30/09 (day 10) . 1905 . M3
today marks the end of sept 2005, ive spent more then a week here in Brunei. this entry's actually dedicated the perm staff medics here. from the bottom of my heart, i must say im truly impressed and touched by their friendly and helpful attitude towards us and amongst themselves. so much that i envy them when i find myself stuck in a world full of politics, deception, jealousy, stress and reality back home.
my path as a combat medic started off with dignity and pride when i first officially recieved my armband and foolishly believed that i was lucky enough to be in a vocation whereby im entrusted with a noble role of assisting the sick and injured when they desperatedly need us. but all the so-called pride and dignity gradually dissipated when i realised that the world outside wasnt' what i expected it to be.
our existence was just a joke. the men feigned illness , decieved us and made use of us in their attempts to malinger. the comander hate us for letting them get their way. covering for safety sounds like a task ladened with such important responsibilty when all i was expected to do was to sit there and "wait for sth to happen". my family and friends think that medics are slack. despite several occasions where i tried to tell them how tired i was during outfield trainings and from all the work in the med ctr, their impression of medics being slack is etched so deeply in their minds that they started to view me as a whiner. i never realli share with them my experience in the army anymore. i was so ashamed to mention my vocation to my old friends.
but these guys here allowed me torealise and learn what i thought was the most valuable thing i gained from this Brunei trip. their passion, their willingness to render assistance unconditionally, their humor and lifeliness. al these really struck a chord deep within me. these are so many qualities lacking back home, and an odd deja-vu feeling arises experienced them over here.
during one of the nights here in the med ctr, i was trying to handle the sudden influx of reporting -sick personnels alone when sr med and luk went off for a briefing. the men kept coming in. so many people. so many names. i started getting the names all mixed up and was utterly helpless. it was then Jon came over and offered to help. he was so familiarised with his job that he could effortlessly do all the necessary documentations and clear the crowd. i cant be more grateful. but back in my camp in spore, similar situations'll only cause the medics to stress out and start spewing vulgarities. i was thinking, back home, why shun from all the "arrows"? why cant we just do what there is to be done and experience the whole thing? maybi e can gain something out of it who knows?but that's a hard-to-achieve mentality, i guess.
i read the letter their previous mo left for them. it had a personal touch to it bos it was addressed to each and every one of the medics here.. it seems that their mo understands them so well, they appear to be like a small family. i could even sense the familiar nostalgic feeling the letter brought out. if i were to leave my med ctr and to write a letter to the rest before i do so, i suppose i can only produce one with all their negative aspects. i guess i just didn't understand them well enough on a personal level.
jon, jufri, sahir and ariff. another four special people who crossed my life. they brought a whole new meaning to my vocation and my fate.
29.9.05
29/09 (day 9) . 2130 . bunk
tonight i gathered from the perm staff medics sth which triggered the anger within me. apparantly, hann and luk have been spreading a rumor regarding my sexual orientation, again. i find myself trapped in an oddly familiar situation whereby im desperatedly trying to defend myself and to fend off their teasing. im at a loss of words. to them, the more i tried to defend myself, the more i appear to be in denial. i don't blame the perm staff, they aren't the ones who started such an absurd rumor.
it wouldn't be that bad if they chose to joke in my knowledge. but spreading it behind my back, tt's unacceptable! it's atrocious! it's not the first time these two skums make me feel so disgusted. sometimes i thought i could realli throw them a punch or two, without feeling guilty, just to wipe the smirk off their faces.
they never considered my feelings on knowing this, never cared if i would find out, of course. boy, what am i expected to forgive 'em without them feeling ashamed or remorseful, yet again? i've tried to forget what happened the other time, tolerated with their childish behaviour whenever they tried to play "gay". this isn't one of those entries filled with petty complains. i didn't talk much tonight, not because my "PMS mode" was triggered without a reason. i was just wondering how i could be so stupid to even consider including them in my circle of friends.
tonight i gathered from the perm staff medics sth which triggered the anger within me. apparantly, hann and luk have been spreading a rumor regarding my sexual orientation, again. i find myself trapped in an oddly familiar situation whereby im desperatedly trying to defend myself and to fend off their teasing. im at a loss of words. to them, the more i tried to defend myself, the more i appear to be in denial. i don't blame the perm staff, they aren't the ones who started such an absurd rumor.
