23/02 . 2352 . SYC bunk
i don't wish to interfere, seriously .But when jos and hakim quarrelled today, i can't turn a blind eye to it. i just can't. didn't know what to say except to ask them to stop it. jos's a friend and i really hurts knowing that a friend's being dragged into a political whirlpool and you're helpless about it. To be frank, i wouldn't be able to last through this whole ATEC sh*t without his company to ease the tension. Uterly helpless. im really worried for him. What can i do?
The world is cruel and human are selfish. but who are we to blame?
22.2.06
21.2.06
19.2.06
18.2.06
18/02 . 1232 . SYC bunk
if fro haven't come over to probe me, i wouldn't have cried. i'd most prob sleep the entire afternoon away without realising that something was indeed wrong. Don't get me wrong, i don't blame him. He made me confront my problems. when people came to me to question out of concern, i just shrigged them away, i'd say Nothing. Nothing much. Maybe there's too many things to say. Too many. i don't know where to start. i don't even know what's bothering me the most.. so .. nothing. i only told him that i was tired. Going to ord soon so nothing really mattered . Maybe knowing that im ording soon makes me feel that all the probblems associated with the medical platoon is only temporary.
Tears fell.
And i didn't know why.
if fro haven't come over to probe me, i wouldn't have cried. i'd most prob sleep the entire afternoon away without realising that something was indeed wrong. Don't get me wrong, i don't blame him. He made me confront my problems. when people came to me to question out of concern, i just shrigged them away, i'd say Nothing. Nothing much. Maybe there's too many things to say. Too many. i don't know where to start. i don't even know what's bothering me the most.. so .. nothing. i only told him that i was tired. Going to ord soon so nothing really mattered . Maybe knowing that im ording soon makes me feel that all the probblems associated with the medical platoon is only temporary.
Tears fell.
And i didn't know why.
16.2.06
16/02 . 2342 . Sai yok bunk
There's one thing that i haven't really told my camp mates about. im afraid to stay in the BCS. Afraid that one day i might not be able to take it, i might let them down. These days i shun from my reflection knowing that im growing thinner by the day. Just how longer can this scrawny body of mine sustain before it finally gives way.everytime i lag behind in battalion route marches, every time i have trouble carrying more than four iron pickets at one go., everytime my calf muscles aches when i climb up the stairs, my morle just gets lower and lower.sometimes i try to help out with the little chores, treat them a little better, not because ima agood person but rather it's all in attempt to spare myself the guilt if i do let my guys down. The only thing that pushes me on is not the thought that im ording soon orwhatsoever, but rather it's knowing that my team'l suffer if i chose to quit.
it's really stressful..
There's one thing that i haven't really told my camp mates about. im afraid to stay in the BCS. Afraid that one day i might not be able to take it, i might let them down. These days i shun from my reflection knowing that im growing thinner by the day. Just how longer can this scrawny body of mine sustain before it finally gives way.everytime i lag behind in battalion route marches, every time i have trouble carrying more than four iron pickets at one go., everytime my calf muscles aches when i climb up the stairs, my morle just gets lower and lower.sometimes i try to help out with the little chores, treat them a little better, not because ima agood person but rather it's all in attempt to spare myself the guilt if i do let my guys down. The only thing that pushes me on is not the thought that im ording soon orwhatsoever, but rather it's knowing that my team'l suffer if i chose to quit.
it's really stressful..
15.2.06
15/02 . 1232 . Sai yok bunk
We are like coral islands which look isolated to one above but are, in fact, only nodes in the pine of a long archipelago which is mostly underwater.
i see new problems brewing but it's for the next generation, i shouldn't interfere. Despite our differences, despite the different paths the wind of fate forced us to follow,at the end of the day, we are still combat medics. Together, we fight a different battle.
i can pretend not to hear comments about me being racist bcause i chose to hang out with the only chinese around. i can pretend that it doesn't matter that im working in an environment where evryone converse in a foreign language that i don;t completely understand. In this Thailand trip, everyone's suffering. Physically, mentally or emotionally. But now many of us are selfless enough to acknowledge one another's suffering. i recognise and honor that kind of bond among us, though there are people still blind to it. But as long as im wearing the red cross across my arm, i can pretend to be indifferent and carry on with my duty. Maybe on the day when i officially retire from my vocation, i would not pretend anymore.
