#01: A day in Sembawang is always much appreciated. It's an escape from the "hustle and bustle" of the Outram Office.
#02: Nice dinner at Conrad to celebrate Pa's belated birthday. I never really liked the food there, but somehow, dinner today made me forget all the nitty gritty matters at work.
#03: Looking at how my bro and sis-in-law are coping well with the new baby, made me realize how adaptable humans are to changes. Most of us don't welcome changes to our lives for the fear of having to step out of our comfort zones. Changes are neutral, no good or bad. Human are adaptable, come what may, somehow it will eventually work out.
16.10.12
Day 3 of 21: Focus on simplicity
#01: Had a good lunch. Rendang chicken was great.
#02: Touched my piano again, and decided that my thousand-over-dollar purchase should not be a blatant proof that I buy on impulse. Started with Canon in D.
#03: Switched off and slept before 12. It's a luxury.
#02: Touched my piano again, and decided that my thousand-over-dollar purchase should not be a blatant proof that I buy on impulse. Started with Canon in D.
#03: Switched off and slept before 12. It's a luxury.
15.10.12
Day 2 of 21: Finding strength in moment of weakness
#01: The fact that im still posting an entry today, shows the strength and hope which i am thankful for. It has been a rough day, my health's been deteriorating and it's showing today. I am still hopeful.
#02: More or less settled my Bintan trip. it is a great deal for me, cause i needed some "alone" time, with just a couple of close buddies.
#03: Had a peaceful yet fulfilling work day. Boss almost lost her patience, but was thankful it didn't ugly and ruin the day.
#02: More or less settled my Bintan trip. it is a great deal for me, cause i needed some "alone" time, with just a couple of close buddies.
#03: Had a peaceful yet fulfilling work day. Boss almost lost her patience, but was thankful it didn't ugly and ruin the day.
14.10.12
Day 1 of 21: Life is good
Today marks the beginning of my 21-day exercise which is supposed to help me focus on the positivity of life. So for every day during this 21-day period, i'll be listing 3 good things that happened. Life is good. Here goes.
#01: spent a quality 5-10 min with mum to view the new fishes pa introduced to our pond and new orchids that bloomed. I have a beautiful garden at my doorsteps but normally i'll pay no attention to it no matter how much pa wanted us to appreciate his works.
#02: Had a good lunch with family and was glad my younger brother was more engaged in our conversations, especially during this period when he is going through his "rebellious" phase.
#03: Nice gathering with my OG and am thankful that they still remain the bunch who still appreciates my jokes and presence.
#01: spent a quality 5-10 min with mum to view the new fishes pa introduced to our pond and new orchids that bloomed. I have a beautiful garden at my doorsteps but normally i'll pay no attention to it no matter how much pa wanted us to appreciate his works.
#02: Had a good lunch with family and was glad my younger brother was more engaged in our conversations, especially during this period when he is going through his "rebellious" phase.
#03: Nice gathering with my OG and am thankful that they still remain the bunch who still appreciates my jokes and presence.
23.9.12
与大家一起，累。
总觉得事事都很不顺心。最近常动不动就与身边的朋友起争执。身子也不好。总觉得老天爷真的是看我很不顺眼，非得处处为难，让我身边最亲的人，一一地离开。大家都因工作繁忙，烦与累已经成为大家生活的一部分。可是当你真的想找个人倾诉的时候，这个人到底在哪里？以前动不动就称对方为“兄弟”，“知己”， “Friends forever”。真真能无条件付出，关心别人生活的人，在这世上，还省几个？
1.7.12
Just a thought
Matters of heart seems daunting when we dwell on the past. Will I ever find the courage to embrace it once again?
29.2.12
Getting uncomfortable can be a good thing.
I’m naturally reserved. I’m quiet and shy, and it’s easy to let that hold me back. It’s easy to ignore people instead of engaging in conversations; which means I can miss out on opportunities just because I feel uncomfortable.