it wouldn't be that bad if they chose to joke in my knowledge. but spreading it behind my back, tt's unacceptable! it's atrocious! it's not the first time these two skums make me feel so disgusted. sometimes i thought i could realli throw them a punch or two, without feeling guilty, just to wipe the smirk off their faces.
they never considered my feelings on knowing this, never cared if i would find out, of course. boy, what am i expected to forgive 'em without them feeling ashamed or remorseful, yet again? i've tried to forget what happened the other time, tolerated with their childish behaviour whenever they tried to play "gay". this isn't one of those entries filled with petty complains. i didn't talk much tonight, not because my "PMS mode" was triggered without a reason. i was just wondering how i could be so stupid to even consider including them in my circle of friends.
~~ "~~
many strange things happened tonight in camp and even out in the jungles. reported ghostly encounters by some of our men. vague attempts to cover up the incidents with logical explanations. Hasbi became one of the unfortunate victims who was disturbed. at least i don't believe he's one who'd actually joke abut this. i learnt from his commanders that at that point in time, he "didn't respond when being called upon by his peers" and he suddenly "possesed strength that required seven guys to hold him down as he was struggling". guess that explains the commotion at the far end of the bunk just now.
others stories include being disturbed by "them" in the jungles when they were sleeping in their individual hammocks., hearing a kid laughing in the middle of the night. being tugged on the sleeves in their sleep. i wasn't realli afraid, but was guiltly excited after the whole episode. i wouldn't say im one who is religiously devoted but the amulet im wearing around my neck makes me feel safe at night. sometimes, i just feel ashamed of myself when i realise that i only turn to religion when i feel helpless in times like this. i know it's mark of disrespect if there's a slightest doubt in my belief in God. guess at this point of time i should question no further, blind faith or not, i should really take a stand and be truely devoted.
28.9.05
28/09 (day 8) . 1035 . cwo
Just minutes ago, i was listening to the conversation between Jufri and some of the other perm staff regarding their eot. then i was wondering, when is my end-of-tour? or should i rephrase, when is my ord? and after that, what's going to happen next? am i even prepared for this transition to the next phase of my life.
i've always lamented that seving the army is just a waste of time. when providing safety cover, like what im doing now, you are just sitting there and waiting for time to pass by. but if im granted the freedom to go anywhere i want and to do anything i wish, will i still be sitting here waiting for something to happen? frankly speaking, yes, i'll probably still be sitting here, waiting for something to happen. the thing is, im just not prepared. i not even prepared for my 20th bday. but one thing that i learnt about life is that it never waits for you to be prepared. in fact you'll never be prepared to do anything. gee. i never knew how i survived till today with that kind of mentality. i always thought that if given enough time, i'll be be able to make the necessary preparations and before i know it - wham - it smacks right in your face and you can only say, " f**k it, jus do it."
Just minutes ago, i was listening to the conversation between Jufri and some of the other perm staff regarding their eot. then i was wondering, when is my end-of-tour? or should i rephrase, when is my ord? and after that, what's going to happen next? am i even prepared for this transition to the next phase of my life.
i've always lamented that seving the army is just a waste of time. when providing safety cover, like what im doing now, you are just sitting there and waiting for time to pass by. but if im granted the freedom to go anywhere i want and to do anything i wish, will i still be sitting here waiting for something to happen? frankly speaking, yes, i'll probably still be sitting here, waiting for something to happen. the thing is, im just not prepared. i not even prepared for my 20th bday. but one thing that i learnt about life is that it never waits for you to be prepared. in fact you'll never be prepared to do anything. gee. i never knew how i survived till today with that kind of mentality. i always thought that if given enough time, i'll be be able to make the necessary preparations and before i know it - wham - it smacks right in your face and you can only say, " f**k it, jus do it."
