Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
I once was lost but now I’m found
It didn’t exactly work that way
I just walked off from you thinking I’d be okay
I took a cab at first and caught a train from the airport
A few flights later it was smoke first and then snort
I guess I thought about you from time to time
But you must’ve never let me slip your mind
Because I should’ve been dead twice that I can remember
There was that overdose and that suicide attempt in December
People flocked to be near me thinking my life was charmed
They didn’t know about my past life cradled safe in your arms
back when naïve didn’t seem to me to be such an insult
when I was still that kid who lived much more like an adult
when family came first and I looked forward to praying
but life wasn’t easy. That’s not what Im saying
It’s just that I wasn’t solo when I held to your hand
You had my back, my front, and both sides, helping me stand
But it’s hard to overlook the years I went it alone
I guess that’s why the night I hit my knees I felt like I had come home
And I know things are sorta tense now cause I haven’t forgiven me
Thought I know you did and I thank you for mercy
But if you don’t mind I need to be mad at myself a bit longer
And I hope that in the end it makes our bond that much stronger
Cause in my heart I know I missed out on a lot of good years
And I regret my mistakes but you deserve more than tears
So until I figure out a way to make up for lost time
I gotta be mad at me and sad with me til I run out of rhymes
I gotta yell from high mountains. I gotta scream til it burns
I want to track down all those young girls and take back all of the hurt
I want to stitch up busted faces and mend bones that I broke
I want to wipe out all the death I fed and replace it with hope
I don’t just want to be forgiven and then try to forget
I want to make amends and earn back friends, make the dead live
I feel the need to replace what I devoured in youth
I want to set the lies straight and speak only the truth
I want my memories to end with me and not touch others
I want to give my condolences to those grieving mothers
They can slap me and kick me til exhaustion slips in
I’ll wait quietly while they rest and go at it again
and if all that could happen I know the past wouldn’t change
but it’s less than I deserve for ever walking away
-TedPikul, deviant

this was the first poem i read while browsing through the entries from deviantART.. i don't know why i feel like im on the same frequency as the artist.. i felt what he felt.. just one difference.. he know so well where he's heading.. and im still so lost.. still unfound.. feeling so light-headed now after waking up from hours of sleep.. i thought i'd be more sure of myself after abit of rest.. but the more i sleep, the more i crave for more.. i don't know how it happens but it just do.. today i lead my life as a total trash .. feeling so drunk when i din even drink.. never touching drugs and yet feeling the listlessness and lethargy of a drug addict.. there are times in my life.. i chose the wrong path.. not treating my life like one that should be cherished.. and then i fall .. and i rant.. not really caring if there's anyone out there who cares.. sometimes i stare into the sky... my eyes questions the One up there that overlooks whatever little things that are happening on this world ... my heart feel so ever abandoned... these are the times that bring me down.. these are the times i can't forgive myself.. "..I need to be mad at myself a bit longer .."

for those who are reading this

i know that you care

today is jus another day

that i wasn't there

even as im writing

the rain starts to fall

i thank God of understanding

thank you for accepting my flaws

i'll be fine =)

Decided to spend abit of quality time with my parents today.. hmm not exactly quality time, as i was just tagging along on their business trip to jb. There are times when i wonder, how was pa able talk through the phone, drive and talk to my ma simultaneously. My parents are workaholics. Alot of people say that we lead a good life. But to me, i guess it comes with a price. They are always working, busy with their businessstuff and im always busy with other commitments of my own. Seldom do we hve the chance to really sit down and , wel, chill .. together. Even now as im writing (im on the car right now anyway.. heading towards the causeway), They never stopped discussing about business. well.. they did actually, every now and then, they would talk to us when thay realise bro and i are still around. but i guess it wasn't a bad thing that they are always so busy. I don't really think they realise that age is catching up with them when their mind are preoccupied with work.. sometimes i just hope it wasn't too hard on them.

