sorry if i cant be the friend you want .
i did whatever shit there was to be done .
you don't even know where the hell i stand
in your group of countless so-called friends .
when you 're feeling low you needed jus anybody .
i guess i was just that "anybody" .

his dampened spirit was contagious..these few days he had been really unhappy due to his grandma's deteriorating condition.. she had been battling illness for quite some time and yesterday... all her suffering was put to an end.. after booking out today, i went to the wake with some of my friends to see how he was doing... im afraid.. knowing that everyone has to face the overwhelming sense of grief of losing their loved ones to death some day... i was wondering if i were him .. would i be able to brave through it all?

i embraced heaven.. and i embraced earth.. today.. time ceased to exist.. ha, maybi it's because i didn't bother to wear a watch.. fro and i spent the entire day basking under the sun on the beach at sentosa.. it was the perfect way to destress i suppose.. soft fine sand.. soothing sound of the clashing waves.. warm sunshine.. it's like nothing else mattered anymore.. what more can i ask for? lying on the beach feels like lying on the interface between heaven and earth...there you are, back against solid ground, miraculously feeling like you are drifting..the waves beckons you to enter a carefree state of slumber...

we did abit of exploring as well.. i was impress by the rapid development of the area, though it seems to be forever under construction.. Siloso beach had under gone an extreme makeover.. evolved from a quiet little beach to one bustling with activities at every corner.. saw the sentosa luge.. made a visit to the all-familiar merlion walk..

i suppose this is one or those days whereby you really get to push all your troubles aside and enjoy yourself without any worries.. ... i guess i just enjoy the freedom of exploring the island.. isn't this a mirror that reflects what life is about?.. always searching the paths that leads to your destination resembles the way we're always seeking for answers to questions in life..but everything is planned and decided by you.. ( pardon me if it all sounds abit crappy..)

(gee, kind of over-roasted ourselves)

friendly people.. unfriendly me.. ha, that has always been the case..i went to fro's hse today together with chan and koh.. we were welcomed by their parents who prepared alot of food for us and were realli hospitable.. and as usual i'd shun for making direct eye contact with them..... hm.. it feels abit weird to drop by someone's house just for their food cause , ha, apparently that seems to be the reason why i was there (abit ashamed to say that).. the food was great anyway.. beats the charred one my ma produced when she decided to cook dinner for once.. he had a cute bro who's always running about in the house...had some great photos taken to add on to my album...

. give me a moment .

. to clear my mind .

. shrouded in mist .

. a path i must find .

blog entry 17.08.06

lkufn/lh/swgn/lh/slii/rzbq/ywgu/zjf/anni

my tears tell an untold story of a lost soul.. music, blasting into my ears.. not enough to affect the sphere of serenity that encloses the dying heart of mine.. but over time, my peaceful little world is shrinking.. darkness surrounds me.. it's depriving me the energy to fight back.. im withering.. sustaining on just one last breath..

freedom.. something that we have always craved for.. now that we finally have assess to it .. i find it so hard to grasp.. am i the only one who feel that way? suddenly we were asked to clear our leaves and offs in one shot.. suddenly i feel so insecure.. suddenly i feel so.. so lost..regime, routine, discipline..all these help to enforce my life in camp... they help to keep it secured.. but now it seems that everything is falling apart.. i guess im just not used to the absence of so many people... and they don't seem to be bothered by it.. why? sure they have a life outside... but is that all that they care about? this bunk is supposed to be the second home for twelve initially closely-bonded medics.. tonight.. it's a quiet home for one.. how many more lonely nights will i have to spend before i ord and finally give up on what i thought i was able to retrieve..

you blamed me for not being there .
now you're the one who just didn't care .
..im so confused..

to her,

memories * aren't they like snowflakes in korea? * descended all the way from heaven * then gracefully they disappear * together with my memory * you are slowly fading away * gradually disappearing * in a graceful way * your yesterday will fade away * together i'll fade away as well * in a way * you can never tell

to friend.

some words in this world

are so hard to say

nevertheless expected of me

at the end of the day

at the end of the day

i made two mistakes

putting friendship on a test

putting it at stake

first was that

i did something wrong

second being

i didn't know what was going on

forgiveness i ask for

tho i don't deserve

but sincerity is something

i still preserve

understanding i ask for

when i couldn't b there

but that was never because

i just didn't care

if i ever said something

that might hurt you

you should know me well enough

that i didn't mean to

at the end of the day

thanks for understanding me

no others words that i must say

other than..

im sorry

what am i to do?

who can i turn to?