We are like coral islands which look isolated to one above but are, in fact, only nodes in the pine of a long archipelago which is mostly underwater.
i see new problems brewing but it's for the next generation, i shouldn't interfere. Despite our differences, despite the different paths the wind of fate forced us to follow,at the end of the day, we are still combat medics. Together, we fight a different battle.
i can pretend not to hear comments about me being racist bcause i chose to hang out with the only chinese around. i can pretend that it doesn't matter that im working in an environment where evryone converse in a foreign language that i don;t completely understand. In this Thailand trip, everyone's suffering. Physically, mentally or emotionally. But now many of us are selfless enough to acknowledge one another's suffering. i recognise and honor that kind of bond among us, though there are people still blind to it. But as long as im wearing the red cross across my arm, i can pretend to be indifferent and carry on with my duty. Maybe on the day when i officially retire from my vocation, i would not pretend anymore.
12.2.06
12/02 . 1435 . Khao Meng Training Shed
Suddenly im not so excited about ording. Maybi fro's right. It's too sudden . i wudn't be able to get used to it. My life is full of blanks.
Suddenly im not so excited about ording. Maybi fro's right. It's too sudden . i wudn't be able to get used to it. My life is full of blanks.
the second hand ticks .
the minute hand inches .
the hour hand, it crawls .
would you still long for tomorrow ,
if you have to say goodbye
to yesterday and all
***
Leaf
dried and brown .
used to be green .
when it's still alive .
has anyone seen?
now it can only rustle .
now it can only whisper .
trying to tell you his story .
before it disappears .
12/02 . 0715 . Outfield
Water
can be crystal clear. But is it pure? Or laden with impurities?
People are like water. Just how deep must you pry into someone's life to judge the kind of person he is? How much must you know to understand him well? Chatted with jos yesterday afternoon and he shared abit of his personal life with me. Realised that he went through alot. Realised that he was far from the first impression he gave to many as a shallow person. Realised that he see things in a very matured way.
i don't know. Somehow it always happens when i speak to someone who chose the polytech-path. I feel that we are from two very different worlds. In fact, i respect them. Respect for their maturity. Respect them for knowing exactly what they want. Respect for that courage to break from the norm to pursue what they want instead for just blindly going through the motion. Respect them for the fact that they know that study is not everything and attaining good grades is not our final goal. But us? still so trapped in the small world we create for ourselves, awaiting to get the shock of our lives.
Are we ever prepared to grow up?
Water
can be crystal clear. But is it pure? Or laden with impurities?
People are like water. Just how deep must you pry into someone's life to judge the kind of person he is? How much must you know to understand him well? Chatted with jos yesterday afternoon and he shared abit of his personal life with me. Realised that he went through alot. Realised that he was far from the first impression he gave to many as a shallow person. Realised that he see things in a very matured way.
i don't know. Somehow it always happens when i speak to someone who chose the polytech-path. I feel that we are from two very different worlds. In fact, i respect them. Respect for their maturity. Respect them for knowing exactly what they want. Respect for that courage to break from the norm to pursue what they want instead for just blindly going through the motion. Respect them for the fact that they know that study is not everything and attaining good grades is not our final goal. But us? still so trapped in the small world we create for ourselves, awaiting to get the shock of our lives.
Are we ever prepared to grow up?
11.2.06
11/02 . 1600 . Outfield
Here i am sitting on a bandage box, staring into emptiness. It's always the same for the first day of every exercise. Just finished setting up our BCS tentage, Five metres from a couple of tombstones. Of all the places to deploy our BCS. One of the RTA soldiers commented that there're spirits around. lagi best ..
