i've been through restriction, under total control, suffocation. i've been granted absolute freedom, salvation, time. but im never satisfied., for one question still huants me. One question that questions my existence and the rationale of everything that's happening ard me.
What is it that i want?
i can tell you i've died months ago. i can tell you i've never been alive before. in the past, what i cherish and so desperatedly hold onto despite being at the verge of losing them don't really matter to me anymore.i plug those ear pieces into my ears , the DJ blabbering non-stop, i realise all of a sudden that i never really listened to what he was talking about. i play my mp3, letting it play JJ's songs down the list, moments later just to realise i never really listened to any one of them. i sit in front of the tv, not watching the show but just merely letting the moving pictures fill my mind. what is it that i want?
i am dead. im no longer thinking. for those who are concerned, don't have to worry about me. 'cos i don't feel anymore. im kind of numb and i no longer think. most of the times it's lonely. but ironically, im not alone in feeling lonely. and unfortunatedly, it's normal and it's happening. End my life today and ask me if i regretted not being able to do what i wanted to do. i would definite tell you that i am regretful. But turn back time and let me live my previous 2 decades all over again, i'll tell you i can't make it any better and i can't do it. i haven't blogged for some time, because i didn't feel like blogging these few days. people read my blog. they read for updates and interesting stories. But what is it actually that they are looking for? And what is it actually that im trying to convey to them? Has this blog drawn us closer together? Or has it reminded us of how far we have drifted apart? Has it allowed them to understand me more? Or has it made them realise that they've never known me right from the start? ya im still asking questions. but im no longer looking for answers. im not interested. What the hell is it that i want?
it's been three wks since i returned from thailand. What happenedback in that foreign land is already gradually fading from my memories. im blessed, and at the same time cursed, with a poor memory. but that aside, it's not my point. These few days i've been trying to find things to do to spend the days, to kill time. it's weird that one craves to have break from all the work and when he's granted all the time in the world, he'd rather work his mind out so that he doesn't
feel that he's wasting his life away. movies. aimless window shopping. mindlessly watching the tv. driving lessons. meeting up friends for lunch and more aimless walking. weights. what more? now im thinking of finding a job. not because im interested to learn new things. not because im really short of money. But rather , to kill time. is this what my life is all about? trying to find something to occupy myself so that i don't
feel that my life is wasted, when, in fact, it is wasted. If that is the case, i'd feel sad for myself. And i'd rather die. seriously.
i don't even know why im writing this down. it's not as if i really needed to share all these with anyone else. maybe just to keep track of my thoughts 'cause it's running all over the place. sometimes i though letting this blog revert back to becoming my personal private journal like it was intended to be in first place. sometimes i even thought of shutting it down. but i didn't let that happen. i don't want to
feel that all that was recorded for the past two years can be deleted with a mere click of a button. wasted.
i've lost many things as im growing up. And i lament for the loss. but things that you never lose, you never cherish. most of the times it works that way huh? After ord, i've been trying very hard to hold on to some friendships. but the more i try to hold on, the more i lose. the more i lose, the more i lament. And the more i lament, the more i know that i cherish. but it's inevitable and it's happening. sometimes you just need to ask some very simple yet crucial questions to know what in the world is happening. If you really cherish our friendship, why is it so hard to find a time to meet up for a simple lunch? is it not worth the time? Do we really have to wait for that one single day when you have absolutely nothing on then we'l have a chance to have a meal together? If that's the case, then ask yourself, in your heart, where do we stand?Why is it that i wasn't able to find the chance to give all the the thailand sovieners out to my friends? are they that busy? it's been three weeks. Why are last year's xmas presents still lying on my desk? If you cherish us why is it that i see online most of the time but you never thought of saying hi? You constantly say that u mis my company then why do i feel that you are not very keen to talk to me through sms? Why did you lie?
Questions. Questions. Like i said, im no longer interested in answers. sometimes the questions you ask, are the answers you're looking for. it's not some words of wisdom,and im not trying to be sophisticated. it's something that you know. Just that sometimes, people need to be reminded that's all.
what?!... it wasn't me.
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