Today, i entered timeless zone again. made a trip once more to Sentosa but now not just with fro, but with kelv and chew as well. beach, waters.. just short of the sun. The sky was way more overcasted than it was the last time i came. Had a swim despite that. I can barely remember the last time i actually swam in the sea. If im not mistaken, probably when i was still a pri sch kid, under the accompaniment of my parents. After that chew left and the three of us made our way to the musical fountain. By then we could already see the towering heavily laden dark clouds marching in from the distant but we decided to stay anyway. then we watched the musical fountain display...in the heavy rain. Minus the characters, i think it was an impressive display of dancing waters, lazer and lighting effects. At the end of the day, we were totally drenched.. oh well.. that wasn't something we would get everday so it was, well, a fun experience i guess.. our next stop was ps.. walked around abit.. chilled at the macs abit before we go around snapping photos like nobody's business..

There should be room for imagination to give chance for possibilities.. That was what i learnt from the movie The Chronicles of Narnia. Together with fro, az, chan and cheah, i watched it at cine this morning. Apparently, the story fasinated me more than it did to the rest.

I remembered when i was young, i'd find it really hard to leave the seat after every movie ends. Maybe it's because i was too engrossed in the movies, so when the stories finally ended, i felt like i was still trapped within the story. My mind would be saturated with various scenes from the film. Today, i had this deja vu feeling. For some reason, i think that this show has taken fairy tales to a higher level. It's like fantasy having a close brush with reality. ha, im not even sure if im talking sense here.

After that, i went for another of my jc gatherings in the evening. Majority of the people managed to come, but ironically, guess it wasn't a good thing We had a steamboat dinner at marina south. Four steamboat sets equally separated on a long table. The place was like a buring inferno. gee.. it was really hot and stuffy.. and there were so many people one has to shout across the table to be heard. There wasn't much of a chance to catch up one another. Some of us even decided to hang around the air-conditioned bowling alley to avoid all the smoke and crowd.

After that we adjourned to the coffee club at marina south to chat over drinks. it was on kelvin's tab (the other kelvin that is) as he failed to guess the colour of weng's shirt correctly when he arrived late. I cant help but realise that the class as a whole was segregated into small groups, engaged in their own private conversations. one of my friend even forgot the name of my other classmates because some of us haven't seem each other for quite some time. It's a strange feeling, really.

so much that we wanted a gathering to get everyone to get together only to realise how far we have drifted apart..

i had a wonderful wonderful night.. met up with my sec sch friends.. had pizza for dinner... chatted the night away...bumped into sok ching.. she changed so much... looked so demure now... apparently... at least i don't see her cursing and "suaning" people now.. after which we played the air hockey at e-zone.. i can't remember the last time seeing the girls looking so thrilled... guess we behaved more kids than 20-year old adults.. screaming, jumping, crazily trying to reach for the discs... that couple of minutes made me feel so alive.. then we had a drink at the coffee bean.. met some more commonwealthians... zhi gao (looking more matured than he already was), changqing (lost his trade mark 'mac donalds' fringe) and zhi cao (adopted a hip look)... oh ya had our gift exchange.. finally we have it this year.. though i din get my gift 'cause my friend forgot to bring it.. it was ok.. i gave mine away... gave out the jars of candies.. could really see that they were happy.. tonight i recieved more than what i could ever ask for..

*merry xmas*

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!

i made it sound so beautiful to the rest of the world
because it seemed so beautiful to me.
let it settle as a flawless memory
not a burden anyone has to carry.

every piece of falling leaf is an untold story
mine is just a falling leaf
if it wasn't meant to be
why not just let it go and set it free

ive no idea why the repeated announcements in the mrt station really annoyed me.. im dying to scream my lungs out.. but i cant... it remained stuck in my throat..constantly ramming my fist on the metal railings... i've no idea why i was feeling so vexed.. so sick and so tired.. waited for what seems like eternity for an over-crowded bus which didn't stop.. so uncomfortable.. i had to unwind .. release... vent it all out... whatever you call it... i muttered vulgarities under my breath.. wasn't satisfying.. wasn't enough... bumped into sok just now.. it took me a couple of minutes to register who he is... i felt like a walking corpse... there was a moment of awkward silence.. hm.. but i didn't care... hours ago i showed attitude to my sec sch friends.. in my heart i blamed them for not bothering to inform me when they changed the venue.. made me run all round the place only to find that we were about an hour early.. my friend asked me why i was so pissed off. i forced a smile.. denied that i was angry.. over and over again.. those who know me well will know that constant denial is a sign that im freakin pissed off but im just trying to be nice.. .. the birthday card i made for them now still lies in someone's locker in camp.. i wasn't at all excited for them.. doesn't matter anymore.. at the taxi stand i waited and waited with no signs of any cab coming.. i squatted down, in my heart i was crying, please just let me go home..no idea why. so sick and tired..


