there i could see cheah was abit preoccupied.. he'd never tell me what was wrong if i ask him straight in the face so i let him be.. guess it's al the stress.. he'd talk to me if he needs to.. he give me a gift, some sort of wire craft.. it's realli unique.. it's some black wires twisted into a shape of a guitar.. and ya it had my name on it.. it came with a card alright.. a "merr xmas and a hapi new year card".. ha we had a great laugh bout that.. after that he left and i went with the rest for a ktv session.. al the while they're trying to fool me into believing tat they got a female escort for me.. china girl, fair-skinned with a sweet voice, 120 bucks a night.. we sang till it was ard one plus.. had a bit a countdown thingy before midnight.. by the time i got home it was ard two in the morn...

happi bday vin...

just now i recieved a msg from qj telling me that the condition of lionel's grandma had deteriorated.. and that he wouldnt' be joining us this sat..i din bother to ask why do i always get to know through my other friends and not directly from him.. it always bothered me that he'd never look me up whenever he had problems.. but no, im not going to bring tat up.. it wasn't a good time. if b'day wishes do come true.. i wish that his grandma gets better.. and i wish him strength to fight the battle with her..

today we recieved an email from CO.. a warning letter actually .. apparently he wasn't at all pleased regarding snr med's absence without reason..

though snr med has been absent and was uncontactable for quite some time, i felt really sorry for him when everyone started to view him as an irresponsible leader.. im truly willing to view this from a different perspective.. his defiant behaviour only started to show after we came back from our overseas training.. before and during that exercise, he worked so hard to keep things in order.. how can anyone not see that?.. the CO doesn't know about this.. his job scope doesn't cover the operation of the medical centre.. i think it's really unfair to our snr med when he said that snr med wasn't committed enough... he has done so much and i could see he was stressed out.. paces two migration, iqa, paces two audit, post-ndp actions, preparation for lancer, dealing with the inspection from the hq side, mo hading over etc etc etc... so many things were going then.. and he had to handle them himself.. uncommitted? i don't think so..

and yet im surprised some of our guys still insist that he's a screwed-up guy.. can't they be more understanding.. i mean who are we to judge him when we don't even know what's truly going on and what he's going through? what right do we have to set such high expectations for him? how can they have the heart to critisize someone when seeing him break down under stress?

at this point in time, i can forget the times when he's unreasonable or when he tries to escape from chores, choosing the easier way out.. he's just a human.. and it's only human for us not to make matters worse..

for once i thought we'd be rewarded for finally coming together to strive towards a common goal.. but i should have known things are not going to work out the way i wished it would .. something told me it wasn't going to happen.. and guess what? it didn't alright..

we had our Defense shoot today... didn't fare very well for the day shoot, but there's still a glimpse of hope that we might still be able to achieve marksman if we score for the one at night... a ray of hope.. the first set of results for the one at night was void due to system error.. we were one shot away from our goal anyway.. we were given a second chance to shoot again.. but i totally totally scewed that up.. five misses.. how in the world did i do that? five misses... i cant help but to push all the blame to myself... the more the others didn't point at me and yell, " it's all your fault!" , the more terrible i felt..

after the night shoot, we were asked to play the role as assistants for the last detail.. the chamber was dark.. and no one did see the tears that welled up in my eyes.. my voice almost broke when i told the rest about the blunder i made.. it's really tough to be the bearer of bad news, telling the rest that you just screwed his chance of achieving marksman..

that night i told luk, "know wat? you should have saved a round and sent it straight through my head.."

k i guess i should quit whining.. no big deal.. fro's right.. is that how a 20-yr-old should behave?

ha..chick-in-black.. can it be any cuter?

"Sky High" was a realli fun movie .. caught the show today with kelv and fro... guess that was the highlight for today.. despite the simple plot, i'd still rate the movie above average.. cos of the combination of the interesting characters and their lame jokes.. i had a good laugh today.. i dunno.. what i like about this kind of stories is that there'll be a point in time where the apparent losers will join forces and show a terrific display of teamwork to defeat their arrogant opponents.. and when that happens i'll go "wow".. i simply love that idea ..ha after the movie we were still discussing about the kind of super powers we thought was the coolest.. i know it sounds rather childish but i always thought it'll be simply awesome if one could manipulate water and ice.. jus imagine.. the ability to control.. making a gobule float in mid air jus inches away from your palm.. you see ur rival just a distance away.. a simple wave of your hand and -swoosh- the gobule disappears and strikes ur rival in the chest with such impact that it knocks him off his feet.. wow.. k i know im letting my imagination run wild again...though the idea is not an original one but i never fails to facinate me..

after the movie and dinner... i went for my driving lesson.. it was yet another dreadful experience.. it'd be a miracle if the instructor decides to praise just for once.. k NOT including sarcastic comments.. he siad i'd fail with my current standard of driving for lik-i dunno- more than ten times.. wel that's a record.. don't wish to talk much abot it anyway..