Here i am sitting on a bandage box, staring into emptiness. It's always the same for the first day of every exercise. Just finished setting up our BCS tentage, Five metres from a couple of tombstones. Of all the places to deploy our BCS. One of the RTA soldiers commented that there're spirits around. lagi best ..
9.2.06
09/02 . 2331 . Bunk
does the world like to see me as a loner?
maybi that's the way it should be.
why bother going around looking for friends
searching in vain for the one that truely understands me?
mere acquaintances come abit closer.
they become friends and then revert to strangers.
in my army life, i've crossed so many people's paths.
to stick to one route, is it that tough?
does the world like to see me as a loner?
maybi that's the way it should be.
why bother going around looking for friends
searching in vain for the one that truely understands me?
mere acquaintances come abit closer.
they become friends and then revert to strangers.
in my army life, i've crossed so many people's paths.
to stick to one route, is it that tough?
09/02 . 0915 . Med Ctr.
i feel like someting is lacking in my life. Pride. Pride in what im doing. Im not proud of my unit. Neither am i proud of my appointment. Maybe that's why i feel so hollow and empty. Suddenly i feel reluctant to rack my brain over some stupid medic's shirt design. i can't find the reason to do it.
i feel like someting is lacking in my life. Pride. Pride in what im doing. Im not proud of my unit. Neither am i proud of my appointment. Maybe that's why i feel so hollow and empty. Suddenly i feel reluctant to rack my brain over some stupid medic's shirt design. i can't find the reason to do it.
8.2.06
08/02 . 0912 . Outfield
This morning we ran out of water. Only two jerry cans were allocated to us. Beside us was
Bravo coy with 30 jerry cans for resupply. Ha, care for soldiers, my foot. it's not the first time people joke about the 7 core values we recite during every water parade back in BMT.
These few days, living with the new medics was like watching a play unfold. I don't know. Maybe because they are conversing in Malay most of the time. Actually, it didn't matter that i don't understand completely. Noticed that MO would occasionally laugh with them. Does he even unedrstand a word that they are saying? Currently he's reading "Learning Malay in Three Weeks", guess the reason's obvious.
These few days jos seems closer to me. Not that im a racist person but being the only two chinese around, guess we feel more at ease under each other's accompaniment.
This morning we ran out of water. Only two jerry cans were allocated to us. Beside us was
Bravo coy with 30 jerry cans for resupply. Ha, care for soldiers, my foot. it's not the first time people joke about the 7 core values we recite during every water parade back in BMT.
These few days, living with the new medics was like watching a play unfold. I don't know. Maybe because they are conversing in Malay most of the time. Actually, it didn't matter that i don't understand completely. Noticed that MO would occasionally laugh with them. Does he even unedrstand a word that they are saying? Currently he's reading "Learning Malay in Three Weeks", guess the reason's obvious.
These few days jos seems closer to me. Not that im a racist person but being the only two chinese around, guess we feel more at ease under each other's accompaniment.
7.2.06
07/02 . 1305 . Outfield
How many times do you actually got to see the vulnerable side of others? After a couple of light-mode deployment trainings, we chose a shady hideout to chill the rest of the morning away. Everyone started talking about our experiences as a combat medics., then snr med commented that people just tend to misunderstand a medic's jobscope, that's why we have to do our part and prove our worth. Then he told us that he cried in front of his o.c when he learnt about the vocation he's getting into. Told us how shocked he was when he was informed of his new appointment as 5 sir snr med in just three-days notice.Told us how afraid he was when Hasbi was apparently possessed a second in the sickbay back in Brunei.Told us things that he has never told us before. I don't know. Is this the side of him that i'd never seem before? The side that only the new medics have access to?
How many times do you actually got to see the vulnerable side of others? After a couple of light-mode deployment trainings, we chose a shady hideout to chill the rest of the morning away. Everyone started talking about our experiences as a combat medics., then snr med commented that people just tend to misunderstand a medic's jobscope, that's why we have to do our part and prove our worth. Then he told us that he cried in front of his o.c when he learnt about the vocation he's getting into. Told us how shocked he was when he was informed of his new appointment as 5 sir snr med in just three-days notice.Told us how afraid he was when Hasbi was apparently possessed a second in the sickbay back in Brunei.Told us things that he has never told us before. I don't know. Is this the side of him that i'd never seem before? The side that only the new medics have access to?