When we sit in the background and choose not to contribute, we’re not taking responsibility for our lives. We are the only ones who can make the effort and change things. Sometimes it’s the most uncomfortable moments that lead to an important connection or spark of inspiration.
I am uncomfortable. Above is an extract from tinybuddha.com. I'm making efforts to be mentally prepared for tomorrow, including reading motivational articles from the website to make sense of what's happening now. I also chose to take a day off today to spend more time and be mentally prepared. I guess that's me. The abundance of time allows me to prepare myself for what seems like the next big thing in my life.
I tried to be cool about it and to not make such a big deal out of it, but I failed. I packed the things from my old work desk into a small bag, things which i felt could be of use in my new workplace, including a small pot of plant that has accompanied through my previous course of employment. It felt sad. And the reason wasn't because i couldn't bare to leave the place. It was just that the process of trying to clear every trace of your existence, to make way for someone else, that's sad. My colleagues were informed of my "resignation" just slightly more than a day before yesterday, and they managed to come up with a simple card, 2 pieces of chocolate, a bottle of sparkling water and a piece of chocolate cake. To me, that was a great deal. My reserved nature would prefer putting an end to that day by sneaking out through the front door.
That day when i was in the car, I started the engine, and i cried. briefly.
A subtle sign. I was uncomfortable.
24.2.12
Haha, I just signed up for the Postcrossing Project, and now i'm supposed to write a postcard to a guy named Roman who lives in Ukraine. Ok, i'll need to first google on where Ukraine is....
5.2.12
4.2.12
Too many people, too many opinions. They cloud the mind and very often i forget what i really want. There are people who criticize the fact that i didn't look for a job immediately upon graduation. There are people who said im very laid back and passive in my job hunting. There are people who don't understand why i chose to leave my parents company. There are people who said that i didn't know what i want.
They are wrong. I know what i want. I just don't know what i should do to achieve that. I want self respect. And Ive been struggling to have that respect for myself. I lost that in my parents company when I felt that what Ive been doing in the office, wasn't important. I was easily replaceable. And when I felt that my dad didn't really have concrete plans for me, I decided that I had to go. When I realized that I had nothing that my parents could feel proud of after my A levels, I needed to get out. When my uncle said I was doing "ITE job" in front of my colleagues, when my aunt was shocked that I didn't even attempt to find a job outside, I felt that staying in my current situation, was wrong. And I could relate to this army mate of mine, who behaves like a joker, but has my respect when he got out of his fathers company to work at hotel 81. People laugh at that, I don't. I understand why he made that decision.
Maybe it was a desperate attempt to find someone who really appreciates me, or someone who is willing to groom me. Im not an errand boy. I don't wish to be picking up letters from the letter box, collecting rental, checking meter readings, picking up documents, sorting invoices my entire life. I wish to have that right to complain that im tired, that right to complain about work. Ive lost that right. Because i came from a very protective family. Because I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. And I was never happy. And I don't have the right to talk about that either. Ive friends who say that im useless, and that ive "no improvements after all these years". Yes I've reached a point where Ive started to absent myself from gathering to avoid these crude, but true, remarks.
You can give me all the money in the world, and I know I wouldnt be happy. Money can buy love. Things that money can buy, can replace love. That's what my parents believe. And result, an unhappy child.
It makes me feel unfilial to put that blame on my family or the kind of environment I was raised in. But that's how i really feel. I feel that they have a part to play for who i am today. I don't face financial problems. I don;t have to teach tuition to earn extra money for the family. I live in a big house. I don't have find the need to look for a job that urgently. I could still afford to go on a grad trip. By societal definition, I should be happy and people would die to be in my position.