i thought my heart was dead.. till tonight.. i realised that i could still feel the pain. i still hate you guys for making decisions for me and claiming what's best for me.. i still hate you all for not understanding.. i still hate you for abandoning me when you left for the spec course and dumping everything to me.. i still hate you for saying things which i wished you've never said behind my back.. and to think i could still give our working relationship a second chance.. i was so naive..

tonight, you said you wished to hand over store to me... i could have shouted at you.. but i had to summon jus that little strength left in me to restrain that urge...i don't wish to do this.. really, i don't wish to look forward to ord because i wish to leave this screwed-up place.. i wish to ord knowing that i achieved something not everyone was able to achieve.. knowing that i did a good enough job to keep a dept in order... but i can no longer harbour that thought because i just don't know how much longer i can hang on...

if there's a limit to one's tolerance, please let me see that limit.. cause it seems to go on forever... there's no end to it.. i really want to let go .. start clearing my offs and leaves, but my conscience stops me from doing so.. you know how depressing it is to know that you can't choose the easier way out...

now going through my head is tatu's song "friend or foe". are you my friend? or are you my foe?.. or are you both?..sorry if im being selfishcause i know it's really hard for you as well.. but you dragged me into this.. walk out on me and i'll hate you forever..

off the lights~ close your eyes ~
and the world wouldn't be able to see you cry~

001 . 364
002 . 363
003 . 362

counting days from the day im born .
counting days to the day im gone .

060 . 305

061 . 304

062 . 303

the future's so hard to foresee .

is that why i live in the past of me .

144 . 221

145 . 220

146 . 219

if given a chance to live a second time .

would everything be alright, would all be fine .

255 . 110

256 . 109

257 . 108

from my memory i learnt about fate .

building strength to face the days ahead .

319 . 046

320 . 045

321 . 044

everything i wanted, you gave me before .

what right do i have to ask for more?

from the cradle, the path i pave .

heading nowhere, but my grave .

cried my lungs out the day i was born .

earning the smile back for the day im gone .

had some sort of discussion with two of my friends just now.. i thought i'd feel better after sharing some of my problems .. but i find myself sprewing uncontrollably.. this isn't me.. it wasn't going anywhere. i thought i might have complicated things further.. not the same mistake please..

listen. . .do not say a word.. .
cos' everyone's hurt.. .
let the past sink slowly..
to the bottom of the sea.. .

listen.. or you'l never hear the breeze.. .
everyone knows tt we can't go on like this.. .
go ahead and shout out your problems..
only to block out silent confessions.. .

listen.. . do not say a word.. .
cos' everyone's hurt.. .

surrender.. surrender now.. you know you cant take it any more.. .. . .

. .. .. you said i was strong.. you said they were wrong.. what do you actually take me for?

how far can you go.. ask yourself.. jus how far.. can you go?.. .. . .

. . ..i don't know.. im so tired.. ever going against the flow.

then let it go.. . just let it go.. don't tire yourself anymore.. .. . .

. ..but it's wrong .. you know it's wrong..im so tired. i cant distinguish anymore.

i was born to be different.. i knew i was different.. but why.. me?

sometimes it's.. .

. .. . .don't remind me..

. .. not meant to be.. .

. . . .. .dreams that i couldn't see..

you ain't strong and that ain't wrong..

no longer can you tell them to bring it on..

they're everywhere.. it's suffocating.. . .

should i finally surrender.. to my deepest.. deepest sin..

God please forgive me.. if i ain't strong..

i know if i finally give up.. i am gone..

please give me a moment.. to think things through..

God please give me a moment.. to be with you.. . .

two days ago i was born .

two days later i was gone .

please save me from my past .

please let me let you go .

i caught the movie,"Just Like Heaven" with my usual clique.. it was a really touching movie.. it brought abit of tears to eyes between al the the bursts of laughters.. after that we had dinner at the sakae sushi at marina.. wel they chose tt place out of pity when i mentioned that i had oni eaten there once in my entire life.. man, i should have said marche.. ha , jus kiddin'.. there was loads of sushi, then there sashimi, tempura bento, some toufu-like thing... all amounted to a hundred and nine bucks!.. oh they gave me a bday card which they made themselves.. with a pix which they felt cute and i dun-realli-tink-it's .. um cute.... (wel, u might be able to catch a glimpse of it in my album).. ha.. after that we went to the esplanade.. the rooftop garden to be exact..the view's breath taking.. but too many couples and it was a realli hot night.. after which we crossed the bridge and took several photoswith the merlion.. ha some of us felt like tourists then.... then we sat on the floor and had abit of chat beside the clashing waves.. it felt comfortable...wel i always wanted to go to the beach.. but this wasn't too bad.. there're waves and nice ambience.. we felt like we were at the beach, more or less, in jeans and everything..but one of my clique mate wasn't with us that night.. i wonder how he's been.. anyway, they gave me a pair of jeans and a black-coloured punkish t-shirt.. joked that i should i change on the spot.. which i din of course.. aftre everything it felt like we had a long day.. i was beat... on my way back i was listening to "i need some sleep" from shrek 2.. ha, ya the song says it .. i need some sleep...