im a petal
from a dying flower

im a lost soul
among the rising towers

countless people
strangers here and there

what difference does it make
if one disappear into thin air

~ that's haohan, caiting n me ~

~my sec sch clique.. swt ay? we seldom have one where evryone's present~

"never doubt myfeelings for you .. it's an insult to me.. i may not make it obvious for the whole world to see.. cos i don't worship you.. i treat you more than a friend .. yet less than how one would treat his other half... what's that grey region called?.. idon't know.. but im kind of feeling at ease dwelling in that grey region now... are you a friend? or are you more than that?.. somehow i find it increasingly meaningless to ask such questions over time.. maybi to you , what i did wasn't enough.. but to me.. i have already exceeded what i could offer.... sometimes i even considered my actions to be reckless... in the past, the jealousy i felt confirmed my feelings.. but that jealousy started to tone down over time.. .. and now, im not too sure about my feelings anymore... i always come up with a different reason for every gift that i give to you.. but do you know?...there is in fact only one single reason..actually i have no idea why i penned these unspoken words down.. guess i'd never have the courage to tell you .. better to type them down before they are totally forgotten..."

i... feel... like... santa tonight. like... santa tonight.

rekindled hatred.. slowly burning

yeah yeah it's all my fault.. my fault!
why don't i have the right to wash my hands off anything....

Deliver us ~ from Prince of Egypt

With the sting of the whip on my shoulder
With the salt of my sweat on my brow
Elohim, God on high
Can you hear your people cry
Help us now
This dark hour...

Deliver us
Hear our call
Deliver us
Lord of all
Remember us, here in this burning sand
Deliver us
There's a land you promised us
Deliver us to the promised land...

temptation..

it's like a blind man
wanting to see beyond darkness
it's like the craving for a drop of water
when you're dying of thirst

it's like the urge to rip off you clothes
when you're drenched in sweat
no.. it's not
it's more than that

it's like screaming for rain
when you world is in flames
it's like craving to end your life
when your heart writhes in pain

it's like pleading for abit of love
when hate is all you can get
no.. it isn't
it's way more than that

it's like the urge to pounce on the woman you want
like a savage beast
yet held back by a thin thread of sanity
just a thin thread to prevent this

it's the urge to commit sins
afterwhich forgiveness you beg
a devil dwelling within us
no.. it's much more than that

caught the JC Band Festival 2005 at the Esplanade two days ago.. i wouldn't say that i was impressed by the entire concert.. hm.. maybi it's because the first band didn't perform as well as i expected.. hence the first impression created wasn't a good one..

they named the concert "Bandfusion!".. quite ironically, the band did not display enough cohesion to bring out the "fusion" part... i guess the members of the individaual section failed to play in unison in attempt to produce only one sound.. some of them even played out of tune.. it was made even obvious in the concert hall, built to enhance and amplify the sound of the band.. a well tuned chord can actually let the audience feel lifted off their seats ... sometimes crate the "goosebumps" effect.. somehow i didn't feel it.. furthermore, the conducters were all the while trying to get the band's attention whose eyes were glued to their scores...

i could vividly recall my conductor saying the the sound of the entire band sound be enclosed within an "umbrella" of sound to keep it balanced... normally, when better players from various bands come together to play, they tend to "blast" their instruments to make themselves heard.. thus breaking that "umbrella" of sound.. this is what actually happen to the first band..

ha sorry, verbal diarrhoea.. guess i said so much only because i miss the sec sch days as a band member.. there was one period, band was the sole reason why i came to school ...