Let me share some of troubles faced by this not-so-poor kid. I come from a well-to-do family. When I was still studying in primary school, my parents had no trouble hiring tutors. I had tuition weekday, Swimming and organ lessons on Sat, Mental calculation on Sunday, Calligraphy on Wednesday. I had 20,30 assessment books but I had no friends. Well, I had 2 best friends, David and Timothy. They are brothers. but one day when we were having tuition together, they broke the news saying that they were migrating to Perth. And before I knew, they took off. And I really had no friends. My parents don't see that as a problem. Both of them were working and they seldom have enough time for us. We had maids who cook for us. Ive never tried my mum's cooking simply because I think she doesnt know how to. . I take the school bus, which means I never got to take the public transport alone. Hence, I was a traumatic experience when I had to move on the secondary and had to take the bus on my own. My mum wasn't there, cos my younger just got into primary one.I didn't have much experience buying food, so I bought wanton mee almost every day. I was very protected, and back then, I don't see it as a problem, neither did my parents. I only started buying my first plate of chicken rice during a secondary school class gathering. Those memories are still vivid in my mind, because it wasn't a pleasant experience either. Yes i admit i was spoilt, but i didn't choose to be. It doesn't make sense, to be contributing part of my salary to the household, because it wasn't required. When we go out for a meal and I ask to pay for the bill, My mum would say that im "ridiculous". Am i? I was just trying to do what society deem as the "right" thing to do.
Over time, life gets more and more confusing. The dilemmas that I face becomes more complex with age. There are so many people around me, with differing views. And Im really starting to lose sight of what I want. All my life ive been following rules, and I kept lamenting on the fact that it harder to meet everyone's expectations. I find this constant need to prove myself, and I get very unhappy when i wasnt able to do just that. And I lost that ability to set expectations for myself when I was too obsessed with what others expect of me. What is it that i would feel that is right and best for me? A few days ago, if you offer me the job with only a basic wage of $1k per month, I would take it. But now, after hearing so many opinions, Im hesitating. Why? Some people say I should ask for more. Some say that I shouldn't try to be so greedy and just accept it. Some say i wasn't "job-hungry" enough because if i were, I would feel desperate and find out more from the HR officer who made that phone call that day. Apart from feeling hesitant, I was angry with myself, for being "shallow". For not meeting the expectations, or others.
What is it that I want? Im slowing losing sight of it.
Maybe I need someone to tell me to fuck-care all of them and do I feel is right. That, will make me happy. Truly.
They are wrong. I know what i want. I just don't know what i should do to achieve that. I want self respect. And Ive been struggling to have that respect for myself. I lost that in my parents company when I felt that what Ive been doing in the office, wasn't important. I was easily replaceable. And when I felt that my dad didn't really have concrete plans for me, I decided that I had to go. When I realized that I had nothing that my parents could feel proud of after my A levels, I needed to get out. When my uncle said I was doing "ITE job" in front of my colleagues, when my aunt was shocked that I didn't even attempt to find a job outside, I felt that staying in my current situation, was wrong. And I could relate to this army mate of mine, who behaves like a joker, but has my respect when he got out of his fathers company to work at hotel 81. People laugh at that, I don't. I understand why he made that decision.
Maybe it was a desperate attempt to find someone who really appreciates me, or someone who is willing to groom me. Im not an errand boy. I don't wish to be picking up letters from the letter box, collecting rental, checking meter readings, picking up documents, sorting invoices my entire life. I wish to have that right to complain that im tired, that right to complain about work. Ive lost that right. Because i came from a very protective family. Because I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. And I was never happy. And I don't have the right to talk about that either. Ive friends who say that im useless, and that ive "no improvements after all these years". Yes I've reached a point where Ive started to absent myself from gathering to avoid these crude, but true, remarks.
You can give me all the money in the world, and I know I wouldnt be happy. Money can buy love. Things that money can buy, can replace love. That's what my parents believe. And result, an unhappy child.
It makes me feel unfilial to put that blame on my family or the kind of environment I was raised in. But that's how i really feel. I feel that they have a part to play for who i am today. I don't face financial problems. I don;t have to teach tuition to earn extra money for the family. I live in a big house. I don't have find the need to look for a job that urgently. I could still afford to go on a grad trip. By societal definition, I should be happy and people would die to be in my position.