a link to the photos:
http://www.dotphoto.com/Go.asp?l=vincent1111&P=10F6&AID=3017651&T=1

~the big day~

met up with kl and khoonz at nus after their lecture.. it was the start of their study break i think.. had a nice chat at the engineers' canteen which was awfully quiet.. tried out her uncle's jap food.. took photos using her cam phone...had some realli nice photos taken.. it's really nice, i felt happy and comfortable then.. it's good to know we were closer as friends again.. not so much of awkward feelings anymore.. guess that's the way it is and i should leave it the way it is.. oh she gave me a cookie with a smiley face and from khoonz, a minature truck? ha, he's a weird guy anyway.. so full of interesting ideas.. haven't been in touch with him for quite some time already..

i spent the rest of my day with fro and kelv.. yup i was greeted with e bad news that fro's hp was stolen... i understand that feeling, knowing who's the culprit but wasn't able to find sufficient evidence to prove it.. ha sorry bro, i think im the jinx xp.. had walk ard ps before heading for expo.. then there was food,food and more food.. i think i ate alot for today.. next we went to Changi.. memories of the day we depart s'pore for brunei came flashing back.. ha im sorry if i sound abit disoriented now, cos ive been blogging for more than an hr now, and i feel really groggy)
ha think i should stop for now.. add in the details some other time..

got a realli cute ecard from an ex-classmate.. thot i'd share it w u guys.. check it out:
http://www.hallmark.com/ECardWeb/ECV.jsp?a=3943871553745M67628815Y

to me, gift-giving is actually a test... whether u fare well depends on how wel you know the person.. i must say some of my friends scored petty well today..

i recieved alot of bday gifts today.. first of all, four of 'em from fro, f'rus, azri n chandra... here was a beige-coloured bag, a hp pouch with mickey mouse prints, and a poster (e inspiratioanal kind).. what touched me was that each gift was given to me for a reason.. my previous bag was torn and i had to mend the "wound" myself, apparently now that ive got a new one.. heck care bout the torn one.. it was a simple bag which i like.. cos i go for simplicity nowadays...score. the pouch was to replace my old one, which the bore the smell (i mean essence) of all the things im gg tru in camp.. it was grey black and white.. it din occur me as sth cute, i thot it was quite stylist actually.. score..somehow,with that thing sticking out of my pocket, i always felt that it looked like part of my boxer showing (-_-"') m i even making sense, i dun understand why i felt that way actually.. ANYWAY, the poster.. the background resembles the creepy stairway in the korean horror film , " Magic Stairs".. but the words are meaningful.. the gist: things go wrong and they're inevitable.. rest if necessary but never quit..success originates from failure although it's not always obvious.. so it's important ever to give up.. aw.. that's sweet.. ha, i'll think twice whenever i feel suicidal.. score.. last but not least, it's my favourite: the book.. it's so cool.. it's got bday wishes from almost everyone in the med ctr.. including the mindef side.. dxo and everything.. it's interesting in the sense that the thing they write realli shows the character and personality of each n everyone of them.. and i realli appreciate the efort put in.. wow ..i din even see the preparation going on.. so swt tks guys..

tonight i had dinner with cheah, chew,kenneth and george at cafe cartel at cine..on our way there i could see cheah was abit preoccupied.. he'd never tell me what was wrong if i ask him straight in the face so i let him be.. guess it's al the stress.. he'd talk to me if he needs to.. he give me a gift, some sort of wire craft.. it's realli unique.. it's some black wires twisted into a shape of a guitar.. and ya it had my name on it.. it came with a card alright.. a "merr xmas and a hapi new year card".. ha we had a great laugh bout that.. after that he left and i went with the rest for a ktv session.. al the while they're trying to fool me into believing tat they got a female escort for me.. china girl, fair-skinned with a sweet voice, 120 bucks a night.. we sang till it was ard one plus.. had a bit a countdown thingy before midnight.. by the time i got home it was ard two in the morn...

happi bday vin...

just now i recieved a msg from qj telling me that the condition of lionel's grandma had deteriorated.. and that he wouldnt' be joining us this sat..i din bother to ask why do i always get to know through my other friends and not directly from him.. it always bothered me that he'd never look me up whenever he had problems.. but no, im not going to bring tat up.. it wasn't a good time. if b'day wishes do come true.. i wish that his grandma gets better.. and i wish him strength to fight the battle with her..

