2 oz of fear

1/2 teaspoons of doubt

1/4 teaspoons of uncertainty

2 dashes of reluctance

1 twist of anticipation

In a shaker, half-filled with ice cubes, combine the ingredients. Shake well, strain into a cocktail glass, garnish.

i guess i had too much of it.i guess im abit too "drunk". Just hours later, i'd boarding a plane that heads for Thailand. Everyone said that ATEC is tough. Fear still dwells within me despite all the encouragement from my friends. But im still thankful for all those who tried so hard to reach for me. Seriously.

Actually i don't really feel like blogging now. But just want to say to my friends,

Give me a months time, and i'd return as a free man.

time, my old faithful friend. never stops.

Just came back after watching "I Not Stupid 2" with my mother and bro. It brought more tears than laughters. Throughout the movie, i was crying uncontrollably and trying desperately to hide them from my mother. Apparently i wasn't the only crybaby there. Ha, you can actually hear sobs from all corners of the theatre every now and then. they were good tears though.. had a nice cry back there.. If you have enough money for just one movie this year, i strongly recommend you guys to catch this show.. you can marvel at the graphics in King Kong, be impressed by the special effects in Star Wars, be mesmerized by the beauty of a Geisha that Zhang Ziyi portraited. but all these are short lived.. It's nothing compared to a film that strikes a deep chord within you, completely changes the way you look and wish to govern your life.

it's really late but there're some things which i have to say before i go to sleep tonight..i know i've made my blog add known to alot of my friends today and i truely, sincerely, appreciate their concern. but the last thing i want is to make everyone feel awkward when we meet up again. don't let this add on to the list of things i dread. after tonight, i noe im blind to my friends' concerns. Just wanna say Thanks, knowing that you all will always be there.

Guys, i need you all to help me do a small favour. My jc civics tutor entered his boy, Erza, in a photo contest. he's 13.5 mth old now.

this is wat u need to do...
go to this website. Look for Ezra's name and photo, and click on it. It will automatically open your email client. Or just send a blank email to cutestkid@tangerined.com with the word "Ezra '04_bb8" in the subject. each email address is only allowed 1 vote per photo (u can use as many email addresses as you have to send!). Voting is on from 16th January 2006 until 10 February 2006.

He's a really nice guy and he inspired me alot back in my schooling days.. so this is a little sth i wish to do for him:)

We used to be..

one.

Friends used to be pillars of support which hold up my world. But for the last fews weeks, certain changes caused our relationships among us to undergo a pivotal change. These pillars threaten to fall upon me, causing my world to cave in. Sometimes people ask why did i quieten down all of a sudden.. or why did i look so sad.. i wasn't sad.. i just didn't want to make things worse. And i don't take sides especially when i cant judge who's right and who isn't. But one thing i cant be more sure.. that is if no one gives in, no one gains. im sorry if i appear to be whining again,but this thing really affects deeply. i don't wish to encounter anymore conflicts or misunderstandings.. i realli don't.

without the usual gatherings to complain about the mindef medics.. without the usual rantings about our lives... without the the usual complains of backstabbing... without the usual surge of cao keng people coming to report sick.. without the usul screamings of the DXOs.. time seems to slow down to a crawl today.. flowing pass me like a thick fluid..the only thing that accompanied me is the monotonous hum of the fan.. my friends are gone.. some have taken off.. some of them still asleep in the bunk.. some of them.. simply disappeared..i wouldn't be staying for long.. jus a couple of days more... then it's ATEC.. then it's preparation for ord.. afterwhich i would be given my pink ic and a couple of memories to bring with me..

my entire experience in army's like a dream.. no.. it is a dream.. after mar 11, it'll be reduced to mere memories.. to be remembered.. then gradually forgotten.. i've moved from camp to school to camp, department to department.. my life till this very day, does anyone care to learn about it?.. it doesn't matter. it's my little floating world.

army, to me, is more than just chiong sua, sai kang, listening to orders, painting your face black and green, waddling though swamps, cao keng, endless route marches, endles rantings.. my vocation, my appointment, my fate prevents me from just going through the motion.. for it's past two years, it was only through army did i learn about political issues, the power of one's self-centredness, the hidden hypocritical side in all of us, the fragility of friendships, the dilemmas of army's hierarchy system, the importance of passing down a legacy.. in short, reality.. but i've learnt to count my blessings as well.. for the pass 2 yrs i've stumbled through my entire NS life.. and im blessed with friends who rendered assistance..

just a few more days and i'll let nostalgia embrace me and then i'll be free..

