im so upset tonight when chew and i almost started quarreling again..he pushed the wrong buttons when he said there's nothing much left to be done by treatment now that the checklists are in charged by the duty medics.. i find myself defending for treatment once again... i thought i'd never have to do that again.. it's already been a year since i left..they never knew or even bothered to ask why i was upset back then and why i finally decided to leave that dept.. i knew f'rus was kind of disturbed by my decision when he didn't demand a reason from me.. it was until recently in Brunei did he finally bring up the issue and ask me why.. i know it was really unfair to him, and im realli selfish on my part..
back then everyone was ostracizing the treatment guys.. they said that we complain so much.. hide in the corner of the treatment room the whole day,shun from arrows... they said that we always use treatment as an excuse to skip trainings (hello, who can blame us? we were expected to standby treatment the whole day) ..you said that anyone could standby treatment and do dressing for our infrantryguys.. but why till now i don't see that happening... you said we were forever acting busy.. oh ya pardon me but those who comes to the med ctr just to read the papers and play the guitar are SURE busy... even Hakim said we were gay buddies.. there's oni so much one can take...i was realli upset then..
it felt so awkward just now cos minutes ago chew and i were still laughing our heads off while watching "friends".. and now we were quiet.. it all happened when i blurt out," oh you spec 2s are just like that." dun blame me .. he started it...
oh who was i kiddin'!! i make it sound like this so called friendship mattered so much to me.. man, i hated him.. i had enough facing him everyday in the storeroom.. at least im not a hypocrite.. you know what, i don't care.. i don't care abit...
to hell with you, stupid mannen!!!
30.10.05
tonight, the music did not numb my soul .
instead it lulled me in and brought me to another world .
i cant remember the last time i took a stroll alone along the singapore river.. tonight, after i excused myself from my sec school friends, i was there again to seek comfort from the calm waters.. i'll always come to this place on my own at night whenever i had the chance or when im feeling down.. the area beside the esplanade was bustling with activities, yet all these was toned downed by the serenity the river beyong emanates.. the distant lights of the city were like arificial stars to lit up the starless sky, yet accompanied by the mystical darkness over the waters to create a comfortable ambience.. all these contribute to magic of this beautiful place...
a band was performing on the theatre by the bay... some of the songs on the list included "no women no cry" ," knockin' on heaven doors" and " i will survive" (don't know if i got the names right) anyway they were awesome...at that moment, everyone was speaking a common language - music..you could almost feel the instant connection.. aw, i wished my friends were there to enjoy this with me..
instead it lulled me in and brought me to another world .
i cant remember the last time i took a stroll alone along the singapore river.. tonight, after i excused myself from my sec school friends, i was there again to seek comfort from the calm waters.. i'll always come to this place on my own at night whenever i had the chance or when im feeling down.. the area beside the esplanade was bustling with activities, yet all these was toned downed by the serenity the river beyong emanates.. the distant lights of the city were like arificial stars to lit up the starless sky, yet accompanied by the mystical darkness over the waters to create a comfortable ambience.. all these contribute to magic of this beautiful place...
a band was performing on the theatre by the bay... some of the songs on the list included "no women no cry" ," knockin' on heaven doors" and " i will survive" (don't know if i got the names right) anyway they were awesome...at that moment, everyone was speaking a common language - music..you could almost feel the instant connection.. aw, i wished my friends were there to enjoy this with me..
27.10.05
get me out of stores please!! i don't care if the next one who takes over me gets it.. i don't care anymore...i really can't stand another one telling me that ive always been hiding in the storeroom doing nothing.. nothing?! fuck, you must be kidding! he's only in a service vocation.. what right does he have to criticize me... spare me this torment, realli..
dear God.. please grant me the strength to hate.. otherwise im not doing myself justice..
dear God.. please grant me the strength to hate.. otherwise im not doing myself justice..
my tears are dried as i fell asleep in the bus.. people cry for a reason.. but tonight, i didn't know what mine was..maybe it's because my dad ignored me when said goodbye to him before i left.. did he not hear or did he choose not to?maybe he's still angry with me.. i guess he should.. ; maybe another reason could be due to my lousy performance in my driving practical lesson.. the instructor had to raise his voice every now and then throughout the entire lesson.. i felt terrible.. my spirits are further dampened when he said that i could forget about getting a license with that kind of standard..