after the lesson i went to the arcade at wm.. thought i'd go there for a game of time crisis, which i didn't, eventually.. a part of me thought i'd bump into cheah there... silly... just because i bumped into him once there... once at popular.. once at the ground floor.. doesnt mean i'd happen again today.. i dunno.. i just wish we could sit down and talk.. not about our problems but rather share with each other bits and pieces of our personal life once again.. i stil remember when we use to have heart to heart conversations in the day care room.. and every now and then there'l be nosy people who'd come in and join us.. of course by then we'll stop or try and switch topic..ha and once, after they left, cheah joked," they are realli annoyin huh.." .. i just laughed.. ya those were the times..

im so upset tonight when chew and i almost started quarreling again..he pushed the wrong buttons when he said there's nothing much left to be done by treatment now that the checklists are in charged by the duty medics.. i find myself defending for treatment once again... i thought i'd never have to do that again.. it's already been a year since i left..they never knew or even bothered to ask why i was upset back then and why i finally decided to leave that dept.. i knew f'rus was kind of disturbed by my decision when he didn't demand a reason from me.. it was until recently in Brunei did he finally bring up the issue and ask me why.. i know it was really unfair to him, and im realli selfish on my part..

back then everyone was ostracizing the treatment guys.. they said that we complain so much.. hide in the corner of the treatment room the whole day,shun from arrows... they said that we always use treatment as an excuse to skip trainings (hello, who can blame us? we were expected to standby treatment the whole day) ..you said that anyone could standby treatment and do dressing for our infrantryguys.. but why till now i don't see that happening... you said we were forever acting busy.. oh ya pardon me but those who comes to the med ctr just to read the papers and play the guitar are SURE busy... even Hakim said we were gay buddies.. there's oni so much one can take...i was realli upset then..

it felt so awkward just now cos minutes ago chew and i were still laughing our heads off while watching "friends".. and now we were quiet.. it all happened when i blurt out," oh you spec 2s are just like that." dun blame me .. he started it...

oh who was i kiddin'!! i make it sound like this so called friendship mattered so much to me.. man, i hated him.. i had enough facing him everyday in the storeroom.. at least im not a hypocrite.. you know what, i don't care.. i don't care abit...

to hell with you, stupid mannen!!!

tonight, the music did not numb my soul .
instead it lulled me in and brought me to another world .

i cant remember the last time i took a stroll alone along the singapore river.. tonight, after i excused myself from my sec school friends, i was there again to seek comfort from the calm waters.. i'll always come to this place on my own at night whenever i had the chance or when im feeling down.. the area beside the esplanade was bustling with activities, yet all these was toned downed by the serenity the river beyong emanates.. the distant lights of the city were like arificial stars to lit up the starless sky, yet accompanied by the mystical darkness over the waters to create a comfortable ambience.. all these contribute to magic of this beautiful place...

a band was performing on the theatre by the bay... some of the songs on the list included "no women no cry" ," knockin' on heaven doors" and " i will survive" (don't know if i got the names right) anyway they were awesome...at that moment, everyone was speaking a common language - music..you could almost feel the instant connection.. aw, i wished my friends were there to enjoy this with me..

get me out of stores please!! i don't care if the next one who takes over me gets it.. i don't care anymore...i really can't stand another one telling me that ive always been hiding in the storeroom doing nothing.. nothing?! fuck, you must be kidding! he's only in a service vocation.. what right does he have to criticize me... spare me this torment, realli..

dear God.. please grant me the strength to hate.. otherwise im not doing myself justice..

my tears are dried as i fell asleep in the bus.. people cry for a reason.. but tonight, i didn't know what mine was..maybe it's because my dad ignored me when said goodbye to him before i left.. did he not hear or did he choose not to?maybe he's still angry with me.. i guess he should.. ; maybe another reason could be due to my lousy performance in my driving practical lesson.. the instructor had to raise his voice every now and then throughout the entire lesson.. i felt terrible.. my spirits are further dampened when he said that i could forget about getting a license with that kind of standard..

i don't see one who cries as a weakling.. when tears fall, it's a sign telling you that you had enough for a day..

and i had enough for today..

you gave me wings so that i can fly away .
you saw it coming, i'll be old enough one day .
you know i wouldn't turn back to see the tears in your eyes .
is that the reason why you didn't say goodbye .

if you push me down into the raging sea .
please don't bother to try to save me .
you can retrieve the drowning person .
but never the heart that's broken .

to say that there's absolutely no problem between us, i'd be lying.. i don't hate him, seriously.. at least not as much as i want him as a friend.. but one part of me still warns me to keep a distance.. that defiant part of me tells me not to bother trying to improve our friendship.. that part of me that keeps chanting "if it doesn't matter to him, why must it be a great deal to you?...." .. to be frank, i've nothing against him.. cheah has played a role of a very respectable character in my life.. he knows the rule, he bends them well.. he gives me this sense of security which tells me that as long as we are under him, we wouldn't get ourselves into any serious trouble in camp.. maybi to others that the positive aspect of him.. but to me, it's this side of him had starts the fear in me, especially when he starts to show signs of doubt in my capabilities in terms of dealing with the work in the med ctr... okay maybi i didn't handle my work very well. but as my friend, i realli hope that he can recognise effort i put in to learn the strings and try to maintain the stores when my other colleague decided to let the entire burden fall on my shoulders..these few months haven't been easy for me.. but when you have doubts.. when you question me.. why is there still so many work to be done in stores? why is snr med putting so much focus in stores? they just hurt me.. hav you even considered my feelings?