" Dear God,

i've witnessed people around me being dragged into emotional turmoils. My friends, one by one, being tied down be burdens, being tormented by the cruelties of life, having to go through all that they don't deserve. i've seen enough, understand more about reality.If that's the reason why you wanted me to see these.. stop, please stop.. i miss their smiles. Genuine smiles. Everyday i see them putting a brave front, always so saturated and ladened with emotions that they are dying to pour out. I see tears behind smiles. Everyday i see them breaking down, haunted by problems that they wouldn't tell. To be frank, i feel utterly helpless. i can't create miracles like you do. im not born with the ability to say words that heal. Tell me what can i do? i understand things happen for a reason so i don't expect the impossible to happen. but i do have a humble request. Tonight, i pray for strength.. strength for those who are suffering, be it in the battle against cancer or in midst of a struggle to hold together a broken family, to be able to brave through their sufferings.. and i pray for more strength.. for my affected friends to be able to be strong.. i wish they know that people are not blind to their sufferings.. Dear God, hear my prayers.

vin"

behind the smiles...

behind the laughter...

there lies a deeper meaning..

do you know what it is?

sometimes when im seen reading the horoscopes from Life papers, people'd ask me things like you believe in this stuff? .. actually im not exactly sure but they're right most of the time.. predicted them right but never helped in anyway.. today's one was right on again.. how can i not believe?

Maybe i should force myself to be more selfish and generate a whole load of crap excuses to get myself excused from all the trainings. Im unsure what's holding me back when some of the people are already doing it, oblivious to their camp mates' sufferings and apparently unaffected by it. Even till now, when im going through the last days of army, im still bounded my morals and integrity, though i understand the fact that they are worth nothing in army context. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I can't turn a blind eye to what people has to say about me. Never was i able to summon the courage to heck care and not give a damn. I can't just walk off knowing that there're still people back in camp who 're still suffering.

Prior to our soc test today, we had to move the bcs stores all the way to the QM storeroom in preparation for ex Crescendo.. so after the test itself we were dragging our aching feet upslope back to camp, only to realise that those excused didn't help to pack or move the remaining ops box to the storeroom. Everyone who stayed only hung around in the med ctr either waiting for senior medic's instructions or waiting for us to come back to complete the chore. Where were their initiatives? I don't know why i couldn't suppress that anger and stop it from showing. Maybe it was because of s4's declaration of yet another soc test this coming sat. it made me even more pissed off when tsai wanted us to help carry the ops boxes from other branches..What were doing this whole time? We didn't even get bathe before we were made to join in for the last parade. Already being combat-fit enough to be the few in bn HQ coy who were expected to clear soc has put us at a disadvantage, their lack of understanding really made us feel that all that we went through wasn't worth it. in simple words, we are damn shag, cut us some slack!! and during the last parade everyone was waiting for God knows what the hell was happening.. i almost snapped. by the time i reach home it was after eight.. missed dinner with my family.. something so simple.. probably the simpest thing i can ever ask for.

how much lower can you possibly bring me down?

".. but you guys are the ones who abandoned us.."

".. nvm la ...always fighting for u al.. in the end i suffer"

it realli crushed me.

"...u al realli bo chap camp to the max.."

".. we wun be coming back. jus say our oc gave us off..."

how do you expect us to remain as friends after we ord?

Live For The Day (Play it!)
by Lindsay Lohan

Verse 1
I've got time,
To watch you spin around in circles
Falling through the cracks inside your mind,
Thats fine,
I've been through the darkest hour
Made it to the other side of you,
I can live without you

Chorus
I live for the day
I live for the night
That you will be desperate
And dyin' inside
I live for the tears
To fall down your face,
I live for the words
You finally say,
I live for the day

Verse 2
You are high,
Thinking you're invincible
So busy building castles in the sky
Your done,
And you dont even know it
But your eyes have started showing
That it's true,trying to live without love

Chorus
I live for the day![2x]
Oh Oh Oh day!
Oh Oh Oh

I can live without you!

Chorus

Oh wanna see you crawlin' [3x]

I live for the day...

i tried to recall every little things that happened in the past three days. Tried to tell the people around me how the past couple of days were hell. Cause it did seem like hell to me. The ordeal. but at the end of the day, ex Stingray 3 only left me with two bruises on my right knee, a swollen toe, a couple of blisters and aching muscles. everyone suffered, one way or another. There's no use comparing who suffer more.