i don't see one who cries as a weakling.. when tears fall, it's a sign telling you that you had enough for a day..
and i had enough for today..
you gave me wings so that i can fly away .
you saw it coming, i'll be old enough one day .
you know i wouldn't turn back to see the tears in your eyes .
is that the reason why you didn't say goodbye .
i don't see one who cries as a weakling.. when tears fall, it's a sign telling you that you had enough for a day..
and i had enough for today..
you gave me wings so that i can fly away .
you saw it coming, i'll be old enough one day .
you know i wouldn't turn back to see the tears in your eyes .
is that the reason why you didn't say goodbye .
25.10.05
if you push me down into the raging sea .
please don't bother to try to save me .
you can retrieve the drowning person .
but never the heart that's broken .
to say that there's absolutely no problem between us, i'd be lying.. i don't hate him, seriously.. at least not as much as i want him as a friend.. but one part of me still warns me to keep a distance.. that defiant part of me tells me not to bother trying to improve our friendship.. that part of me that keeps chanting "if it doesn't matter to him, why must it be a great deal to you?...." .. to be frank, i've nothing against him.. cheah has played a role of a very respectable character in my life.. he knows the rule, he bends them well.. he gives me this sense of security which tells me that as long as we are under him, we wouldn't get ourselves into any serious trouble in camp.. maybi to others that the positive aspect of him.. but to me, it's this side of him had starts the fear in me, especially when he starts to show signs of doubt in my capabilities in terms of dealing with the work in the med ctr... okay maybi i didn't handle my work very well. but as my friend, i realli hope that he can recognise effort i put in to learn the strings and try to maintain the stores when my other colleague decided to let the entire burden fall on my shoulders..these few months haven't been easy for me.. but when you have doubts.. when you question me.. why is there still so many work to be done in stores? why is snr med putting so much focus in stores? they just hurt me.. hav you even considered my feelings?
i don't know..maybi im just too tired
please don't bother to try to save me .
you can retrieve the drowning person .
but never the heart that's broken .
to say that there's absolutely no problem between us, i'd be lying.. i don't hate him, seriously.. at least not as much as i want him as a friend.. but one part of me still warns me to keep a distance.. that defiant part of me tells me not to bother trying to improve our friendship.. that part of me that keeps chanting "if it doesn't matter to him, why must it be a great deal to you?...." .. to be frank, i've nothing against him.. cheah has played a role of a very respectable character in my life.. he knows the rule, he bends them well.. he gives me this sense of security which tells me that as long as we are under him, we wouldn't get ourselves into any serious trouble in camp.. maybi to others that the positive aspect of him.. but to me, it's this side of him had starts the fear in me, especially when he starts to show signs of doubt in my capabilities in terms of dealing with the work in the med ctr... okay maybi i didn't handle my work very well. but as my friend, i realli hope that he can recognise effort i put in to learn the strings and try to maintain the stores when my other colleague decided to let the entire burden fall on my shoulders..these few months haven't been easy for me.. but when you have doubts.. when you question me.. why is there still so many work to be done in stores? why is snr med putting so much focus in stores? they just hurt me.. hav you even considered my feelings?
i don't know..maybi im just too tired
16.10.05
as i was praying to God today,i said the usual prayers, but my mind was shrouded in worries..the inspection's tomorrow, after being postponed repeatedly until it can no longer be pushed back any further.. this is it.. despite carrying the section of the medical directives around in my bag, i was always reluctant to read it.. am i dreading too much and all these just isn't what's required of me?.. or is this expected of me and i just didn't manage to do my part? i really don't know.. another unit's already under investigation after screwing up the inspection. can i ever pretend that none of this is happening? i burnt my block leav already.. not that i feel that any of the last minute work i did was going to make things better.. maybi it's just a vain attempt to lessen the guilt im going to face after i screw up tomorrow. i don't know.. i just don't know.
