losing my exclusivity.

I . want . out .

Tonight i just sat down and started clicking on links to peoples' blogs. Funny how the then-IN thing sort of just died away. While finding most blogs are idle or dead, i am quite surprised to find some of my friends still updating their blogs, although they've all some what became their private dairies, not meant to be read by the public, every entry speaking of their troubles and misery. And it struck me, how subconsciously i was backing out and isolating myself. Too obsessed with my own pseudo problems that i never did care about how my friends are doing. I just feel.. that im not ready. For my friends, for the world. I stopped talking, to the girls at my workplace ( i don't even call them "colleagues" because, to me, this isn't a real job), i stopped talking to my parents, my family.. I was waiting, for that change, that may never come. Lately, It feels like time is never enough, even though im very free. I would shut myself in my room, and let that emptiness consume me. I want something different. I know im waiting. I just don't know what im waiting for. I just want out. I want to just sit by the beach, and cry my heart out. even though i know that nothing would change.

Feeling more and more distant from you...

I think I lost sight of that something that makes me different from the rest ..

gloomy as the weather.

i agree with the one who commented that "the last 2 mins was just out of this world." It is one of the more challenging pieces we tried to conquer in Attacca II. The concert band version of course. Haha, we were urm conquered instead. Abit ironic cos for the original piece, that one organist has to play the parts of many musicians, but for the concert band arrangement, the many musicians try to play as one.

Attacca II has given me a chance to understand myself a little more? For this concert, Jama was kind enough to let me try out a one-per-part which became a huge responsibility for me when that decision was made. And i actually think many of my section mates were worried for me and it made me feel like I was dealing with an actual solo when it was merely an accompaniment to the flutist. Hee, I think i can better manage to brush off negative thoughts like,"If i screw this up, it will make the flute soloist look bad."even though I never really got it completely right during rehearsals, not even once. It was an easy one-per-part with the notes in the comfortable range. It's written to sound good, so what was left was for me to suppress that stage fright and play the notes right. Ha, im relieved to say it all went well tonight although i kinda experienced a pseudo panick attack after playing that segment. Yes, I was suddenly shaking so badly I had to put down my horn and stop playing. How my body reacts so violently to such situations still baffles me.

It wasn't the most spectacular concert but it was another good one. Sadly, I wasn't able to persuade any friends to come down and support. It just becomes increasingly difficult year after year. Nonetheless I think it's quite sad and unfair to myself if I have to forgo my passion for music solely because I couldn't sell. So hopefully this isn't my last, again.

How does it feel to finally give up on something which you have trying to pursue for so many years?

好期待^^

这是在巴杀的停车场拍的。好平朗的早上，也看不出昨晚政治风波的任何痕迹。昨晚与全国人民共度我国历史性的一刻。一向对政治冷感的我也被今年的选举热潮受到感染。国民的不满不代表我的不满，可是这次的选举， 唤醒了我与其他人民想争取自己人权的精神。

相信许多国民所承受的委屈，一直憋在心里，最终还是忍气吞声， 但也只能接受。久而久之已成了习惯，大家都忘了自己是有选择的权利。 好多人都说是现任政府，因好久没受过有势力的反对党的抨击，才会变得傲慢，太过安于现状。其实太过安于现状的，不是政府， 是人民。因为太过习惯，我们就忘了，或懒得，去争取自己想要的生活。

有的人害怕自己的选择会使自己惹来“麻烦”，可是就如某个电台DJ所说的， 我们有权投自己神圣的一票，就得为自己的选择负责。有名听众形容这次GE为“打开眼界”，我起初觉得他好肤浅。难道没更好的形容词吗？可是昨晚真的让我打开眼界了。
政府不是十全十美的，入选的也不一定是最家人选。 可是让我觉得震撼与心安的是大家终于肯站出来，争取自己想要的。这几天，大家已开始思考，问自己是否对目前的局面感到满意，还是有改善之处。就凭这一点，我国已迈前了一大步。昨晚大家有目共睹。

原来，新加坡还是有值得我感到骄傲的一面。

能享有个公共假期不是一件必然的事。可是人总是觉得不满足。Long weekend一转眼就这么过了。今早与家人到Clementi一带的沟渠旁晨运。近年来这种机会已经是我可遇不可求的了。我想只有接近大自然，大家才可以暂时忘记心中的不满，心情也会好需多。其实好多时候公司里，甚至是家中，就好想最近的GE，总有意见不合的时候，道理说也说不完。好想喘一口气。

在还没机会看到日本樱花绽放的情景之前，我和妈不断地在找本地类似的来满足自己。哈哈

哈哈 不忍老也不行了。可能到了我这个年龄，难免会觉得力不从心。好多时候希望能做些调整，让自己觉的不是为了工作而活，可是就是没那个尽力去作些太过疯狂的事。

因为是long weekend，我们这上班族打算彩排后找些娱乐活动。本来是要去playnation的。可是后来换去了较适合年长的decoders café。哈哈

这是我这一生喝过的第一杯“贡茶”。 这家的奶茶也已在市面上“流传”了一段时间，大嫂也为它独特的味道感到赞不绝口，我却到了今时今日才亲自体会到“贡茶”的魔力。其实我还觉得蛮有意思的，因为杯子上还说名了要如何才 是正确的喝法。不能搅拌喔。要喝一口上面咸咸的牛奶，之后才品尝下面的茶。是有一点点的麻烦可是“贡茶”卖的不但只是它奶茶本身，而是一个品茶的 culture. 若对这个概念有所尊重，可能就能感受到不一样的体验吧^^

干杯咯。其实我还比较喜欢koi 的。^^

我觉得自己好傻。

当争执已成了习惯, 应接受它为生活的一部分, 还是应该尝试去改变自己?

有时还真的搞不懂自己对某些事的不满是否合理，还是自己任性所引起。 可能真的老了，期望某些改变能够＂刺激＂目前平淡的生活。