i don't know..maybi im just too tired

as i was praying to God today,i said the usual prayers, but my mind was shrouded in worries..the inspection's tomorrow, after being postponed repeatedly until it can no longer be pushed back any further.. this is it.. despite carrying the section of the medical directives around in my bag, i was always reluctant to read it.. am i dreading too much and all these just isn't what's required of me?.. or is this expected of me and i just didn't manage to do my part? i really don't know.. another unit's already under investigation after screwing up the inspection. can i ever pretend that none of this is happening? i burnt my block leav already.. not that i feel that any of the last minute work i did was going to make things better.. maybi it's just a vain attempt to lessen the guilt im going to face after i screw up tomorrow. i don't know.. i just don't know.

if every signature i sign is a lie .
then i've lied more than anyone else in the world .

if time never stops .
then i'd be sinned if i do .

if death is painful .
then im more dead than dead .

if there's no room for mistakes .
then there's no room for me .


i did my best .. but my best wasn't good enough...

08/10 . 0743 . changi airport

touch down. finally im back. jus moments ago i was greeted by one of the crew staff as i was entering the main building, after alighting from the plane. from him, i heard the most heartwarming words since my departure from this very airport:

welcome back.

06/10 . 0745 . bunk

you know, it's weird waking up to find more than 3/4 of the people in bunk missing. i still can't fight the overwhelming nostalgic feeling inside me since last evening. i guess f'rus and fro were right that a simple life doesn't really exist anymore. this two weeks plus here is more for me to catch my breath before i face reality back home..

dammit, so fight the depression and move on, bitch!

05/10 (day 15) . 0900 . (unknown)

im now sitting at the edge of a series of interlocking spurs, whereby the hillslopes are actually covered with padi fields. little green plantlets maticuously planted such that they are spreaded evenly across the entire hill. (or knoll, i seriously can't tell the diff)

just a few days back, some of our men stepped across one of these fields and were unfortunatedly discovered by the owner who demanded that our unit does something in return to compensate for his loss. so here i am with twenty lethargic-looking guys from sp coy, five rolls of tow rope, fifty-over iron pickets and about five monkey ramps. they were required to build a makeshift boundary along one side of the field to prevent similar incidents from happening. from my point of view, the owner is apparently using our men to provide free labour. saves him alot of trouble and expenses.

but this place is beautiful, not exactly breathtaking but its peaceful and serene surrounding provided a tranquilizing effect, apart from the rhythmic sound of metal against metal as the iron pickets are driven into the ground that is. ha.. i guess im the only one here who is enjoying the blazing sun and the occasional breeze.

the moment i stepped out of the bunk this morning, i was greeted, yet again, by the cool refreshing air and the vast surrounding land, half covered in white fog, i knew i was going to miss this place. in fact, im starting to like this place as much as i hate to go back. it gives me the delusion that a simple and carefree life is still possible in reality. such a huge contrast to what's waiting for me to face back home. apparently, im the only one who doesn't share the same eagerness to go back home.

01/10 (day 11) . 0805 . foxbat sv

this morning ard 2 am, i was rudely awakened by the morning call by the rooster at M3. wel it seemed determined to wake the whole world up when it started screaming at 10 sec intervals
(yes, i timed it) all the way from 4 am! boy, it was ridiculously persistent.

right now im covering at the place where foxbat was formerly situated. wel, might as wel pen sth down. a list of some of things here that are different as compared to back home:

- cookhouse food is laden on metal trays which we have to wash before and after our meals, and dried with a filthy rag. utensils and mugs not provided.

- cicadas are a common sight here. same goes for huge staghorn beetles and what have you.

- the RPs here have an additonal job to do. that would be to inspect the garbage bags before they are being disposed, making sure that no SAF-related trash is found in them.

- those areas with roads look alot lik m'sia and the more densely vegetated areas resemble the camp sites in Tekong. ridges and knolls can seen everywhere.

- the perm staff here, especially those with the rank of staff and above, really know how to enjoy themselves outfield. lap-tops, dvds,fans, ice-cold soft drinks, safari beds complete with blankets, sumptuous breakfast, comprising of ham, scambled eggs and coffee ( they call it the American Breakfast or ABF in short)

- they are well versed with the signal set and apparantly proud of it.

- the canteen here operates all the way til ten in the evening. the stall vendors are exceptionally friendly to the perm staff here but are reeeeealli hostile to us.

