We scoop up the latest tabloids, listen to the latest news, engage in the latest gossips. We read other people's blogs, we try to get involved in one another's lives. All this while, we are unaware that we are addicted to someone else's drama. Ask yourself, When is the last time you spend hours on one thing that really means something to you, personally.
I've met one person on one particular night during the Engin' Camp, he was sitting alone at the studying bench, back against the wall, wired to his mp3, eyes closed, as if in a trance, stayed there for hours, while evryone else were either preparing to retire for the night or engaged in some meaningless chit-chat sessions. At first my first impression of him was,
so eccentric.Then, the following day, i learnt that he was actually thinking, thinking of his life, reflecting on what he did, what he wanted in life and what his next step would be . We have limited hours a day, and we are apparently forever busy, so we always come up with the usual excuse of being too busy to even spend that few mins to take a step back, to analyse our character or to put our own lives under scrutiny.
Frankly speaking, i sympathise with myself, for being 20 and still asking questions regarding my existence in this world.
im currently reading a well-known short story, titled
Tuesdays with Morrie, regarding a dying professor and his last few lessons with one of his students. "So many people walk around witha meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're buzy doing things that they think are important. This is because they are chasing the wrong things. The way to get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to loving the community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning. "
Yesterday morning i was chatting with fro, the topics of our conversation touched on Judgement Day and how the world seems to come to an end. Ha, such a disturbing topic to touch on. Then there's these questions that pop up in my head, but i never really brought them up. If Judgement Day really comes, and God starts to categorise all the people into two distinct groups - "The Good People" and "The Bad People", which group would you fall into? If you end up in the latter, would request for few day to make up if all the wrong deeds that you have done? Would it, then, be too late? would it be enough?
I, personally, feel that if that were to occur, i'd never make it to "The Good People" category. I don't know, i guess im always trying to create this impression that im always doing things for the sake for others, constantly convincing myself that that was the case. But it was never enough. What i did, for others, was never enough.
Have you ever spent a moment to critisize and condemn yourself? Or do you wait for the people around you to do that for you?
I am a rather self-centered person. My parents, my driving instructor and some of my friend said that i was
bo-chap, it was only recently that i start to realise that i can't bothered with alot of things. I guess that poor-memory excuse was just bullshit. I just can't bothered with other people lives, and yet a part of my expects them to probe into mine, something which i felt really ashamed of. Selfish, i admit that. Most of my friends don't know that there was a period of time when i was still in Sec2, i'd buy small b'day gifts for my classmates even though we weren't that close. Then i realise that such gestures were meaningless, that you can't exchange gifts for friendship. Now it all seemed so desperate and pathetic.
I used to say that i have a handful of close friends. But how close is close? Why is it that i use the word "close" so extensively? The fact is that i never bothered to question about what was happening in their lives, what problems they were facing, how was their recent orientaion camps, how was work etc. I never ... i never really bothered..never bothered to ask, never bothered to remember what course they are taking, where they are working and stuff like that. So who else can i blame if they don't approach me when they encounter problems of their own. Sad to say, my knowledge of them is only skin-deep. How well you know a person is not determined by how long you know this person. I can know you for four-five years, but if im more sincere, i guess i can get to know you more in just a couple of minutes.
I don't know why im saying all these. Up to this point, it all suddenly appears nonsensical to me. Disoriented. I guess i was just trying to be like my eccentric friend, to spend to some time looking into my screwed-up life.