today we recieved an email from CO.. a warning letter actually .. apparently he wasn't at all pleased regarding snr med's absence without reason..

though snr med has been absent and was uncontactable for quite some time, i felt really sorry for him when everyone started to view him as an irresponsible leader.. im truly willing to view this from a different perspective.. his defiant behaviour only started to show after we came back from our overseas training.. before and during that exercise, he worked so hard to keep things in order.. how can anyone not see that?.. the CO doesn't know about this.. his job scope doesn't cover the operation of the medical centre.. i think it's really unfair to our snr med when he said that snr med wasn't committed enough... he has done so much and i could see he was stressed out.. paces two migration, iqa, paces two audit, post-ndp actions, preparation for lancer, dealing with the inspection from the hq side, mo hading over etc etc etc... so many things were going then.. and he had to handle them himself.. uncommitted? i don't think so..

and yet im surprised some of our guys still insist that he's a screwed-up guy.. can't they be more understanding.. i mean who are we to judge him when we don't even know what's truly going on and what he's going through? what right do we have to set such high expectations for him? how can they have the heart to critisize someone when seeing him break down under stress?

at this point in time, i can forget the times when he's unreasonable or when he tries to escape from chores, choosing the easier way out.. he's just a human.. and it's only human for us not to make matters worse..

for once i thought we'd be rewarded for finally coming together to strive towards a common goal.. but i should have known things are not going to work out the way i wished it would .. something told me it wasn't going to happen.. and guess what? it didn't alright..

we had our Defense shoot today... didn't fare very well for the day shoot, but there's still a glimpse of hope that we might still be able to achieve marksman if we score for the one at night... a ray of hope.. the first set of results for the one at night was void due to system error.. we were one shot away from our goal anyway.. we were given a second chance to shoot again.. but i totally totally scewed that up.. five misses.. how in the world did i do that? five misses... i cant help but to push all the blame to myself... the more the others didn't point at me and yell, " it's all your fault!" , the more terrible i felt..

after the night shoot, we were asked to play the role as assistants for the last detail.. the chamber was dark.. and no one did see the tears that welled up in my eyes.. my voice almost broke when i told the rest about the blunder i made.. it's really tough to be the bearer of bad news, telling the rest that you just screwed his chance of achieving marksman..

that night i told luk, "know wat? you should have saved a round and sent it straight through my head.."

k i guess i should quit whining.. no big deal.. fro's right.. is that how a 20-yr-old should behave?

ha..chick-in-black.. can it be any cuter?

"Sky High" was a realli fun movie .. caught the show today with kelv and fro... guess that was the highlight for today.. despite the simple plot, i'd still rate the movie above average.. cos of the combination of the interesting characters and their lame jokes.. i had a good laugh today.. i dunno.. what i like about this kind of stories is that there'll be a point in time where the apparent losers will join forces and show a terrific display of teamwork to defeat their arrogant opponents.. and when that happens i'll go "wow".. i simply love that idea ..ha after the movie we were still discussing about the kind of super powers we thought was the coolest.. i know it sounds rather childish but i always thought it'll be simply awesome if one could manipulate water and ice.. jus imagine.. the ability to control.. making a gobule float in mid air jus inches away from your palm.. you see ur rival just a distance away.. a simple wave of your hand and -swoosh- the gobule disappears and strikes ur rival in the chest with such impact that it knocks him off his feet.. wow.. k i know im letting my imagination run wild again...though the idea is not an original one but i never fails to facinate me..

after the movie and dinner... i went for my driving lesson.. it was yet another dreadful experience.. it'd be a miracle if the instructor decides to praise just for once.. k NOT including sarcastic comments.. he siad i'd fail with my current standard of driving for lik-i dunno- more than ten times.. wel that's a record.. don't wish to talk much abot it anyway..

after the lesson i went to the arcade at wm.. thought i'd go there for a game of time crisis, which i didn't, eventually.. a part of me thought i'd bump into cheah there... silly... just because i bumped into him once there... once at popular.. once at the ground floor.. doesnt mean i'd happen again today.. i dunno.. i just wish we could sit down and talk.. not about our problems but rather share with each other bits and pieces of our personal life once again.. i stil remember when we use to have heart to heart conversations in the day care room.. and every now and then there'l be nosy people who'd come in and join us.. of course by then we'll stop or try and switch topic..ha and once, after they left, cheah joked," they are realli annoyin huh.." .. i just laughed.. ya those were the times..