27.9.05
27/09 (day 7) . 0645 . M2
i spent a week here in Brunei already. within this period, i only got a single friendship msg from her. she already sensed that i was trying to avoid her, i guess. hopefully my deliberate attempts to avoid her did not hurt her feelings. my intention was clear-cut because i didn't want her to misunderstand. i know im not being friendly this manner but this is one mistake i cannot afford to make. you know, guilt always surfaces whenever i thought i could stop worrying about this because im in Brunei. frankly spaeking, im no different from others. im just another selfish person.
two years ago my friends called me a "selfish and insensative" person because my actions showed not the slightest consideration for someone's feelings. i totally took advantage of the whole incident. ha, guess two years later, i proved them right again.
guess this Brunei trip allows me to escape from my life. maybe i still haven't managed to think things through, that's why im given 3 weeks. actually right here overseas, i don't have to think about deteriorating friendships within my sec sch clique, don't have to be constantly reminded whenever i see them, don't have to see my desperate attempts to set things right. i don't have to care about the mess in store. all the endless work. all the unsuccessful attempts to get thing right. all the aimless search for where to start. no IQA.. for the time being. you wouldn't know how worried i am about this thing, it's like a time bomb waiting to explode in your face.. but right now.. it's just ticking away.. i makes me feel so guilty watching snr med trying so hard to help out with my store stuff.. but my capability is so limited, as compared to those who went for spec course.. i couldn't help much.. and im realli tired..
there are times where i tried to explain my situation to my parents but their impression of medics are - as usual - combat medics is a slack vocation, nothing much to worry about. a desperate cry for help that no one was able to hear. im still trying to accept this as part of mylife.
but right now, all things aside..
i spent a week here in Brunei already. within this period, i only got a single friendship msg from her. she already sensed that i was trying to avoid her, i guess. hopefully my deliberate attempts to avoid her did not hurt her feelings. my intention was clear-cut because i didn't want her to misunderstand. i know im not being friendly this manner but this is one mistake i cannot afford to make. you know, guilt always surfaces whenever i thought i could stop worrying about this because im in Brunei. frankly spaeking, im no different from others. im just another selfish person.
two years ago my friends called me a "selfish and insensative" person because my actions showed not the slightest consideration for someone's feelings. i totally took advantage of the whole incident. ha, guess two years later, i proved them right again.
guess this Brunei trip allows me to escape from my life. maybe i still haven't managed to think things through, that's why im given 3 weeks. actually right here overseas, i don't have to think about deteriorating friendships within my sec sch clique, don't have to be constantly reminded whenever i see them, don't have to see my desperate attempts to set things right. i don't have to care about the mess in store. all the endless work. all the unsuccessful attempts to get thing right. all the aimless search for where to start. no IQA.. for the time being. you wouldn't know how worried i am about this thing, it's like a time bomb waiting to explode in your face.. but right now.. it's just ticking away.. i makes me feel so guilty watching snr med trying so hard to help out with my store stuff.. but my capability is so limited, as compared to those who went for spec course.. i couldn't help much.. and im realli tired..
there are times where i tried to explain my situation to my parents but their impression of medics are - as usual - combat medics is a slack vocation, nothing much to worry about. a desperate cry for help that no one was able to hear. im still trying to accept this as part of mylife.
but right now, all things aside..
26.9.05
26/09 (day 6) . 1216 . M2
two years ago
they said you were sad
i knew you just broke up
i just didn't care
i gave you a silver bracelet
i thought mine was different
then you felt uneasy
i lied tt it's jus a bday present
one year later
i thought it'll b alright
i thought i waited long enough
i thought the time was ripe
i gave you a purple bracelet
was glad when you wore it
until the day you told me tru the phone
you wanted to clarify things abit
another year later
we became strangers
so called bcos each time we meet
the feeling jus gets stranger
over and over
i asked the same old qn
two yrs ago at the prom
did i make the right decision?
two years ago
they said you were sad
i knew you just broke up
i just didn't care
i gave you a silver bracelet
i thought mine was different
then you felt uneasy
i lied tt it's jus a bday present
one year later
i thought it'll b alright
i thought i waited long enough
i thought the time was ripe
i gave you a purple bracelet
was glad when you wore it
until the day you told me tru the phone
you wanted to clarify things abit
another year later
we became strangers
so called bcos each time we meet
the feeling jus gets stranger
over and over
i asked the same old qn
two yrs ago at the prom
did i make the right decision?