6.2.06
5.2.06
05/02 . 1545 . Khao Meng Field Camp
Just completed our Navex walk. That's seven freaking hours of walking in the blazing sun and carrying the stupid BCS bag. Is a limit to one's endurance? Will i ever find out? i don't know. And i dare not question myself if i 'd be able to survive tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow. Or the day that follows. Too many uncertainties that i dread. Too many obvious answers that i constantly deny. Nothing new to the rest, but im still scared. 2 more major outfields to go. No questions. Just endure. Like what we NSmen like say, "lan-lan suck thumb."While the rest of my friends are enjoying their leaves and offs, im still here going through the worst one's army life can offer.
No questions. Just endure.
It's a long and winding journey.
Just completed our Navex walk. That's seven freaking hours of walking in the blazing sun and carrying the stupid BCS bag. Is a limit to one's endurance? Will i ever find out? i don't know. And i dare not question myself if i 'd be able to survive tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow. Or the day that follows. Too many uncertainties that i dread. Too many obvious answers that i constantly deny. Nothing new to the rest, but im still scared. 2 more major outfields to go. No questions. Just endure. Like what we NSmen like say, "lan-lan suck thumb."While the rest of my friends are enjoying their leaves and offs, im still here going through the worst one's army life can offer.
No questions. Just endure.
It's a long and winding journey.
05/02 . 0756 . on 5-tonner to Navex Starting Point
It's already my fifth day here. Slowly aclimatizing to the weather and getting used to all the drifting dust. ya. some times the dust from the dirt tracks get so bad that the drivers have to resort to wearing goggles and disposable face marks. Yesterday, our battlion have shifted to Khao Meng Field Camp for a temporary stay. We're having our second Navex walk today and tommorrow, our battlion night march. We knew well enough not to inquire about the distance we are going to cover 'cause they always lie in attempt to boost our morales yet so often proved to be ineffective. 'l be bac in SYC in two days time.
Today's sunday.
Wondering what my family's doing now.
It's already my fifth day here. Slowly aclimatizing to the weather and getting used to all the drifting dust. ya. some times the dust from the dirt tracks get so bad that the drivers have to resort to wearing goggles and disposable face marks. Yesterday, our battlion have shifted to Khao Meng Field Camp for a temporary stay. We're having our second Navex walk today and tommorrow, our battlion night march. We knew well enough not to inquire about the distance we are going to cover 'cause they always lie in attempt to boost our morales yet so often proved to be ineffective. 'l be bac in SYC in two days time.
Today's sunday.
Wondering what my family's doing now.
3.2.06
03/02 . 1532 . Sai Yok Camp
Dried. All dried.
The sun here doesn't shine, it burns, raising temperatures to the afternoon to at least 33 degree celcius at times. If trees have voices, they'd probably be screaming in the scorching sun, clawing their leafless branches against the cloudness sky. Guess i haven't been writing for quite some time. As far as i can, i'd try not to keep track of time , because when you count the days, seconds become hours, hours become days,days become months and one month'd seem to take forever. The camp's like a huge town, yet they can't even afford to build cubicles in the bathroom - just a huge tub in the centre and we are expected to bathe with pails. Trying hard to get used to everything here.
Dried. All dried.
The sun here doesn't shine, it burns, raising temperatures to the afternoon to at least 33 degree celcius at times. If trees have voices, they'd probably be screaming in the scorching sun, clawing their leafless branches against the cloudness sky. Guess i haven't been writing for quite some time. As far as i can, i'd try not to keep track of time , because when you count the days, seconds become hours, hours become days,days become months and one month'd seem to take forever. The camp's like a huge town, yet they can't even afford to build cubicles in the bathroom - just a huge tub in the centre and we are expected to bathe with pails. Trying hard to get used to everything here.
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