- the e-mart here looks more like a mama shop, selling soveniors and boy band t-shirts.

- back home, everyone's talkin' about ORD; here , it's EOT.

- the med ctr here operates for 24 hrs which means having to wake up in the wee hrs to adminster medication or take parameters if you happen to be on duty.

- the med ctr here houses a pending- P case medic who roams about in the med ctr, he's apparently overlooked by the mo and is left untreated.. kk just kiddin'

- the medics here are parang-trained.

- you can barely see a speck that passes off as star at night. the jungle turns pitch-black by six thirty.

- sick-bay patients have to wear a ridiculously-looking "pyjames". ( no wonder they choose not to wonder about like they do in 5sir)

- the upsloping road that cuts right tru the camp is named PIE and the side roads are given familia names like holland road.

- they pay as much as fifty to sixty bucks per trip (if im not mistaken) to get the chartered mini buses (no wonder the drivers didn't mind fetching the drenched soldiers from cwo back to camp)

- saturdays and sundays are jus considered another two weekdays.come to think of it, it's seven-days work week here..man

- latest newspaper that you'll ever get here'll always be yesterday's papers

gee. my language skills are really deteriorating.. what has army done to me.....

30/09 (day 10) . 1905 . M3

today marks the end of sept 2005, ive spent more then a week here in Brunei. this entry's actually dedicated the perm staff medics here. from the bottom of my heart, i must say im truly impressed and touched by their friendly and helpful attitude towards us and amongst themselves. so much that i envy them when i find myself stuck in a world full of politics, deception, jealousy, stress and reality back home.

my path as a combat medic started off with dignity and pride when i first officially recieved my armband and foolishly believed that i was lucky enough to be in a vocation whereby im entrusted with a noble role of assisting the sick and injured when they desperatedly need us. but all the so-called pride and dignity gradually dissipated when i realised that the world outside wasnt' what i expected it to be.

our existence was just a joke. the men feigned illness , decieved us and made use of us in their attempts to malinger. the comander hate us for letting them get their way. covering for safety sounds like a task ladened with such important responsibilty when all i was expected to do was to sit there and "wait for sth to happen". my family and friends think that medics are slack. despite several occasions where i tried to tell them how tired i was during outfield trainings and from all the work in the med ctr, their impression of medics being slack is etched so deeply in their minds that they started to view me as a whiner. i never realli share with them my experience in the army anymore. i was so ashamed to mention my vocation to my old friends.

but these guys here allowed me torealise and learn what i thought was the most valuable thing i gained from this Brunei trip. their passion, their willingness to render assistance unconditionally, their humor and lifeliness. al these really struck a chord deep within me. these are so many qualities lacking back home, and an odd deja-vu feeling arises experienced them over here.

during one of the nights here in the med ctr, i was trying to handle the sudden influx of reporting -sick personnels alone when sr med and luk went off for a briefing. the men kept coming in. so many people. so many names. i started getting the names all mixed up and was utterly helpless. it was then Jon came over and offered to help. he was so familiarised with his job that he could effortlessly do all the necessary documentations and clear the crowd. i cant be more grateful. but back in my camp in spore, similar situations'll only cause the medics to stress out and start spewing vulgarities. i was thinking, back home, why shun from all the "arrows"? why cant we just do what there is to be done and experience the whole thing? maybi e can gain something out of it who knows?but that's a hard-to-achieve mentality, i guess.

i read the letter their previous mo left for them. it had a personal touch to it bos it was addressed to each and every one of the medics here.. it seems that their mo understands them so well, they appear to be like a small family. i could even sense the familiar nostalgic feeling the letter brought out. if i were to leave my med ctr and to write a letter to the rest before i do so, i suppose i can only produce one with all their negative aspects. i guess i just didn't understand them well enough on a personal level.

jon, jufri, sahir and ariff. another four special people who crossed my life. they brought a whole new meaning to my vocation and my fate.

29/09 (day 9) . 2130 . bunk

tonight i gathered from the perm staff medics sth which triggered the anger within me. apparantly, hann and luk have been spreading a rumor regarding my sexual orientation, again. i find myself trapped in an oddly familiar situation whereby im desperatedly trying to defend myself and to fend off their teasing. im at a loss of words. to them, the more i tried to defend myself, the more i appear to be in denial. i don't blame the perm staff, they aren't the ones who started such an absurd rumor.

it wouldn't be that bad if they chose to joke in my knowledge. but spreading it behind my back, tt's unacceptable! it's atrocious! it's not the first time these two skums make me feel so disgusted. sometimes i thought i could realli throw them a punch or two, without feeling guilty, just to wipe the smirk off their faces.

they never considered my feelings on knowing this, never cared if i would find out, of course. boy, what am i expected to forgive 'em without them feeling ashamed or remorseful, yet again? i've tried to forget what happened the other time, tolerated with their childish behaviour whenever they tried to play "gay". this isn't one of those entries filled with petty complains. i didn't talk much tonight, not because my "PMS mode" was triggered without a reason. i was just wondering how i could be so stupid to even consider including them in my circle of friends.