26/09 (day 6) . 0835 . M2
~verse 1~
here i stand on this foreign land
my guys at every bend .
their curses carried by the wind
their thoughts across the land .
the morning sun burns right tru the skin
the night wind gale chills to the bone .
(tryin') hard not to forget the reason
why im 'here and not back home .
~chorus~
the silver crest on the cap im wearing
today it bears a sign .
it never meant a thing before
but today it serves to remind .
(beyond) al the jungle and the trees
beyond the land and sea
there's a place tt'll always harbour echoes
of my distant memories
~verse 2~
reachin' for stars at night (jus to find)
to stars 'ere never shine .
(like a) sleepin' grave of the fireflies
unlike the one i had in mind
(i know) your cries are drowned in the rhapsody
by the cicadas on this land .
im also right here sufferin'
im the same as you, my friend
:: repeat chorus ::
~verse 1~
here i stand on this foreign land
my guys at every bend .
their curses carried by the wind
their thoughts across the land .
the morning sun burns right tru the skin
the night wind gale chills to the bone .
(tryin') hard not to forget the reason
why im 'here and not back home .
~chorus~
the silver crest on the cap im wearing
today it bears a sign .
it never meant a thing before
but today it serves to remind .
(beyond) al the jungle and the trees
beyond the land and sea
there's a place tt'll always harbour echoes
of my distant memories
~verse 2~
reachin' for stars at night (jus to find)
to stars 'ere never shine .
(like a) sleepin' grave of the fireflies
unlike the one i had in mind
(i know) your cries are drowned in the rhapsody
by the cicadas on this land .
im also right here sufferin'
im the same as you, my friend
:: repeat chorus ::
24.9.05
here's one rose for each early sms i recieved from you since day 1 of my attachment. it's one of the sweetest things you've done for me. this year it's the first vday that im actually celebrating with someone.
_nz/fbs/fnk/uilnw/fbs/jxitoa/gtj/kit/gkbw/abo/lqqtnf/frbg/uro/tiitp/jrC
Several occassions you realli did touch me with the things that you did.
tghkg/vvotn/ulnn/vbq/qtbqlg/fiobb//ibou/oru/oro/ryabo/ryabx/nn/qnxqnj/yxrt/zjb
qbq/x/nlunnv/uilhbq/fnhn/ojlxtysnnw/uilitbz/ojlxiro/ojlwyg/gatnpj/abo/gz/nw
/nslq/gz/vr/aoulq/r/nnonno/al/hrq/lqqtnf/l/vztq/noa/fbs/jxa
_nz/fbs/fnk/uilnw/fbs/jxitoa/gtj/kit/gkbw/abo/lqqtnf/frbg/uro/tiitp/jrC
Several occassions you realli did touch me with the things that you did.
tghkg/vvotn/ulnn/vbq/qtbqlg/fiobb//ibou/oru/oro/ryabo/ryabx/nn/qnxqnj/yxrt/zjb
qbq/x/nlunnv/uilhbq/fnhn/ojlxtysnnw/uilitbz/ojlxiro/ojlwyg/gatnpj/abo/gz/nw
/nslq/gz/vr/aoulq/r/nnonno/al/hrq/lqqtnf/l/vztq/noa/fbs/jxa
23.9.05
23/09 (day3) . 0930 . survival village
back in my sec school days, i never realli appreciated what i was learning during phy geography lessons. erosions. weathering. freeze-thaw process. alternate expansion-contraction. now everything starts coming back to me, all the pictures that the textbook could possibly offer starts flooding my mind.. cos right here where im sitting, scattered around are all sorts of angular pieces of rock.. it was as if im was able to witness the disintegration of this huge knoll. though ever so slowly but nevertheless breaking down right in front of my very eyes. i remembered vivdly how ms ros was trying to take us for a walk in the school complex, desperatedly looking for signs of erosion to show to us. this very hill where im sitting on right now.. will be her heaven.
back in my sec school days, i never realli appreciated what i was learning during phy geography lessons. erosions. weathering. freeze-thaw process. alternate expansion-contraction. now everything starts coming back to me, all the pictures that the textbook could possibly offer starts flooding my mind.. cos right here where im sitting, scattered around are all sorts of angular pieces of rock.. it was as if im was able to witness the disintegration of this huge knoll. though ever so slowly but nevertheless breaking down right in front of my very eyes. i remembered vivdly how ms ros was trying to take us for a walk in the school complex, desperatedly looking for signs of erosion to show to us. this very hill where im sitting on right now.. will be her heaven.