Let me share some of troubles faced by this not-so-poor kid. I come from a well-to-do family. When I was still studying in primary school, my parents had no trouble hiring tutors. I had tuition weekday, Swimming and organ lessons on Sat, Mental calculation on Sunday, Calligraphy on Wednesday. I had 20,30 assessment books but I had no friends. Well, I had 2 best friends, David and Timothy. They are brothers. but one day when we were having tuition together, they broke the news saying that they were migrating to Perth. And before I knew, they took off. And I really had no friends. My parents don't see that as a problem. Both of them were working and they seldom have enough time for us. We had maids who cook for us. Ive never tried my mum's cooking simply because I think she doesnt know how to. . I take the school bus, which means I never got to take the public transport alone. Hence, I was a traumatic experience when I had to move on the secondary and had to take the bus on my own. My mum wasn't there, cos my younger just got into primary one.I didn't have much experience buying food, so I bought wanton mee almost every day. I was very protected, and back then, I don't see it as a problem, neither did my parents. I only started buying my first plate of chicken rice during a secondary school class gathering. Those memories are still vivid in my mind, because it wasn't a pleasant experience either. Yes i admit i was spoilt, but i didn't choose to be. It doesn't make sense, to be contributing part of my salary to the household, because it wasn't required. When we go out for a meal and I ask to pay for the bill, My mum would say that im "ridiculous". Am i? I was just trying to do what society deem as the "right" thing to do.
Over time, life gets more and more confusing. The dilemmas that I face becomes more complex with age. There are so many people around me, with differing views. And Im really starting to lose sight of what I want. All my life ive been following rules, and I kept lamenting on the fact that it harder to meet everyone's expectations. I find this constant need to prove myself, and I get very unhappy when i wasnt able to do just that. And I lost that ability to set expectations for myself when I was too obsessed with what others expect of me. What is it that i would feel that is right and best for me? A few days ago, if you offer me the job with only a basic wage of $1k per month, I would take it. But now, after hearing so many opinions, Im hesitating. Why? Some people say I should ask for more. Some say that I shouldn't try to be so greedy and just accept it. Some say i wasn't "job-hungry" enough because if i were, I would feel desperate and find out more from the HR officer who made that phone call that day. Apart from feeling hesitant, I was angry with myself, for being "shallow". For not meeting the expectations, or others.
What is it that I want? Im slowing losing sight of it.
Maybe I need someone to tell me to fuck-care all of them and do I feel is right. That, will make me happy. Truly.
22.1.12
19.1.12
Yet another driver who had threatened to quit had throw my family into a frenzy. Ironically, i do love to see how these mini crisis bring our family together. But as I was enjoying a hilarious play at Raffles hotel, at the back of mind was my mum's sms to me saying that my sis--law was "very very angry feel like crying."
Several times i asked myself if i will reach a point in life where everyday i'd be preoccupied by worries that arises from family and from businesses, like my brother and sis-in-law. And how such worries are detrimental to the quality of life I wish to enjoy. Lately, I've been job-hunting. Again? yes, again. And I admit I'm not as aggressively competitive as i should be. I'm still hesitant about losing that freedom I'm enjoying, yet there is a weak desire telling me to get out of the "comfortable". Weak desire, what an oxymoron. I don't know how better to describe that occasional strong feeling that comes and goes.
I do appreciate naggy friends who gives me reality checks every now and then, because that's what friends are about. They don't just tell you what you wish to hear to give you a short term ego boost. They are like gravity that "nudges" you along and sets you in motion. Sadly, my life have been pretty stagnant lately.
Several times i asked myself if i will reach a point in life where everyday i'd be preoccupied by worries that arises from family and from businesses, like my brother and sis-in-law. And how such worries are detrimental to the quality of life I wish to enjoy. Lately, I've been job-hunting. Again? yes, again. And I admit I'm not as aggressively competitive as i should be. I'm still hesitant about losing that freedom I'm enjoying, yet there is a weak desire telling me to get out of the "comfortable". Weak desire, what an oxymoron. I don't know how better to describe that occasional strong feeling that comes and goes.