the subsequent bands performed significantly better.. some of my favourite pieces were "Hunch Back of Notre Dame" and "Howl's moving Castle"... guess i might consider joining the band again in uni to relive that good old times once again..

seeking light in starless sky .

my hopes fly like dandelions fly .

fairy tales i wish to find .

but my love cant wait till the end of time .

saw a bubble drifting in mid air in the middle of the road this afternoon.. weaving in and out of the heavy traffic..

right now i am that bubble.. vulnerable..
any moment now i might break

don't expect too much from me .
i know i cant please everyone around me .
i don't feel obliged to make my intentions clear .
but after knowing me for so long .
i thought you knew .

i guess i wore that fake smile for the entire day to mask how terrible i felt inside.. i've sent countless sms-es to every single person in attempt to coordinate the whole thing.. as usual they would take forever to reply.. some of them didn;t even have the courtersy to do that...flipped the papers so many times to find a suitable time slot.. taking into consideration that some of them had other commitments... taking our budget into account .. even deciding which movie to watch was a headache.. one-man show all the way and yet i felt obliged to do what i thought i should do..

was it worth it?

all the while fighting the little voice in my head who questions the rationale of things i was doing.. what makes you think the burden should fall on your shoulders? why aren't they doing anything? they wouldn't recognise the effort put in.. you know it.. then why? i dunno.. maybi.. all this while i'm just doing more then what was expected of me so that i can convince myself that i still play a role in their lives.. but the more i do that, the more i realise.. it doesn't work this way...

was it worth it?

the rude cashier working at the secrets recipe made me mutter vulgarities in front of my friends.. one of my friends left the cards i made for the bday gals in the bunk.. last minute one of my friends messaged me to tell me that she din't feel like watching the movie... hey, if you don't feel like joining us.. make it a point to inform me beforehand ..that would be really nice.in the end it didn't turn out as well as i expected.

was it worth it?

damn cute .. check it out:
http://www.jeffiscool.com/numanuma.html

...why did you try to remind me of the past that you wanted me to forget.. what are you trying to tell me?...

another of my master piece.. xy's bday card...added a finishing touch this morning.

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finally completed kl's b day card yesterday night.. every time i did that i would ask myself if it's worth it.. every card takes me hours, days and even weeks.. when will it be the last?


there's only some much that i can do as a friend.

枫

乌云在我们心里搁下一块阴影
我聆听沉寂已久的心情
清晰透明 就像美丽的风景
总在回忆里才看得清

被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我
我用力牵起没温度的双手
过往温柔 已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过

缓缓飘落的枫叶像思念
我点燃烛火温暖岁末的秋天
极光掠夺天边 北风掠过想你的容颜
我把爱烧成了落叶 却换不回熟悉的那张脸

缓缓飘落的枫叶像思念
为何挽回要赶在冬天来之前
爱你穿越时间 两行来自秋末的眼泪
让爱渗透了地面 我要的只是你在我身边

在山腰间飘逸的红雨
随着北风凋零
我轻轻摇曳风铃
想 唤醒被遗忘的爱情
雪花已铺满了地
深怕窗外枫叶已结成冰
sung by: Jay chou

roughly translated:

maple

the dark clouds casted a shadow over our hearts
i tried to listen to my feelings which has been silent for a long time
clear, like a picturesque scenery
it is only clear in memories

can a broken heart continue to love me as always
i try to hold the cold hands of yours
the warmth in the past.. was locked by time
only sorrow is left behind

my longing to see you again is like the falling maple leaves
i lit a candle to warm up the last days of autumn
the last light filled the sky, the wind stole away the urge to see you again
love is burnt into fallen leaves but still i wasn't able to retrieve that memory

my longing to see you again is like the falling maple leaves
why do i have to retrieve that memory back before winter arrives
our love had travelled through time..
let the love seep into the ground
all i ever wished for is for you to be by my side

the rain among the mountain ranges
blown by the last of the wind from the north
i sounded the wind chime lightly
hoping to rouse the forgotten love from sleep
the ground is already covered by snow
im afraid the maple leaves have already frozen