21.9.05
21/09 (day 1) . 2205 . bunk in Lakiun Camp
how many people before me has slept on this exact spot tt im lying on right now?
how many had drenched the long-4 i wore this morning with their sweat before it was issued to me?
how many more has used the same metal tray i used to laden my lunch today?
all these served to remind myself that im just one of the many people who had to go through all these. i wasn't realli suffering.. at least not yet.. im kind of accepting this as part of my life .. part of other peoples' as well..
tonight i made several attempts to call back home. either the line was engagaed or because i punched the wrong numbers, the calls just wouldn't get through. oh wel, i gave up anyway. it didn't matter. if someone were to ask me if i miss the people back home, i would say no and be sad about it.
jus a few mins ago, i recieved a msg from her. i don't understand why a distant friend could msg me to wish me good night but none from my usual clique could do the same.. i don't understand why at the point of entering the departure hall, it was me who msg them to announce my departure instead of them messaging me to wish me good luck. was it alot to ask from them?
ha, pardon me if im using an apparently depressing tone, it's just that im fighting off sleeping spells and , at the same time, trying to pen something down before i surrender to e sandman.
how many people before me has slept on this exact spot tt im lying on right now?
how many had drenched the long-4 i wore this morning with their sweat before it was issued to me?
how many more has used the same metal tray i used to laden my lunch today?
all these served to remind myself that im just one of the many people who had to go through all these. i wasn't realli suffering.. at least not yet.. im kind of accepting this as part of my life .. part of other peoples' as well..
tonight i made several attempts to call back home. either the line was engagaed or because i punched the wrong numbers, the calls just wouldn't get through. oh wel, i gave up anyway. it didn't matter. if someone were to ask me if i miss the people back home, i would say no and be sad about it.
jus a few mins ago, i recieved a msg from her. i don't understand why a distant friend could msg me to wish me good night but none from my usual clique could do the same.. i don't understand why at the point of entering the departure hall, it was me who msg them to announce my departure instead of them messaging me to wish me good luck. was it alot to ask from them?
ha, pardon me if im using an apparently depressing tone, it's just that im fighting off sleeping spells and , at the same time, trying to pen something down before i surrender to e sandman.
18.9.05
just one more day before i leave for Brunei and im still sitting here.
bag unpacked.
watching the rain fall.
i don't feel reluctant to leave.. but that's why i feel sad. there's nothing here which i cant bear to leave behind. i try not to make a big deal out of my departure cos i know it isn't a great deal for the rest. oh it wudn't be so bad if they havent asked me out for dinner and then tell me tt so many people couldn't make it. they always never made it. and for once i thought they would come for my sake. they never did. though i tried so much to avoid, i still became the second yihua, having to add disappointment onto the fear of leaving for place we've never been before.
im know im afraid, but yet i don't feel it. i feel so disoriented these days. i cant imagine two days later i wouldn't be lying on the same bed, eating the same food. two days later i/ll be in a different world with significantly fewer people to fall back on.
i still not used to being alone. and now i have to.
bag unpacked.
watching the rain fall.
i don't feel reluctant to leave.. but that's why i feel sad. there's nothing here which i cant bear to leave behind. i try not to make a big deal out of my departure cos i know it isn't a great deal for the rest. oh it wudn't be so bad if they havent asked me out for dinner and then tell me tt so many people couldn't make it. they always never made it. and for once i thought they would come for my sake. they never did. though i tried so much to avoid, i still became the second yihua, having to add disappointment onto the fear of leaving for place we've never been before.
im know im afraid, but yet i don't feel it. i feel so disoriented these days. i cant imagine two days later i wouldn't be lying on the same bed, eating the same food. two days later i/ll be in a different world with significantly fewer people to fall back on.