~~ "~~

many strange things happened tonight in camp and even out in the jungles. reported ghostly encounters by some of our men. vague attempts to cover up the incidents with logical explanations. Hasbi became one of the unfortunate victims who was disturbed. at least i don't believe he's one who'd actually joke abut this. i learnt from his commanders that at that point in time, he "didn't respond when being called upon by his peers" and he suddenly "possesed strength that required seven guys to hold him down as he was struggling". guess that explains the commotion at the far end of the bunk just now.

others stories include being disturbed by "them" in the jungles when they were sleeping in their individual hammocks., hearing a kid laughing in the middle of the night. being tugged on the sleeves in their sleep. i wasn't realli afraid, but was guiltly excited after the whole episode. i wouldn't say im one who is religiously devoted but the amulet im wearing around my neck makes me feel safe at night. sometimes, i just feel ashamed of myself when i realise that i only turn to religion when i feel helpless in times like this. i know it's mark of disrespect if there's a slightest doubt in my belief in God. guess at this point of time i should question no further, blind faith or not, i should really take a stand and be truely devoted.

28/09 (day 8) . 1035 . cwo

Just minutes ago, i was listening to the conversation between Jufri and some of the other perm staff regarding their eot. then i was wondering, when is my end-of-tour? or should i rephrase, when is my ord? and after that, what's going to happen next? am i even prepared for this transition to the next phase of my life.

i've always lamented that seving the army is just a waste of time. when providing safety cover, like what im doing now, you are just sitting there and waiting for time to pass by. but if im granted the freedom to go anywhere i want and to do anything i wish, will i still be sitting here waiting for something to happen? frankly speaking, yes, i'll probably still be sitting here, waiting for something to happen. the thing is, im just not prepared. i not even prepared for my 20th bday. but one thing that i learnt about life is that it never waits for you to be prepared. in fact you'll never be prepared to do anything. gee. i never knew how i survived till today with that kind of mentality. i always thought that if given enough time, i'll be be able to make the necessary preparations and before i know it - wham - it smacks right in your face and you can only say, " f**k it, jus do it."

27/09 (day 7) . 0645 . M2

i spent a week here in Brunei already. within this period, i only got a single friendship msg from her. she already sensed that i was trying to avoid her, i guess. hopefully my deliberate attempts to avoid her did not hurt her feelings. my intention was clear-cut because i didn't want her to misunderstand. i know im not being friendly this manner but this is one mistake i cannot afford to make. you know, guilt always surfaces whenever i thought i could stop worrying about this because im in Brunei. frankly spaeking, im no different from others. im just another selfish person.

two years ago my friends called me a "selfish and insensative" person because my actions showed not the slightest consideration for someone's feelings. i totally took advantage of the whole incident. ha, guess two years later, i proved them right again.

guess this Brunei trip allows me to escape from my life. maybe i still haven't managed to think things through, that's why im given 3 weeks. actually right here overseas, i don't have to think about deteriorating friendships within my sec sch clique, don't have to be constantly reminded whenever i see them, don't have to see my desperate attempts to set things right. i don't have to care about the mess in store. all the endless work. all the unsuccessful attempts to get thing right. all the aimless search for where to start. no IQA.. for the time being. you wouldn't know how worried i am about this thing, it's like a time bomb waiting to explode in your face.. but right now.. it's just ticking away.. i makes me feel so guilty watching snr med trying so hard to help out with my store stuff.. but my capability is so limited, as compared to those who went for spec course.. i couldn't help much.. and im realli tired..

there are times where i tried to explain my situation to my parents but their impression of medics are - as usual - combat medics is a slack vocation, nothing much to worry about. a desperate cry for help that no one was able to hear. im still trying to accept this as part of mylife.

but right now, all things aside..

26/09 (day 6) . 1216 . M2

two years ago
they said you were sad
i knew you just broke up
i just didn't care

i gave you a silver bracelet
i thought mine was different
then you felt uneasy
i lied tt it's jus a bday present

one year later
i thought it'll b alright
i thought i waited long enough
i thought the time was ripe

i gave you a purple bracelet
was glad when you wore it
until the day you told me tru the phone
you wanted to clarify things abit

another year later
we became strangers
so called bcos each time we meet
the feeling jus gets stranger

over and over
i asked the same old qn
two yrs ago at the prom
did i make the right decision?

26/09 (day 6) . 0835 . M2

~verse 1~
here i stand on this foreign land
my guys at every bend .
their curses carried by the wind
their thoughts across the land .

the morning sun burns right tru the skin
the night wind gale chills to the bone .
(tryin') hard not to forget the reason
why im 'here and not back home .

~chorus~
the silver crest on the cap im wearing
today it bears a sign .
it never meant a thing before
but today it serves to remind .