13.10.05
8.10.05
6.10.05
06/10 . 0745 . bunk
you know, it's weird waking up to find more than 3/4 of the people in bunk missing. i still can't fight the overwhelming nostalgic feeling inside me since last evening. i guess f'rus and fro were right that a simple life doesn't really exist anymore. this two weeks plus here is more for me to catch my breath before i face reality back home..
dammit, so fight the depression and move on, bitch!
you know, it's weird waking up to find more than 3/4 of the people in bunk missing. i still can't fight the overwhelming nostalgic feeling inside me since last evening. i guess f'rus and fro were right that a simple life doesn't really exist anymore. this two weeks plus here is more for me to catch my breath before i face reality back home..
dammit, so fight the depression and move on, bitch!
5.10.05
05/10 (day 15) . 0900 . (unknown)
im now sitting at the edge of a series of interlocking spurs, whereby the hillslopes are actually covered with padi fields. little green plantlets maticuously planted such that they are spreaded evenly across the entire hill. (or knoll, i seriously can't tell the diff)
just a few days back, some of our men stepped across one of these fields and were unfortunatedly discovered by the owner who demanded that our unit does something in return to compensate for his loss. so here i am with twenty lethargic-looking guys from sp coy, five rolls of tow rope, fifty-over iron pickets and about five monkey ramps. they were required to build a makeshift boundary along one side of the field to prevent similar incidents from happening. from my point of view, the owner is apparently using our men to provide free labour. saves him alot of trouble and expenses.
but this place is beautiful, not exactly breathtaking but its peaceful and serene surrounding provided a tranquilizing effect, apart from the rhythmic sound of metal against metal as the iron pickets are driven into the ground that is. ha.. i guess im the only one here who is enjoying the blazing sun and the occasional breeze.
the moment i stepped out of the bunk this morning, i was greeted, yet again, by the cool refreshing air and the vast surrounding land, half covered in white fog, i knew i was going to miss this place. in fact, im starting to like this place as much as i hate to go back. it gives me the delusion that a simple and carefree life is still possible in reality. such a huge contrast to what's waiting for me to face back home. apparently, im the only one who doesn't share the same eagerness to go back home.
im now sitting at the edge of a series of interlocking spurs, whereby the hillslopes are actually covered with padi fields. little green plantlets maticuously planted such that they are spreaded evenly across the entire hill. (or knoll, i seriously can't tell the diff)
just a few days back, some of our men stepped across one of these fields and were unfortunatedly discovered by the owner who demanded that our unit does something in return to compensate for his loss. so here i am with twenty lethargic-looking guys from sp coy, five rolls of tow rope, fifty-over iron pickets and about five monkey ramps. they were required to build a makeshift boundary along one side of the field to prevent similar incidents from happening. from my point of view, the owner is apparently using our men to provide free labour. saves him alot of trouble and expenses.
but this place is beautiful, not exactly breathtaking but its peaceful and serene surrounding provided a tranquilizing effect, apart from the rhythmic sound of metal against metal as the iron pickets are driven into the ground that is. ha.. i guess im the only one here who is enjoying the blazing sun and the occasional breeze.
the moment i stepped out of the bunk this morning, i was greeted, yet again, by the cool refreshing air and the vast surrounding land, half covered in white fog, i knew i was going to miss this place. in fact, im starting to like this place as much as i hate to go back. it gives me the delusion that a simple and carefree life is still possible in reality. such a huge contrast to what's waiting for me to face back home. apparently, im the only one who doesn't share the same eagerness to go back home.
1.10.05
01/10 (day 11) . 0805 . foxbat sv
this morning ard 2 am, i was rudely awakened by the morning call by the rooster at M3. wel it seemed determined to wake the whole world up when it started screaming at 10 sec intervals
(yes, i timed it) all the way from 4 am! boy, it was ridiculously persistent.
right now im covering at the place where foxbat was formerly situated. wel, might as wel pen sth down. a list of some of things here that are different as compared to back home:
- cookhouse food is laden on metal trays which we have to wash before and after our meals, and dried with a filthy rag. utensils and mugs not provided.
- cicadas are a common sight here. same goes for huge staghorn beetles and what have you.
- the RPs here have an additonal job to do. that would be to inspect the garbage bags before they are being disposed, making sure that no SAF-related trash is found in them.
- those areas with roads look alot lik m'sia and the more densely vegetated areas resemble the camp sites in Tekong. ridges and knolls can seen everywhere.