i still not used to being alone. and now i have to.
they felt so distant...
im flying off to brunei next wk .. and i thought tonight would be one special night that'll make me reluctant to go.. but it wasn't .. one gathering that was supposed to remind myself that there are still people here whom i can't bear to leave.. but i learnt a cruel fact.. that im drifting away.. away from them.. on the bus trip to my house, they were chatting away.. talking about the good old times that they had in their secondary school.. i wanted so much to join in but finally gave up when i realised that i wasn't part of their lives.. wasn't part of their memories.. ten years down the road, will they still remember me?..
and yet i still claim that they're my closest friends.. friends who don't know that i had a blog and started blogging since last sept... friends who don't know that ive written four songs.. friends who don't know that im finally tired of making b'day cards for them in exchange for some meaningless "thank you" msgs.. friends who don't know that im breaking down from all the stress in the med ctr.. friends who don't know that i must have a chicken wing added to my breakfast every sunday.. friends who don't realise that i never bought yong tau fu since ever... after al these.. they still the only ones i have...
the world never revolves around me.. i know that.. but i just hope for once i can hve the illusion of being the core of things.. that i could be the reason for someone's existence...
but i was never the reason...
ten years down the road.. will they remember me?..
im flying off to brunei next wk .. and i thought tonight would be one special night that'll make me reluctant to go.. but it wasn't .. one gathering that was supposed to remind myself that there are still people here whom i can't bear to leave.. but i learnt a cruel fact.. that im drifting away.. away from them.. on the bus trip to my house, they were chatting away.. talking about the good old times that they had in their secondary school.. i wanted so much to join in but finally gave up when i realised that i wasn't part of their lives.. wasn't part of their memories.. ten years down the road, will they still remember me?..
and yet i still claim that they're my closest friends.. friends who don't know that i had a blog and started blogging since last sept... friends who don't know that ive written four songs.. friends who don't know that im finally tired of making b'day cards for them in exchange for some meaningless "thank you" msgs.. friends who don't know that im breaking down from all the stress in the med ctr.. friends who don't know that i must have a chicken wing added to my breakfast every sunday.. friends who don't realise that i never bought yong tau fu since ever... after al these.. they still the only ones i have...
the world never revolves around me.. i know that.. but i just hope for once i can hve the illusion of being the core of things.. that i could be the reason for someone's existence...
but i was never the reason...
ten years down the road.. will they remember me?..
8.9.05
last night i sent her a friendship message. then i got a reply which i expected, asking who i was. i didn't really intend to reply. i dunno.. guess i was.. wel.. afraid of what i might be getting myself into.. let alone flirt with someone whom i've never met before.. today she sent the same msg to me. i responded. saying that i was the guy she met at wm the other night.. ..
6.9.05
tonight, what i thot was one of the most amazing things in life happened to me. initially i was in low spirits . alot of incidents contributed to how lousy i felt that very evening. one hour before lesson, i realised that my student booklet was left at home. thot i could make a trip back before heading for bbdc. never thought that i would end up boarding the wrong bus and went all the way to the telok blangah area.. then i realised it'll be way too late for lesson if i stick to the original plan. the thought of wasting 67 bucks on an unattended lesson really disturbed me.
but sth happened that night that brightened things a little. i was having dinner at the food court in wm. sited across was a group of pple (two gals, a guy). at first i didn't take notice of them but as they got up and were about to leave, the guy placed a piece of folded paper on my tray and said, "that person asked me to pass this to you."written inside was one of the girls' name and contact no. thought the gesture was kind of sweet.
right now that piece of paper is still tucked inside my wallet. in my mind i was still considering whether or not to get to know her better.
but sth happened that night that brightened things a little. i was having dinner at the food court in wm. sited across was a group of pple (two gals, a guy). at first i didn't take notice of them but as they got up and were about to leave, the guy placed a piece of folded paper on my tray and said, "that person asked me to pass this to you."written inside was one of the girls' name and contact no. thought the gesture was kind of sweet.
right now that piece of paper is still tucked inside my wallet. in my mind i was still considering whether or not to get to know her better.
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