(beyond) al the jungle and the trees
beyond the land and sea
there's a place tt'll always harbour echoes
of my distant memories

~verse 2~
reachin' for stars at night (jus to find)
to stars 'ere never shine .
(like a) sleepin' grave of the fireflies
unlike the one i had in mind

(i know) your cries are drowned in the rhapsody
by the cicadas on this land .
im also right here sufferin'
im the same as you, my friend

:: repeat chorus ::

here's one rose for each early sms i recieved from you since day 1 of my attachment. it's one of the sweetest things you've done for me. this year it's the first vday that im actually celebrating with someone.

_nz/fbs/fnk/uilnw/fbs/jxitoa/gtj/kit/gkbw/abo/lqqtnf/frbg/uro/tiitp/jrC

Several occassions you realli did touch me with the things that you did.
tghkg/vvotn/ulnn/vbq/qtbqlg/fiobb//ibou/oru/oro/ryabo/ryabx/nn/qnxqnj/yxrt/zjb

qbq/x/nlunnv/uilhbq/fnhn/ojlxtysnnw/uilitbz/ojlxiro/ojlwyg/gatnpj/abo/gz/nw

/nslq/gz/vr/aoulq/r/nnonno/al/hrq/lqqtnf/l/vztq/noa/fbs/jxa

23/09 (day3) . 0930 . survival village

back in my sec school days, i never realli appreciated what i was learning during phy geography lessons. erosions. weathering. freeze-thaw process. alternate expansion-contraction. now everything starts coming back to me, all the pictures that the textbook could possibly offer starts flooding my mind.. cos right here where im sitting, scattered around are all sorts of angular pieces of rock.. it was as if im was able to witness the disintegration of this huge knoll. though ever so slowly but nevertheless breaking down right in front of my very eyes. i remembered vivdly how ms ros was trying to take us for a walk in the school complex, desperatedly looking for signs of erosion to show to us. this very hill where im sitting on right now.. will be her heaven.

21/09 (day 1) . 2205 . bunk in Lakiun Camp

how many people before me has slept on this exact spot tt im lying on right now?
how many had drenched the long-4 i wore this morning with their sweat before it was issued to me?
how many more has used the same metal tray i used to laden my lunch today?

all these served to remind myself that im just one of the many people who had to go through all these. i wasn't realli suffering.. at least not yet.. im kind of accepting this as part of my life .. part of other peoples' as well..

tonight i made several attempts to call back home. either the line was engagaed or because i punched the wrong numbers, the calls just wouldn't get through. oh wel, i gave up anyway. it didn't matter. if someone were to ask me if i miss the people back home, i would say no and be sad about it.

jus a few mins ago, i recieved a msg from her. i don't understand why a distant friend could msg me to wish me good night but none from my usual clique could do the same.. i don't understand why at the point of entering the departure hall, it was me who msg them to announce my departure instead of them messaging me to wish me good luck. was it alot to ask from them?

ha, pardon me if im using an apparently depressing tone, it's just that im fighting off sleeping spells and , at the same time, trying to pen something down before i surrender to e sandman.

just one more day before i leave for Brunei and im still sitting here.

bag unpacked.

watching the rain fall.

i don't feel reluctant to leave.. but that's why i feel sad. there's nothing here which i cant bear to leave behind. i try not to make a big deal out of my departure cos i know it isn't a great deal for the rest. oh it wudn't be so bad if they havent asked me out for dinner and then tell me tt so many people couldn't make it. they always never made it. and for once i thought they would come for my sake. they never did. though i tried so much to avoid, i still became the second yihua, having to add disappointment onto the fear of leaving for place we've never been before.

im know im afraid, but yet i don't feel it. i feel so disoriented these days. i cant imagine two days later i wouldn't be lying on the same bed, eating the same food. two days later i/ll be in a different world with significantly fewer people to fall back on.

i still not used to being alone. and now i have to.

they felt so distant...

im flying off to brunei next wk .. and i thought tonight would be one special night that'll make me reluctant to go.. but it wasn't .. one gathering that was supposed to remind myself that there are still people here whom i can't bear to leave.. but i learnt a cruel fact.. that im drifting away.. away from them.. on the bus trip to my house, they were chatting away.. talking about the good old times that they had in their secondary school.. i wanted so much to join in but finally gave up when i realised that i wasn't part of their lives.. wasn't part of their memories.. ten years down the road, will they still remember me?..

and yet i still claim that they're my closest friends.. friends who don't know that i had a blog and started blogging since last sept... friends who don't know that ive written four songs.. friends who don't know that im finally tired of making b'day cards for them in exchange for some meaningless "thank you" msgs.. friends who don't know that im breaking down from all the stress in the med ctr.. friends who don't know that i must have a chicken wing added to my breakfast every sunday.. friends who don't realise that i never bought yong tau fu since ever... after al these.. they still the only ones i have...

the world never revolves around me.. i know that.. but i just hope for once i can hve the illusion of being the core of things.. that i could be the reason for someone's existence...

but i was never the reason...

ten years down the road.. will they remember me?..

