Too many people, too many opinions. They cloud the mind and very often i forget what i really want. There are people who criticize the fact that i didn't look for a job immediately upon graduation. There are people who said im very laid back and passive in my job hunting. There are people who don't understand why i chose to leave my parents company. There are people who said that i didn't know what i want.
They are wrong. I know what i want. I just don't know what i should do to achieve that. I want self respect. And Ive been struggling to have that respect for myself. I lost that in my parents company when I felt that what Ive been doing in the office, wasn't important. I was easily replaceable. And when I felt that my dad didn't really have concrete plans for me, I decided that I had to go. When I realized that I had nothing that my parents could feel proud of after my A levels, I needed to get out. When my uncle said I was doing "ITE job" in front of my colleagues, when my aunt was shocked that I didn't even attempt to find a job outside, I felt that staying in my current situation, was wrong. And I could relate to this army mate of mine, who behaves like a joker, but has my respect when he got out of his fathers company to work at hotel 81. People laugh at that, I don't. I understand why he made that decision.
Maybe it was a desperate attempt to find someone who really appreciates me, or someone who is willing to groom me. Im not an errand boy. I don't wish to be picking up letters from the letter box, collecting rental, checking meter readings, picking up documents, sorting invoices my entire life. I wish to have that right to complain that im tired, that right to complain about work. Ive lost that right. Because i came from a very protective family. Because I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. And I was never happy. And I don't have the right to talk about that either. Ive friends who say that im useless, and that ive "no improvements after all these years". Yes I've reached a point where Ive started to absent myself from gathering to avoid these crude, but true, remarks.
You can give me all the money in the world, and I know I wouldnt be happy. Money can buy love. Things that money can buy, can replace love. That's what my parents believe. And result, an unhappy child.
It makes me feel unfilial to put that blame on my family or the kind of environment I was raised in. But that's how i really feel. I feel that they have a part to play for who i am today. I don't face financial problems. I don;t have to teach tuition to earn extra money for the family. I live in a big house. I don't have find the need to look for a job that urgently. I could still afford to go on a grad trip. By societal definition, I should be happy and people would die to be in my position.
Let me share some of troubles faced by this not-so-poor kid. I come from a well-to-do family. When I was still studying in primary school, my parents had no trouble hiring tutors. I had tuition weekday, Swimming and organ lessons on Sat, Mental calculation on Sunday, Calligraphy on Wednesday. I had 20,30 assessment books but I had no friends. Well, I had 2 best friends, David and Timothy. They are brothers. but one day when we were having tuition together, they broke the news saying that they were migrating to Perth. And before I knew, they took off. And I really had no friends. My parents don't see that as a problem. Both of them were working and they seldom have enough time for us. We had maids who cook for us. Ive never tried my mum's cooking simply because I think she doesnt know how to. . I take the school bus, which means I never got to take the public transport alone. Hence, I was a traumatic experience when I had to move on the secondary and had to take the bus on my own. My mum wasn't there, cos my younger just got into primary one.I didn't have much experience buying food, so I bought wanton mee almost every day. I was very protected, and back then, I don't see it as a problem, neither did my parents. I only started buying my first plate of chicken rice during a secondary school class gathering. Those memories are still vivid in my mind, because it wasn't a pleasant experience either. Yes i admit i was spoilt, but i didn't choose to be. It doesn't make sense, to be contributing part of my salary to the household, because it wasn't required. When we go out for a meal and I ask to pay for the bill, My mum would say that im "ridiculous". Am i? I was just trying to do what society deem as the "right" thing to do.
Over time, life gets more and more confusing. The dilemmas that I face becomes more complex with age. There are so many people around me, with differing views. And Im really starting to lose sight of what I want. All my life ive been following rules, and I kept lamenting on the fact that it harder to meet everyone's expectations. I find this constant need to prove myself, and I get very unhappy when i wasnt able to do just that. And I lost that ability to set expectations for myself when I was too obsessed with what others expect of me. What is it that i would feel that is right and best for me? A few days ago, if you offer me the job with only a basic wage of $1k per month, I would take it. But now, after hearing so many opinions, Im hesitating. Why? Some people say I should ask for more. Some say that I shouldn't try to be so greedy and just accept it. Some say i wasn't "job-hungry" enough because if i were, I would feel desperate and find out more from the HR officer who made that phone call that day. Apart from feeling hesitant, I was angry with myself, for being "shallow". For not meeting the expectations, or others.
What is it that I want? Im slowing losing sight of it.
Maybe I need someone to tell me to fuck-care all of them and do I feel is right. That, will make me happy. Truly.