I do appreciate naggy friends who gives me reality checks every now and then, because that's what friends are about. They don't just tell you what you wish to hear to give you a short term ego boost. They are like gravity that "nudges" you along and sets you in motion. Sadly, my life have been pretty stagnant lately.
15.1.12
One of the things which I included in my list of new year resolutions was: Meet a friend, once a week. And by "friend" i meant those who were silently drifting away from my life over the years.
In the course of growing up, I learnt a sad fact of life, that friends shouldn't be taken for granted for, because they wouldn't always be there for you. Just like how busy you are with your own life, they will be as busy and preoccupied with their worries, excitement, sorrows in their own lives. Every friendship needs nurturing, if not they will just wilt and die. The other time i came across this article which listed 50 things you shouldn't be doing to yourself. And one of them which left an impression was that you shouldn't waste time on people who doesn't care for you. Probably, that's the easy way out, and also the the right way to treat yourself better. At the age of 26, going 27, you'll realize you don't have the luxury to waste anymore time and you are already starting to have regrets. Your social circle is shrinking and your relationships with your close friends become very volatile.
when 2011 came to a closure, i realized that i had to fight for what i deem dear to me. You can see it as a desperate struggle. It is, in fact. I have this fear that i'll grow old as a lonely old man. And as i observe where my life was heading towards, I guess that wasn't an irrational worry. So with baby steps, i will try to meet up with old friends, with the hope of being able to be part of their lives. Im sure they have different stories to share. With that, i hope to find more meaning in life, and to once again, prove to myself that the world doesn't revolve around me. There are bounds to experience.
I met up with John this evening over a simple dinner. He happens to be only friend from Sec 2 Class 2B whom im still in contact with. Over the years, he has matured alot, from a class joker , to one who places family and religion on the top of his priority list. Recently, every meet up with him is a mini preaching session and there were lots of sharing of his knowledge on currency trading and other finance stuff which were totally foreign to me. Despite that i still enjoy spending time just hanging out.
With that, i really hope to set aside more time for close friends. A little goal i set for myself in the new year.
In the course of growing up, I learnt a sad fact of life, that friends shouldn't be taken for granted for, because they wouldn't always be there for you. Just like how busy you are with your own life, they will be as busy and preoccupied with their worries, excitement, sorrows in their own lives. Every friendship needs nurturing, if not they will just wilt and die. The other time i came across this article which listed 50 things you shouldn't be doing to yourself. And one of them which left an impression was that you shouldn't waste time on people who doesn't care for you. Probably, that's the easy way out, and also the the right way to treat yourself better. At the age of 26, going 27, you'll realize you don't have the luxury to waste anymore time and you are already starting to have regrets. Your social circle is shrinking and your relationships with your close friends become very volatile.
when 2011 came to a closure, i realized that i had to fight for what i deem dear to me. You can see it as a desperate struggle. It is, in fact. I have this fear that i'll grow old as a lonely old man. And as i observe where my life was heading towards, I guess that wasn't an irrational worry. So with baby steps, i will try to meet up with old friends, with the hope of being able to be part of their lives. Im sure they have different stories to share. With that, i hope to find more meaning in life, and to once again, prove to myself that the world doesn't revolve around me. There are bounds to experience.
I met up with John this evening over a simple dinner. He happens to be only friend from Sec 2 Class 2B whom im still in contact with. Over the years, he has matured alot, from a class joker , to one who places family and religion on the top of his priority list. Recently, every meet up with him is a mini preaching session and there were lots of sharing of his knowledge on currency trading and other finance stuff which were totally foreign to me. Despite that i still enjoy spending time just hanging out.
With that, i really hope to set aside more time for close friends. A little goal i set for myself in the new year.
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