last night i sent her a friendship message. then i got a reply which i expected, asking who i was. i didn't really intend to reply. i dunno.. guess i was.. wel.. afraid of what i might be getting myself into.. let alone flirt with someone whom i've never met before.. today she sent the same msg to me. i responded. saying that i was the guy she met at wm the other night.. ..

tonight, what i thot was one of the most amazing things in life happened to me. initially i was in low spirits . alot of incidents contributed to how lousy i felt that very evening. one hour before lesson, i realised that my student booklet was left at home. thot i could make a trip back before heading for bbdc. never thought that i would end up boarding the wrong bus and went all the way to the telok blangah area.. then i realised it'll be way too late for lesson if i stick to the original plan. the thought of wasting 67 bucks on an unattended lesson really disturbed me.

but sth happened that night that brightened things a little. i was having dinner at the food court in wm. sited across was a group of pple (two gals, a guy). at first i didn't take notice of them but as they got up and were about to leave, the guy placed a piece of folded paper on my tray and said, "that person asked me to pass this to you."written inside was one of the girls' name and contact no. thought the gesture was kind of sweet.

right now that piece of paper is still tucked inside my wallet. in my mind i was still considering whether or not to get to know her better.

today as i was walking down the slope outside ports down gate, i cried. didn't know what brought tears to my eyes. whether it was the thought that two of my army friends are leaving for spec two course (i didn't even know whether to call them good buds or just mere acquantances, but right now, everything seems so distant) and today being their last day in camp; or is it the stress and pressure that has been suffocating me for the past few days. i have never learnt the true meaning of the word 'lost'. until now. these few days have been the definition of this very word and i had to learnt it the hard way. aimless. depressed. i can't even think to word that is close enough to describe how i feel at this very moment.sometimes i felt that my world is suddenly enclosed within the four walls of the storeroom. closed doors. no windows. suffocating.

i realised that ive become more and more skeptical these days, scrutinizing every single person around me.. even those who tried to render assistance. apparently. i tired of trying to read between the lines of what my army mates say to me. you know, my heart sank when chew tried to imply that i was slacking on my job when he's around, and now being such a screw-up is just what i deserve. what has he been saying to my friends behind my back? why do i feel that they're implying something along the same line, or am i just paranoid?

im just confused.. i treated him as if i owed him in my previous life. i tried not to offend him. i never realised i was so afraid of him. but now that he's gone away for course, dumping all the work to me, i felt seriously lost. seriously lost.