But what i can tell the rest is that i have one last hurdle to overcome. One final battle. It's not about competing with other units. not about how much the unit can achieve. It's more about competing with myself, pushing myself to the limit. after which i'd be able to move on.

two waves in a circle.

i always felt that the metal piece has a beautiful meaning to it..because of that meaning, i asked my brother to let me have it.. it's also because of that meaning, i'd been polishing that metal piece with a silver cloth until i started to feel that it was going to stick with me ..that i'd never find a chance to give it to anyone.. i have another two key chains.. the kind where you can piece them together like a jigsaw puzzle to form the words best friends.. but till now, both pieces are still with me.. starting to tarnish and rust.. these few days i'd been really tired.. not physically.. .. right now there's only a few people left whom i can joke with without feeling that im being forced to do so.. if i knew what i said was going to hurt anyone.. i'd have chosen to stay quiet so as not offend him or her.. because i don't want to risk.. i only hope to break that distance between.. i don't want to see it end with my army days.. don't want to see ord as an end .. it's more of a beginning..

im afraid .. i don't deny that.. i managed to survive through exe Buckspeed only because i didn't know what to expect. I didn't even know that it would be tough. But now i know. I know what to expect..I know what awaits. yesterday night i was watching the rain fall.. it rained the whole day and once in a while i would step out of the med centre,out of the shelter and let the cold tears from heaven fall upon me.. jus that few drops.. and i shivered. then i was wondering, three days later, i'd be walking under this rain for hours.. then i'd be drenched in both rain and sweat.. how am i going to go through all these? .. i don't really like it when it rains.. i dunno.. it brings out a lonely feeling.. the cold would force me to curl into a ball when i sleep..in attempt to conserve that eluding warmth.. and it made me long for.. yearn.. and pray that it'd all be over soon.. the cold'd force me to go back in time.. the cold'd force me to become a child again.. all the attempts to be strong.. all dreams of growing up and facing the world alone.. will be forgotten.. that's when i feel lost and helpless. i don't expect much from myself.. i just don't understand why my life demands so much from me.. it all jus seems to get tougher and tougher... and im just lagging behind.. i cant catch up.. i dont' even know what to say now..

my friends don't understand and acknowledge the hardships i hav to endure in army.. my parents don't know what im going through.. but im aware.. every now and then.. there'd someone somewhere out there who's suffering.. he may not say it out and let the whole world know.. but we should acknowledge what they're going through.. sometimes when we get a taste of abit of hardship and we make a big fuss about it.. we forget that we're not the only ones suffering..
hai .. ya i know im crapping again.. should kind of stop..

Recieved some photos from kl today.. thought i'd share with you guys=)

yup.. im not in this pix.. cos it's taken by me.. skilled huh.. it's at west mall anyway

this one's by zhigao.. he actually went down on his knees to take this one

~friends~

oh, it's at ju-ju.. kl and xy's bday celebration.. tt's the rest of the pple=)

another group foto=)

Our lives are concentrated in so many small trivial things, yet we
turn away from them, always looking in the other direction, for the larger
meaning. How often i cursed those inconsequential things, the wrong key, the
missing scrap of paper, the last match that almost flickers out before it lights
the candle. However, a life of daily pleasures is so insignificant in other
people's eyes that it scarcely reflects the pervasive happiness it brings. Yet
those little things make all the difference.

- amonymous

Looking back at the last entry, realised that i haven't been blogging for quite some time. Didn't even include one to wish my so-few readers a happy new year. Unforgiveable. So here i am, officially wishing you guys a meaningful and adventurous year ahead. What i feel is that we're all at least twenty now.. wel most of us.. If there was anything crazy that you thought of doing while you were still enjoying your teenage years, this is the time you guys should turn those crazy thoughts into reality. Any crazy things you wish to try, any crazy decisions you wish to make, this would be the time. ha, because finally, we are ,wel i wouldn't say old, but matured enough to handle such decisions. but im still holding back i guess, till i ord, till i retrieve back the freedom that belongs to me.

Well, after embracing the new year, guess i'd be appropriate tocome up with a new year resolution. Come to think of it, i haven't really worked one out since... ever. So as we bid farewell to our beloved 2005, i guess i should give it a shot. So here goes nothing.

New Year's Resolution for 2006

1. grow up and stop ranting about how everything in life wasn't good enough for me.
2. learn to handle things in a matured manner.
3. take up scuba diving classes (this 'll hav to wait i guess)
4. brush up on my guitar playing before uni admission.
5. polish up my electone playing.
6. keep fit until at least the school starts.
7. try and get involved in some charity work.
8. put self before others whenever necessary.
9. read up more on BioE b4 by schoolterm starts.
10. kill the habit of wasting life away to long afternoon naps
11. go healthy
12. communitcate more with family
13. learn korean

Glimpses of the last day of 2005..

ha.. smelly feet attack!