- the perm staff here, especially those with the rank of staff and above, really know how to enjoy themselves outfield. lap-tops, dvds,fans, ice-cold soft drinks, safari beds complete with blankets, sumptuous breakfast, comprising of ham, scambled eggs and coffee ( they call it the American Breakfast or ABF in short)
- they are well versed with the signal set and apparantly proud of it.
- the canteen here operates all the way til ten in the evening. the stall vendors are exceptionally friendly to the perm staff here but are reeeeealli hostile to us.
- the e-mart here looks more like a mama shop, selling soveniors and boy band t-shirts.
- back home, everyone's talkin' about ORD; here , it's EOT.
- the med ctr here operates for 24 hrs which means having to wake up in the wee hrs to adminster medication or take parameters if you happen to be on duty.
- the med ctr here houses a pending- P case medic who roams about in the med ctr, he's apparently overlooked by the mo and is left untreated.. kk just kiddin'
- the medics here are parang-trained.
- you can barely see a speck that passes off as star at night. the jungle turns pitch-black by six thirty.
- sick-bay patients have to wear a ridiculously-looking "pyjames". ( no wonder they choose not to wonder about like they do in 5sir)
- the upsloping road that cuts right tru the camp is named PIE and the side roads are given familia names like holland road.
- they pay as much as fifty to sixty bucks per trip (if im not mistaken) to get the chartered mini buses (no wonder the drivers didn't mind fetching the drenched soldiers from cwo back to camp)
- saturdays and sundays are jus considered another two weekdays.come to think of it, it's seven-days work week here..man
- latest newspaper that you'll ever get here'll always be yesterday's papers
gee. my language skills are really deteriorating.. what has army done to me.....
this morning ard 2 am, i was rudely awakened by the morning call by the rooster at M3. wel it seemed determined to wake the whole world up when it started screaming at 10 sec intervals
(yes, i timed it) all the way from 4 am! boy, it was ridiculously persistent.
right now im covering at the place where foxbat was formerly situated. wel, might as wel pen sth down. a list of some of things here that are different as compared to back home:
- cookhouse food is laden on metal trays which we have to wash before and after our meals, and dried with a filthy rag. utensils and mugs not provided.
- cicadas are a common sight here. same goes for huge staghorn beetles and what have you.
- the RPs here have an additonal job to do. that would be to inspect the garbage bags before they are being disposed, making sure that no SAF-related trash is found in them.
- those areas with roads look alot lik m'sia and the more densely vegetated areas resemble the camp sites in Tekong. ridges and knolls can seen everywhere.
- the perm staff here, especially those with the rank of staff and above, really know how to enjoy themselves outfield. lap-tops, dvds,fans, ice-cold soft drinks, safari beds complete with blankets, sumptuous breakfast, comprising of ham, scambled eggs and coffee ( they call it the American Breakfast or ABF in short)
- they are well versed with the signal set and apparantly proud of it.
- the canteen here operates all the way til ten in the evening. the stall vendors are exceptionally friendly to the perm staff here but are reeeeealli hostile to us.
- the e-mart here looks more like a mama shop, selling soveniors and boy band t-shirts.
- back home, everyone's talkin' about ORD; here , it's EOT.
- the med ctr here operates for 24 hrs which means having to wake up in the wee hrs to adminster medication or take parameters if you happen to be on duty.
- the med ctr here houses a pending- P case medic who roams about in the med ctr, he's apparently overlooked by the mo and is left untreated.. kk just kiddin'
- the medics here are parang-trained.
- you can barely see a speck that passes off as star at night. the jungle turns pitch-black by six thirty.
- sick-bay patients have to wear a ridiculously-looking "pyjames". ( no wonder they choose not to wonder about like they do in 5sir)
- the upsloping road that cuts right tru the camp is named PIE and the side roads are given familia names like holland road.
- they pay as much as fifty to sixty bucks per trip (if im not mistaken) to get the chartered mini buses (no wonder the drivers didn't mind fetching the drenched soldiers from cwo back to camp)
- saturdays and sundays are jus considered another two weekdays.come to think of it, it's seven-days work week here..man
- latest newspaper that you'll ever get here'll always be yesterday's papers
gee. my language skills are really deteriorating.. what has army done to me.....
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