i know im not a strong person but neither do i want to show the others my vulnerable side. i'll not let them see me cry.

~~~~~

i always like to visit qj's blog. i guess it's because i always find his life way more interesting. such a huge contrast. have you ever wondered where you stand? how sigificant you are in your friend's life? i know i don't play an important role in his life. no im not complaining like an immature spoilt brat. im learning not to. it's not as depressing as it sounds. but it serves as a wake-up call . i really want to understand the true meaning of friendship. to really learn that it's something beyond expensive gifts, friendship messages and regular gatherings.

last nigth, cheah and i had some serious talk in the five ton on our way back from marina. the more we talked, the more i sensed the difference in the direction we're heading...i felt so uncomfortable at several times that i had to stop and let silence set in. maybe he's right that azri's attitude has changed, but i dun think he's the only one. i had this urge to tell him, "hey cheah i think u've changed as wel." last night's conversation wasn't so much of a friend-to-friend conversation, he was more of talking to me as a senior medic 2ic..at least that's how i felt and i suspect the purpose of last night's conversation was for me to spread to message to the "guys on my side". and not that he was concerned about any problems we're facing..

maybe the problem doesn't lie in him.. it lies in me.. but i cannot help but sense this superior air around him whether it's in camp or out.. i felt suffocated. i felt that i had to hide my weakness from him so that he doesn't look down on me. we used to be good friends , i hate to see what's happening now..what makes him think that he's so important that we cant take care of every thing when he's away on course.. why must he always think that he's fucking right.why did he have to say that the crude remark that luk made about us was what we deserved when he only chose to listen to his side of the story.

i guess it just doesn't feel right hving a friend to say how screwed up you are. and it's even worse if you couldn't fight back.. maybe he's so right that you couldn't.

i wish we hadn't know each other through army.

children staring as if azri and i were some idiots. but with all the f words flying straight into your face, who wouldn't stop to take a look at what's happening? at least azri tried to rebut when snr med was scolding us
. i couldn't do anything.

don't you stop me from complaining you wouldn't know terrible it felt to be reprimarded in the public like you were some three-year-old kid.

what's so difficult? is it so hard to go through all these without whining and trying to get the whole world to know you're god-damn tired (pardon me, seriously)

but i am tried. really tried.

today's marked the fifth day of the carnival@marina. remembering the countless times i refered to the brochure trying to plan an eventful day for my sec school friends if they ever were to come. it all seemed so silly when i knew they'd never come. and yet i still harbour this glimpse of hope that they might consider making an exception this time, on account that i tried so hard to promote the carnival to them.

three fireworks shows. several concerts. they didn't know how much i wanted to share all these with them. but why am i watching the fireworks festival alone? and the concerts, no matter how'
high' the atmosphere created, it wasn't sufficent to rock my world and drive the overwhelming sense of disappointment away.

for the past few days, ive pondered over alot of things. ask myself alot of questions. some which i could never find a answer to, some with answers that i try to avoid. why do they not reply my smses? you know it wouldn't be so bad if it happened only once or twice. so many times i waited for the smses that never came. and it wasn't just one person. i had to fight the urge to call them up and ask for a reason. but i always hesitated when i thought that the problem might not lie in them, but in me. and whatever reason they came up with, is it just a lie to make me feel better?

there are some things that i always wanted to tel them but never did. too afraid. i was too afraid of the implications if it proved to be a wrong move. i wanted to tell them about the real me that they'd never seen before from the first day we met. i cried alot. cried alot in several ocassions during my schooling days. both syf competitions. last band performance. graduation day. last civics lesson. teachers' day. last day of school etc.. but they never knew. they had never seen me shed a tear before. not because i was strong. but because when i was feeling down, they were never there. they never knew. i wanted to tell them how much i needed them to hear my problems.. that i can no longer handle them alone. but these days i felt myself drifting away and start to realise that they are no longer the ones im seeking for.

i saw lionel and his army friends at the carnival today. wanting to greet him, i walked up to him but was suprised to find myself backing away. walked away instead.

wrote alot today. i never wrote this long in any of my previous entries. almost had an emotional outburst in front of chew today. i seldom entrust my thoughts and feelings to others. what is happening to me?

how would you feel if in the middle of a game of pool, your friend effortlessly hit the black ball into the hole, declare defeat and say something like, "i don't want to waste my time."?

i was devastated. go ahead and call me a loser but im sorry, i just cant take this. i admit that im a lousy player and a sore loser, but i guess it wouldn't be that bad if he didn't laugh at my every mistake. why did he had to make me look really bad? why did i had to act sporty and ask them out for a game of pool? it was obviously a pit hole im digging for myself to fall in, showing them all my weakness that i was so desperatedly trying to hide. why did i have to create another reason to hate myself? why cant i be so sure of whatever i was doing?

ha.. what a joke. my life's a joke. i myself is a living joke.

and a mistake.
strange enough i don't find that amusing.

i thought we could have fun this afternoon.
who knows i just lost a friend.

don't be sad la. we are always being left out.

i didn't know why f.rus said that to me this morning but i was comforted by those words. momentarily i felt that at least one person in this world knew how i felt without me having to spell things out.

yet another day has passed. this being a cocktail of different feelings..

sweetness~when i found one whom i thought understood me,perhaps because he's facing similar problems of his own. a tinge of aftertaste when snr med and chew failed to recognise my role as a store 2ic, yet again. a bit of sourness when kl didn't seem to be as keen about coming to the carnival tis sat as i was no matter how i tried to make it sound interesting. even xy didn't bother to reply me. i don't wish to lament this anymore because i wish tt had reasons for ignoring me today. i don't wish to hate them. abit more sweetness when i was able to mngle with the rest in the later part of the day, though i felt that i wasn't myself back then.

i can't help but to realise that at some point in time im still avoiding cheah. i don't know. sometimes it feels like he's so close as friend to me. but there are times when he's nothing more than a stranger. i thought i understood him, that some conversations we had was based on the trust that i wouldn't spill the secrets out. but in actual fact, i didn't realli understand him at all. he's lik a manifest of my life, if i were to personify it. and there's only one word to describe my life: ironic.

maybi im reading too much into it. perhaps he's just another who leaves footprints in my life and then takes his leave.

ive just moved my blog from wang4you1cafe.blogspot.. once committed a mistake of telling one of friends my blog address and now im trying to set things right. for the time being im unsure if i should tell anyone bout this blog at all because right now i really have no idea whom i can trust.

i was on duty with f.rus yesterday at marina south. guess people will only engage in heart-to-heart conversations if you force them to be in an environment whereby there's really nothing much to do. i don't know. the more i talk to him the more i feel that the problems i face are relatively insignificant.

many of my friends come from complicated backgrounds. they have family problems that they've been trying to avoid by staying in camp during nights-out. they constantly face financial troubles that they have grown to be so used to, dealing them as part and parcel of their lives (something an ASK lik me could never understand.). and there i am whining over deteriorating friendships, rejection from a girl when i should have gotten over by now, negligence from my parents, my bleak unplanned future, my nonexistense in camp..when will i ever grow up. i dont even think im prepared for the transition to adulthood. to think im turning 20 this year.

nah, yesterday's conversation wasn't so much about him trying to confine in me. guess both of us know that other than providing a listening ear there's really nothing much i can do to help. that's actually one of my problems- people trust me more than they should. i suppose everyone have problems, some would choose to hide from them, some would talk things out. guess for me, it's better to bottle everything cos im one of those who choose to hide